Thanks Starsky, I really appreciate all your wisdom over these past months.
So I'm going to ask...these are devil's advocate questions, so take them in that spirit.
Why is everyone on this thread so convinced that she's playing me? She's supremely messed up, confused, angry at me (for good and not-so-good reasons), sure, but that's not the same as being deliberately deceptive.
If she is playing me, then to what end? She could simply ask for a D right now and I'd give it to her. Why the games? What is she accomplishing right now besides just making it harder to R?
I'm just trying to make sure I'm considering everything here.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I believe she's playing you so that she has a Plan B to fall back on in case her OM dumps her, or it for whatever reason doesn't work out.
Really not that complicated. You need to focus now on what YOU want to do, and not on the dysfunctional person's motivations (or our guesses at them). You're passively allowing the weaker partner to steer the marital boat, and it's a hot mess.
Thanks Starsky, I really appreciate all your wisdom over these past months.
So I'm going to ask...these are devil's advocate questions, so take them in that spirit.
Why is everyone on this thread so convinced that she's playing me? She's supremely messed up, confused, angry at me (for good and not-so-good reasons), sure, but that's not the same as being deliberately deceptive.
If she is playing me, then to what end? She could simply ask for a D right now and I'd give it to her. Why the games? What is she accomplishing right now besides just making it harder to R?
I'm just trying to make sure I'm considering everything here.
I am sure Starsky and the vets will have a much better answer for you here ... I read your sitch and just follow along. IMHO she plays you because you allow her to. As Starsky I think said it early on you tend to go Passive-Passive-Passive-then Agressive. I only point this out because I was guilty of this behavior too.
She will not change her ways because honestly ... no need to, she will lose nothing while you constantly show no consistency in the boundaries you have set up and allow her to .. yes play you as she has this entire time.
Reading your posts, the BC pills, the OM, all the 'she is really pushing my limits' talk (because you allow her to IMHO) ... you get upset at the violations then a few days go by and its like you are in denial all over again, defending her, giving her the benefit of the doubt .... more driven from fear of actually doing what you need to do if I had to guess.
Bottom line, you are the one living like this, in an open marriage and it frustrates you ... you are scared of actually telling her ENOUGH and walking, heck I would bet a paycheck she would actually respect you for that move.
When will it be enough? You deserve better ... your W is not going to cut OM loose and work on the M because she can still give you breadcrumbs that you see as stuffed turkeys. No speeches you have will sink in anymore .... she has been 3 steps ahead of you this entire time .... I would have called the bluff on the BC pills and had her set up a Dr appt for us both to go to, just her facial reaction would most likely have called her on that one.
Reading your posts, the BC pills, the OM, all the 'she is Bottom line, you are the one living like this, in an open marriage and it frustrates you ... you are scared of actually telling her ENOUGH and walking, heck I would bet a paycheck she would actually respect you for that move.
I think that's a concept I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around...that she'd respect me for making a decision to walk away. I think she'd just see it as further victimization...that I messed up her life and then just washed my hands and walked away...
Not that I think she's right, just I think that's how it would play.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Reading your posts, the BC pills, the OM, all the 'she is Bottom line, you are the one living like this, in an open marriage and it frustrates you ... you are scared of actually telling her ENOUGH and walking, heck I would bet a paycheck she would actually respect you for that move.
I think that's a concept I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around...that she'd respect me for making a decision to walk away. I think she'd just see it as further victimization...that I messed up her life and then just washed my hands and walked away...
Not that I think she's right, just I think that's how it would play.
I'll block out all that white noise in your questions and home in on the real issue here like a homing pigeon.
And that ^^^ is the cycle that YOU need to break. She has demonstrated repeatedly that she won't.
NH, look: I've said the very same things each time I've (yes, sporadically) posted on your thread. (You're getting stellar advice, and there's absolutely NOTHING I can add to what Starsky and sandi and Wonka have also repeatedly said, so just count me as a permanent, consistent x2 to everything they post.)
But this: I think she'd just see it as further victimization...that I messed up her life and then just washed my hands and walked away...
Buddy, when are you going to see - like we all do - that this is your FEAR talking? Who gives a flying f--- what SHE is going to think of you walking away??? Why do you CARE what she's going to think?? WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
I'm beating my head against a wall over here!
If you wanna rap hypotheticals and devil's advocate questions, here's one: If you move out and your W plays the victim and accuses you of giving up, so FREAKING what? What does that do to you? How do you see it hurting you? Are you THAT afraid of losing a disrespectful W who figuratively spits in your face and castrates you on almost a daily basis?
NH, I'm a woman. And I can tell you - hands-down, with no hesitation - your. W. is. playing. you. It is working. She has no interest right now in working on your M. And until she respects you again, she *won't* have that interest.
Yes, if I were your W, I would throw an absolute hissy fit if you walked out the door. My security blanket would have been pulled out from under me. My Plan B. My whipping post that I get to manipulate into staying around for comfort and financial security while I kiss "the man of my dreams" at work. (Fact is: you should have walked the moment she told you THAT, but because you've let her walk all over your stated boundaries, she knew she could tell you and somehow you'd make excuses for her.) She'll accuse you of everything under the sun to get you to do what SHE wants you to do. But underneath all that, NH, there's a seed of respect that WILL be planted the moment you say: "Enough" - and MEAN it. And walk. out. that. door. No talking. No reasoning. No questions. No explanations. No requests for answers or clarifications. No grand pronouncements. Just WALK.
I'm not saying to walk out of your M. I'm saying to walk out of your house. From where I sit, it is literally the only option you have right now *to* possibly save your M. And if walking out of your house leads to the end of your M, you are *well* equipped to take care of yourself, and something tells me you'll have *plenty* of options down the road. (And some dignity and self-respect intact.)
I know it sounds like I'm being harsh, but my heart is hurting for you. And I see you're standing in your own way.
If you want your M to be saved, you have to save yourself first. The plane's going down. You can't save anyone else until you put the oxygen mask on yourself. If you don't care if your M is saved, then what the holy hell are you waiting for, brother?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
If she is playing me, then to what end? She could simply ask for a D right now and I'd give it to her. Why the games? What is she accomplishing right now besides just making it harder to R?
W has you as the "H" who pays the bills, taking care of the house, playing 'happy families" while having the OM on the side for excitement and forbidden trysts. She pulled a fast one on you with the totally made up story about the BC pills.
She's got it made quite nicely. Having the best of both worlds. That's Black Forest Cake Eating Champion for ya.
