That is hard, but I always visualize that I will post a recap of the conversation here, and I want people to respond to me "good self control, good job validating and not reacting, good DB skills." So if I can think of it before I get emotional, I think, I am going to make the DB'ers proud of me, can't wait to tell them how well I handled the sitch. I also know with my H, any slip up I make at all (and even imagined ones) will be dragged out in MC and that is no fun. So I take a deep breath, and remind myself not to take the bait, and then come here for praise.
I had a couple insights last night while I was trying to sleep. One was good but doesn't amount to much and the other saddens me.
I realized if our marriage fails and my wife wants to divorce me from her life I can still love her. She can chose to no longer what to share her life with me and that will hurt beyond words.
What she cannot do is destroy the love I feel for her. I may not be able to share my life with her but I can still love her. No one can take that feeling away from me. During this process I do not have to stop loving her only respect her wishes. I was upset till now thinking everything would have to be surrendered.
The thing that saddens me is that she continues to devalue me. She is becoming more distant, more indifferent or concerned about my mere existence.
PMA and GAL are the answer to this situation. Why does love have to be so sad?
I sure could use a comforting word if there is anyone out there.
M, trust nothing they say and only half of what they do. She's hurting inside, you can bet on it.
Think for 1 minute, sure she has to devalue you, she has to justify in her mind why she left you. Just give her space and she will soon start to wonder why is she not feeling better. It is this removing yourself from the equation that is the eye opener for her...
Thank you for taking time out of your day to post Vapo. You are 100% right. Your going to think I am crazy but I am so deeply sadden to see my wife depressed and angry. Since I am the cause of her pain there seems like the only thing I can do for her is to detach myself and give her the space she needs to work through this emotional moment.
I have a few questions but I need to get back to work, ttyl
Since I am the cause of her pain there seems like the only thing I can do for her is to detach myself and give her the space she needs to work through this emotional moment.
Dont beat yourself up too much. YOU are not the 100% cause of her pain. She is hurting because her M is suffering, but you both contributed to that.
And the detachment is for you, not for her. Youre backing off and giving her space, yes. Thats important....and probably necessary. But the detachment side is for you to be able to navigate this difficult journey.
As Cadet says, you didnt break her, so you cant fix her. Focus on you, and maybe someday youll get a second chance to make things right.
Yes you are 100% right!!!! keep detaching and giving her the space she truly needs right now,you were smothering her with R talks, leave her alone, work on yourself!
It does get better but you must do this for yourself.
How does your spouses express their emotions with you during this troubled time in your marriages?
My wife gets quiet, barely talks, answers in a mumble that I can't hear. Between the silence and the depressed looks, I get so down. I have started to leave the room and do my own thing. She perks up with one of the kids or the dog. Its good to know your station in life.
If I got this right, the two important ingredients I need in my life are patience and time? Add some good behavior and I get a chance, maybe.
Patience, time, and concentrating on you rather than her will get you through this.
Haven't you noticed that the stronger your professed "love" for her has become, the more cold and distant she has become? They are directly correlated together.
What have you been doing in terms of psychological and spiritual PMA?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, thank you for posting to this thread. I have read many of your posts and appreciate your clarity of thought.
This spring when the marriage broke down, in our discussions I would tell her I loved her and she would be compassionate and understanding in her response. Now if I tell her I love you in a conversation she says I know and appears uncomfortable.
Since this spring I started attending twice weekly evening meditation sessions at a Buddhist Meditation Center. I really love going there. It has helped me tremendously emotional and spiritual. I have met so many kind compassionate people. My PMA is buoyed by this activity. I have registered to take a evening class at the local community college this fall. These 2 things to do will keep me busy 4 nights a week.
Should I let my detachment grow organically or force it. I don't talk a lot now but do make an effort to say good morning and good night. I try to be pleasant when she speaks with me. I find I explain myself more often now. I think I am over compensating by doing it but have not figured why. I may be scared of her, of the power she wields over the fate of the marriage.
Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Think of detachment this way... see her as you would a neighbor. With a neighbor, you are concerned with their well being, but you don't necessarily care if they don't "feel" anything towards you.
Before, my W would say the craziest things. At that point I would picture her like one of those people you would see muttering to themselves in the street. Then whatever she would say, I could easily laugh off.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
