I haven't mastered the art of not talking about the M. But I have been better at it lately. I try to do the same thing the rules say. Look like im happy and content with the way things are right now. Obviously im not happy or content.
And honestly I try to say away from her as much as possible. Ive been playing golf a lot and spending time on the phone with my father. It is in no way easy but from what ive learned here it is imperative to stay away from those types of conversation. I don't know about you but every time we talk about the M I feel worse and I think she does too.
You haven't done anything wrong here. I have dry spells on my thread as well. Every time I post I cant wait for some one to respond.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Ive found that sometimes theres so many new people coming in, that sometimes it's hard to get invested in a new "story" until that person posts enough to show that they really are committed to the process.
As Cadet said, just keep posting. The people will come.
tkdmme, I think your right about the thread. I'm a fixer and I want this fixed now. I want you guys to give me the manual and then I can tune up my marriage. Guess what, this marriage needs a major overhaul, motor, tranny and rearend. This marriage is going to be up on the blocks for a while.
Vapo, I have nicknamed Azzork "Azzork the wise". He is the man. I only hope I become as wise as he and the rest of the vets. I feel like a freshman at DivorceBusting High School on the first day. I see all these upperclassman that have it all figured out and I'm walking around still wet behind the ears.
Have you ever been to a party, surrounded by people and felt so very alone?
One thing that has really helped me is to move away from this idea that it's going to happen overnight. That somehow my W is going to wake-up from where she is because I do or say the right thing. This thinking makes me seek out breadcrumbs. It builds weakness in my heart because I want some sign that it's getting better.
Honestly, we are in big problem territory. Your analogy of fixing the M like a car is pretty good. But I think it's even bigger. It's more like building a bridge. It's a new bridge, the old one fell down. You are still clearing away the rubble from the old one. You know why it fell down now. How the new bridge has to be designed. It's going to take many months, maybe years, resources, effort, hard work, setbacks, bad weather, labor strikes...you get the picture. You are the engineer trying to build the bridge. You don't give up when something sets you back. You keep moving forward. When the bridge is done, it's not going to fall down again. But the trick here is that the bridge isn't your M. It's you.
I think that part of this thinking enables us to not be so affected by the small setbacks, the cold shoulders, the many small pains. The ups and downs. Feelings are something that change. Emotions can change. You are changing right now. Becoming something different. Something better. You are going to free yourself from this agony.
You, like me, have become co-dependent. You and I are miserable right now. This is not healthy, nor your future. It is just today. It will get better. I'm having a horrible day today, it feels like my heart is on fire. I'm fighting depression, and jealousy, and anger. I'm empty and hollow, but I will get better. Right now I'm going to focus on the positives, and I'm going to get my strength back. You are going to do that too, and I promise we will feel a little better.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
So glad that helped you man. I have to keep reminding myself of this stuff. It's all so much to process at once, getting things into a nutshell like that help me visualize the problem and help me re-target.
Actually, re-target is a good word. I'm trying to grab every negative thought and re-target it into something different. Dwelling on the pain really does nothing. We are men of action! We want to do something. So now I am trying to take action and capture those thoughts and re-target them. We are such elaborate and subtle machines. Powerful in our ability to think, feel, intuit. Yet there is this one charged thread in our minds that we keep following, over and over. We can't let it go. It's out heart, the seat of our emotions. It has such power over us. We must follow our hearts, but not be ruled by them. I am trying to change my heart so it's worth giving to someone.
We will survive this. We will grow stronger. We will find peace, happiness and maybe one day a new M that stands the test of time.
Thanks for the kind words man. It is shocking how good that feels to hear.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
How did so many smart people end up in this swamp with me?
Solo15 your bridge analogy is great. The visualization is perfect. The last paragraph speaks volumes about me. I do feel exactly like you state we do. Thank you for the comfort and hope.
Vapo I appreciate you support. Its nice to know that there is a group of people that support each other.
Azzork the wise thank you for being there all these times.
And for all you lurkers out there, when you share it helps you so much more then just reading. I did that for 6 months and got nowhere. By joining and connecting with others you explore yourself in a more deeper manner. I am still in the swamp but understand more deeply, more completely that there is only one way out. DETACHMENT-learn it live it, love it.
I learned something new today and that's always a good thing.
When my wife and I are discussing our marrige and she 's had enough and doesn't want to talk and more and I don't respect my wife's boundaries and keep begging & pleading that's a form of bullying. When she's had enough I should and will respect her wishes and stop talking.
I think this will be easier said then done. If I don't respect her, how will she ever respect me?
