as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 3)

[Avanti]

You are moving along the right lines.

Have you considered making it more of a boundary drawing exercise, that defines: what you are and aren't prepared to accept (for example, you not bearing more of the costs than her), what the timeline is, what you are going to do, in a succinct, clear, relaxed I know what I am doing way. Also think of structuring the message such that if she reacts and does something, that's great, if she doesn't you are not effected.

That's a tricky ask I know but by thinking along those lines you are taking control, (as her actions don't have a bearing on what you do next) and keeping the focus on you (where it should be), not your W, while being transparent about your intentions (you have now hidden agenda).

[asitis]

Thanks. I'll give that line of thinking a shot.

[HeavyD]

asitis

You have been such an insipiration to so many of us here but I can see that the noose is drawing tigher for you with your situation.

I agree with Bealey, you are expecting you W to respond as she used to. As you must aree by now, she is not the same person with the same mind set. You must do what is right for you. Yur condurum is real, bring up the financial aspects will most likely push her towards the D which is something you don't want. However if you don't you will get the short end of the stick.

Have you considered ditching the mediation, taking it off the table and just using lawyers? Mediators in my opnion only go for the splitting things down the middle. Mediators are only for those who are amicable (as everyone says they are but in reality no one is) and I don't see your situation going down the amicable path. In my opinion, it is not your job to show how much better finacially it will be for your both to just sit tight.

My W has shown me time and again with her words and actions that it is OVER and the sooner she is done with me the better. I am not standing in her way and will be relieved when the process is completed. I am not bringing up the D as she filed but nothing has happened.

I will call my lawyer Monday to see what the situation is and where we are in the process. No, I don't want a D but I have to be realistic.

I took M off the table and it really surprised my W and made her angry. But it did really slow down the process which is your objective at this point? Right? I would not do any more legwork trying to find any mediators or lawyers. Why are you doing her work for he while she want to break your family apart an finanially devestate you? Let her do all of the work if she wants this. I would just sit back, have your attorney in your back pocket and see what happens.

Just my .02 cents.

[gonegrl]

I wish I had some words for you as you have been so helpful to me. I don't though, I know nothing about mediation. I agree with HeavyD that you shouldn't do any legwork.

[asitis]

She has been amicable in many ways, and I think in many ways she is just not seeing reality of how much we both stand to lose out of this. I think I just throw the ball back in her court to check out the two mediation options and see if sticker shock makes her pause.

The thing is, I've seen a lot of progress by listening, considering, and validating her on the financial side. Both my DB coach & I think this is the case and are trying to build on it. I think part of my frustration is that the mediation throws a wrinkle into my continuing the progress, and I have to recognize that there are multiple ways to build on the progress I've made so far.

It is weird that she wants to vent and be heard, but often if I listen & validate instead of defend myself, she becomes much more amenable to compromise & flexible. I really think she just wants to have her feelings heard and responded to. I'm not ready to bail on that path yet.

Her pattern is also to rely on me to take care of these kinds of things, if it is my responsibility to take care of something, she can expect me to follow through. When it is for her to do, lots of procrastination. So tossing the ball back in her court will likely give me some more time. If it doesn't, that will tell me something too.

Thanks for the thoughts.

[Avanti]

Tossing the ball back is a good idea, as long as what she says or does and how long it takes her has no bearing on how you feel or behave. All that's being said here is don't expect sanity you may not get it.

If it also gives you time, that is a good thing too as you gave the impression that time was in short supply and that's never a good place to be.

Above all stick closely to what your DB coach is saying they have the long term experience and so can see a bigger picture.

[asitis]

More a short time to decide how to handle the mediator info. Since she asked just the other day, she is expecting an answer, so I can't put that off.

If she really wants to separate out the finances, it may be very hard to do so without also dealing with the assets, which may propel things ahead faster than I'd like. Right now I just want time to allow my patient DBing to work on both of us.

DB coach thought maybe steering things toward the financial planner as they would be more likely to be future & solution focused on the finances. It really depends on whether or not she is still set on separating on the finances or improving the finances. Unfortunately the two look mutually exclusive, and I suspect that she's wanting the former thinking it will improve her finances as well as give her more sense of emotional separation. Just toss it back and see where it goes. I just had to work myself through the process to be comfortable relinquishing control.

Thanks for helping me along.

[PigPen]

Good luck As, it looks like you're in a situation where you just have to pick what you think will be the lesser of two evils and navigate from there.

You're a rock my friend, and have told me that this isn't baseball. You may pick a direction and swing and miss, but you've still got a lot of at bats left in your sitch.

Meditate on it and trust your gut.

PP

[asitis]

Thanks PP. No, it's not baseball. But I do want to keep from grounding into a double play.

[asitis]

Last night I had one of those unpleasant wake up in the middle of the night thinking spells. Nothing bad, just woke up wondering what to make of her reading a marriage repair book one week (and volunteering this info to me) and then next week asking if I had heard back on finding a mediator. Just baffling.

That leads to why this & this type of spell. Why does she keep some of my letters in her drawer (I wasn't snooping, but they are very visible when you put clothes away - I'm not folding them, just she leaves them on the bed sometimes so I either toss them on the floor or put them away before going to bed, and I choose the latter), and yet says she doesn't see a future for us? That kind of thing.

Didn't last long, as I'm fairly good at catching and derailing that kind of useless puzzling. But, the strange & troubling dreams that followed definitely left me not feeling rested & in the best of moods when I woke up.

Thankfully, I'm with the boys today, so I can just focus on them until equilibrium is restored. Silly little creatures that they are. I was teaching them how to dance like a monkey this morning. Lots of fun, and I guess that means I'm sort of a silly big creature (at least when I let myself - which I wish I were more of the time).