I also don't believe she is in an active A. I'm there, I can read her tone and body language. I don't think she's lying. Any A that's going on is completely in her head.
Again, you are in denial. You are in an open M (emotionally), whether you admit it or not. She has kept his OM very active as the third person in this M for a long time......even if it has not been physical (which I don't what kind of proof you have that it wasn't).
You refer to a PA as being an "active" A. Maybe that's b/c men usually have a bigger problem with knowing the W is physical with another man, and if it's only in her head then it's not as serious. I don't how to stress to you that for women it is all about the emotional side of it. It is very serious to your W. It's as if her mind is preparing her body for OM, and soon as they can plan a meeting time & place, she'll be ready for the physical union. She thinks she's in love with that man! She fantasizes about him all the time (which includes a lot of fantasizing about him having sex with her). It is serious enough that it has been in the middle of this M.
If the fact that she's not in a PA is keeping you around, does that mean once you discover it has gone physical it will be the deal breaker? B/c you have repeated this same rationale several times since you first started posting, and I wonder if you would really want to know, or if you find solace in telling yourself that the A is in her head.
BTW, about those birth control pills. At first you said she told you it was for infection. The second time you said it was to regulate her periods. Did you ever learn for sure which it was?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been on here nearly a year and it's almost like I have to re-learn every day. What's wrong with me?
Yeah, at times I had actually thought I would prefer a PA because then it would be very clear choice. I can't get seem to get a good idea about how intense this really is for her. I guess I still don't get it. But the fact that she has managed to keep this guy on for 10 months, with no significant contact, should tell me.
Sandi, that's one reason I backed off on posting on new threads...I knew I wasn't following my own advice very well.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I appreciate that response. You may never understand her mindset. Most men can't understand women, period, much less something like this.
What concerns me is how afraid you are to leave, even on a temp bases. If the EA moves to PA, I am worried that you will continue to find some excuse that allows you to stay with her. A lot of men have stated how knowing about an A would be better than not knowing......until it actually happens. They think they would drop the WW like a hot potato if she's cheated. Then they discover they can't bring themselves to do it.
Like I said previously, you do what you want to do. I just think this goes deeper than you seem to realize. If you decide to linger on, I believe you need to brace yourself for more to come. The way I see it, she is not going to stop this A without you taking action.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Like I said previously, you do what you want to do. I just think this goes deeper than you seem to realize. If you decide to linger on, I believe you need to brace yourself for more to come. The way I see it, she is not going to stop this A without you taking action.
Or, if OM1 dumps her (and it does seem to be about a 25/75 "unrequited love" situation with those two, so that's a fairly real possibility) then I'd put the odds at about 90% that she would actively seek an OM2 to get another fix of that rush that she enjoyed from OM1.
I'm going to jump in here. I have no idea if you're familiar with my situation but heres the key points you need.
my XW had OM1 (PA) for a bit but he didnt want more. Things cooled but she chased. He still didn't want more so there was OM2 and I think maybe OM3 but she kept chasing OM1.
She didn't keep me hanging I was kicked to the kerb. OM1 was the only thing she cared about and her pursuit paid off. They are now happily living together.
Now during this time I was a wreck, but I was trying to do what I thought was DB'g. So I kept the peace, I didn't confront her with what I knew and I allowed the facade of happy family. It didn't make any difference to her but looking back I traded my self respect in order to keep the peace
And how could my XW respect someone that doesn't respect themself - she still holds me in contempt - and as Sandi says, no respect = no attraction.
and all this for what? Because I still ended up on my own and OM1 is bonding nicely with my kids.
Looking back, had I acted with self respect, behaved like Sotto when she found her H was cheating, then my situation may be no different but I could hold my head a bit higher.
You may wonder why I'm saying this to you. Its because, you W still has half a foot in the door, there is still some doubt and you still have the opportunity to act with integrity and self respect. If you walk out in the right way you can always walk back. Trade the respect and its gone for good.
NH, its your life so do what you think is right but I wanted to offer my perspective on how things could go and to say the red lines you draw now don't always hold up as well as you think they might
Take care.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I guess my greatest immediate fear is that if I leave now I'm just sealing the deal with OM. She'll have that last little excuse she needs to go ahead and cross that final line.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I guess my greatest immediate fear is that if I leave now I'm just sealing the deal with OM. She'll have that last little excuse she needs to go ahead and cross that final line.
Do you honestly think she is thinking about you when it comes to OM? Had that been the case how did it get this far ... she is only thinking of herself and OM and that rush this all gives her. Those BC pills are so she can seal the deal ... regardless of where you are
I guess my greatest immediate fear is that if I leave now I'm just sealing the deal with OM. She'll have that last little excuse she needs to go ahead and cross that final line.
Uh...no no. That's the problem right there. You are acting like you're responsible for W's choices. How wrong headed is that? Oh and affairs SELDOM do last.
FWIW, many of us continue DBing even if the A is a PA and ongoing for months.
It really comes down to FEAR. Fear of losing W??! Well, you've already lost her.
Trust me. You're not losing W by moving out. Let's suppose that W does take the A to the next level, then what are you going to do? Be the henpecked H and just take it lying down because you are too afraid of reclaiming your true self.
C'mon...take a look around the DB forums. 99.9% of DBers have spouses who are deeply involved in a PA. And come back from that so-called 'red line.'
In the final analysis, making the choice to engage in a A is all on W. (doesn't really matter if it's EA or PA--semantics)
That depends on how you leave. But staying didn't stop her kissing him and you being at home isn't going to stop her sleeping with him if that's what she wants to do.
But either way a lot of what your saying is about controlling her which is rarely a good plan.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
NH, as hard as I know it is (remember, many of us had to go through it, too), letting your W go - allowing OM to attempt to meet allllll her needs - is actually a cornerstone of A-busting.
Why? Because you are no longer applying pressure to your W. You're also no longer in her face, disgusting and repulsing her while she fantasizes about OM. Add to that this: Right now, you're the one dealing with the ugly parts of your W. OM doesn't get to see that or experience it or deal with it. And right now, your W looks at YOU - and OMW - as being what's standing in her way to complete happiness.
The quicker you can turn her loose to pursue whatever it is she's going to pursue with OM, the quicker the A will most likely end. And when it does, you're not standing there for her to blame. Because you will have released her and took all the pressure off a long time before.
Sometimes, it doesn't even require the A falling apart (as most naturally do). Sometimes, getting away and taking the pressure off is *all* a person - especially a woman - needs to startle him/her into reality. Your W does not fear losing you. So she knows she can treat you however she wants and you will still be there.
Get out of that triangle, as hard as it is. Then watch as things in this fantasy relationship start to unravel. When it hits bottom, your W will still remember you as strong and decent - someone who fought for her - and someone who had enough self-respect and strength to give her the freedom she wanted. Whether you're still there by the time she comes to this realization - and I firmly believe she WILL - is a risk she's taking by having an A.
Confidence and resolve. Honor and strength. Those things are so attractive in a man.
Supplication and being a whipping post? Not. at. all.
(And the others are absolutely right about the fact that you cannot control your W. If you could, she wouldn't be in an A in the first place, and your living with her would have stopped her from kissing OM the other day. Let go of that notion. It's a lie you're telling yourself.)
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
