Ghost Riding

[asitis]

Sounds like a good plan.

I know the pull and the feeling incomplete wo/ my best friend, lover, and partner of so long. Sometimes the moon is full & the pull of the tide is strong, but often now it's more like I'm closer to new moon tides.

[Pyrite]

hey Z, long time no see


I am not consistently at the point of feeling

perfectly content to tell her no without the need to explain further.

And

If she really wanted to know I'd let her know- as a gift to her- that I am not interested in a relationship with someone that has such disrespect for me, herself, her commitment, or to her M.

this is what I think sometimes, but others I am not so ....gracious, and those things are honestly not for her benefit of hearing, but my benefit of saying.

It's funny WE worry about our next R. I'm not about to make any moves, but it seems that potential candidates are popping up everywhere. I have to remind myself almost that when I was young, and no doubt you too, these potential candidates were even more, much more, abundant. Then I have to confess to myself that it actually wasn't easy then to strike up a R, and in all likelihood will be even harder now. Let alone logistically maintaining a R at this age and accompanied by much baggage.

It strikes me that you are almost thinking that when you are ready and have made a selection you'll just pick her off the shelf and complete your purchase. I know you are not this shallow, but I think the reality of our situation is that firstly striking up a new R is not that easy, it will evolve at a pain stakingly slow pace relative to "I'm ready, GO, sex every waking moment, issues". Is this how ANY of your Rs have played out?

Secondly, it is highly likely that we will have more than one R between now and our next possible M. I absolutely hate to think about this. Being back here again. Possibly we will meet some lovely ladies, fall in love, and 2 years down the track break up for some reason or other. And then start again.

The sex drive issue - it is possibly the opposite for me. I have had such a pathetic sex life for the past 12 years that my sex drive is very curbed. So am I going to be hung out to dry? Or will I change in this respect too.

Z - i am going to post something on my thread that I actually wrote here, but it is also an update of my own situation.

In response to your last post - why are there 2 stages here? self growth and then R. why can't they happen concurrently. once you are in a R the self growth stops? The beauty of grey my friend.

-Py

[Zues126]

I agree with growth and a future R overlapping. Growth doesn't get shut off. In fact, in some ways it is impossible to really grow until you are in your next R. (OK, that could be taken as a double entendre but now I'm leaving it in there).

As for saying these things to STBX for my benefit, I don't feel the need. I've said them to her in my imagination 10,000 times over the first 8 months post BD, after a while I lost interest in that fictional exchange. Now I am still passionate about the subject and find myself speaking my mind when the topic comes up, but I think that's simply because I've learned my feelings on this and have studied my material as to the reasons why.

This all said is there still a part of me that would like to scream this at STBX for my benefit and not hers? I'm sure there is. In the past that would've bothered me and I would've taken it that I needed to 'grow' further still. Now I just don't care. I'm ok with the fact I'll have some emotions on this, and what I've discovered is ***accepting a little resentment or bitterness about my STBX's behavior and letting it go and moving on is MUCH healthier to me than becoming so obsessed with trying to force personal growth until I don't have these feelings at all any more, as that keeps me hung up on STBX more of the time***. So basically I'm just like "meh, maybe I do feel like adding a little sting to my comments in a fictional conversation, who cares? It won't ever happen, and if it does I wouldn't do it anyway because I would rather be eat by a goat and $h1t off a cliff than to open myself up to her emotionally ever again".

As for my relationships, yes, I've had two Rs in my life and they both went that way. I was terrified of rejection and breakups so I did what I thought would make me 'safe'. I didn't pursue other women, I waited until they approached me. I was open to women 'beneath' me in the sense of 'social standing'. I believed that relationships weren't about romantic tinglies or if we felt it was a perfect fit, I believed they were about staying together forever and that (like in an arranged marriage) it was more about what you did than who you were with.

Really I haven't come too far from that outlook. I may be open to approaching other women, and I will try to be a little more selective instead of literally marrying the first woman that asked me out. HOWEVER- I really find distaste at the idea of doing a lot of dating, trying to find some great fit and 'what you're looking for', blah blah blah.

I still feel primarily that people are looking for happiness outside themselves and are trying to find it in this companion that is perfect for them. Me, I look at it like I'm buying a car. I don't need anything flash, I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm not expecting my car to make me happy. I just want to get to and from work. I'd like my car to look nice, be a fun drive, have a cool AC, never break down, etc. But I know that eventually it will wear down, it will break down from time to time, and no matter what the thrill will be gone and it will be about maintenance and practicality.

I'm TOTALLY FINE with that. I don't want a great R. When the time comes I just want someone that isn't going to feel entitled to inner happiness from her R and try to upgrade to a different guy on me in 5-10 years. But maybe that's all that's left out there. I'm still a bit jaded and think 99% of people, even on this forum, are still hung up on finding the 'right partner' (just listen to how happy they are they are finally out of their bad M!). Maybe I'm just a bit insane, isn't that how it was defined to feel differently than the rest of your culture?

I will try to develop a good R because it would be nice, and because I know that's what my next partner will need to stay. Personally I think it's all a joke. Just STFU, serve god and your partner, let happiness comes when it comes, and quit chasing the damn dragon of external stimulation and instead just appreciate what you have. Well, that's how I'll roll. Time to go ghost ride the whip...;)

[Zues126]

PS- all this talk about not needing a flash marriage doesn't mean I would minimize the desires of my partner. I'd long to do what I could to understand and serve my partner, as long as they knew I couldn't be their everything and wouldn't leave me because of that reality.

[Cadet]

As for my relationships, yes, I've had two Rs in my life and they both went that way.
I was terrified of rejection and breakups so I did what I thought would make me 'safe'.
I didn't pursue other women, I waited until they approached me.
I was open to women 'beneath' me in the sense of 'social standing'.
I believed that relationships weren't about romantic tinglies or if we felt it was a perfect fit, I believed they were about staying together forever and that (like in an arranged marriage) it was more about what you did than who you were with.

Were your parents divorced?

What do you need to VALUE yourself?

What do you need to change to figure out that YOU are a "catch?"

I see the above as "nice guy" traits and codependent.
And I write this as one who is trying to reform those traits myself.

[Pyrite]

nice one Cadet. I'll have to think about this myself.

Z - i agree with your post in part, but I am not to keen on the arranged M sorta stuff. I know what you are saying, I've even commented on the same here, but this is different than just settling for 2nd best....

HOWEVER, I am totally in your boat re: marrying the 1st girl to come along thing. I had 3 Rs before W. 1 serious. There have been several false starts. As I got older though, before I met my W there was nothing really put on the table for years. A large part of this was so that I could retreat quickly and quietly.

I thought I knew what I wanted. "I('d) been searching for a heart of gold." I found it, I fell in love with her straight away, almost on purpose it would seem on reflection, there were warning signs a few years in - but I consciously squashed them, M'ed her - and now look at me.

IDK WTF happened to me. When I was younger, pre maybe 32 -----ahhhhh - pre BD 1 perhaps, until then I was so much better. I was happy, I denied externals, and then I gave everything to my W. WTF - I lost myself completely, and now I've lost her too, and ironically it is basically because I lost myself.

[SunnyB]

PS- I love FL too. Alligators and SunnyB. If I didn't have family here I'd be halfway through Georgia by now...

Everyone deserves a vacation, Zues.

[Zues126]

That's it, I'm starting an "alligator fund"...

Good weekend. I've got my kids eating incrementally healthier, and we are eating every meal at the kitchen table. Taught my son how to shave, and helped him so he didn't cut off his lips. Finished the book we've been reading together ("Blubber", which is about school bullies, I thought it was a good topic as my son starts middle school in a few weeks). Yesterday we went to the zoo. Did a lot of walking, got to see some sights, and went on a few rides they had there as well. It was a really good time.

This morning in church the message was so awesome I had to share. It is part of their series, "God didn't say that" which talks about how frequently the Bible is misquoted or misinterpreted. Today's misunderstood phrase was "Everything happens for a reason".

The pasture said people derive from that saying that everything is "God's will". That he's all powerful, so somehow he's doing something good all the time, and that when bad things happen that we just can't see the good. The pasture said that isn't entirely true.

He said there are times that God has a hand in bad things, for two reasons. One is he has something better in mind for us, another is that he is trying to make us into stronger people to accomplish a greater good.

But the pasture went on to say that sometimes bad things happen for bad reasons. Those reasons are sometimes the natural consequences when we turn away from God's path, and sometimes we're just caught in the crossfire of other people's sins as well. When we turn against God he allows us to suffer the terror of pursuing our own will.

He reminded us that Jesus endured all forms of suffering, from betrayal by a friend, to crucifixion. By continuing to have faith and follow God he allowed himself to be used for a greater good. If we follow God we can allow good to come from many of the bad things that happen. It just won't always happen the way we want, or on the timelines we want.

So today I'm remembering to let go of my timelines, expectations, and my own personal desires. I've made some horrible mistakes in my life and am responsible for the consequences of turning away from God and trying to pursue my own will in the past. I can't cry out to God for the destruction of my family when I didn't serve him well during my M. What I really want is to get back to doing what's expected of me he best I can.

[SunnyB]

I've got my kids eating incrementally healthier, and we are eating every meal at the kitchen table. .

Yay! I'm big on the value of the kitchen table. The first time I visited H's parents, I was horrified they didn't have a dining table, kitchen table, or even any stools at the kitchen counter. They ate on the couch in front of the tv. It's a wonder I M him.

But the pastor went on to say that sometimes bad things happen for bad reasons. Those reasons are sometimes the natural consequences when we turn away from God's path, and sometimes we're just caught in the crossfire of other people's sins as well.

Yep...

I can't cry out to God for the destruction of my family when I didn't serve him well during my M.

Yes you can. God already knows all about it and he still loves you and wants to comfort you. You don't have to be perfect to receive that.


The Everglades are a short distance from me. At least once a year my kids and I go out there to look at the birds and the alligators. They don't do much...#alligatorsforever

[Zues126]

You're right Sunny. God's compassion is the greatest gift.

Dropped the kids off tonight. It's always the hardest part of the week. It's funny, we watched a movie today, "Ladyhawke". I was a big Matthew Broderick fan as a kid so saw this movie, thought I'd see it with the kids.

For those who haven't seen it, it's about a couple that was in true love but were cursed by a jealous third party. The man turns into a wolf at night, the lady turns into a hawk during the day. They are constant companions but can never be together. Only occasionally can they see each other for just a few moments as the sun rises, but before they can touch the lady turns into a hawk again and the man is left heartbroken.

I say it's funny because I felt that way dropping off my kids. It's like I have just these few moments with them, then POOF, they're gone.

Hopefully my L gets stuff going and this can change soon. I'm sure 6/14 nights would feel monumentally different than 4/14.

Lastly, I've realized what I am really craving in my future R. A VOICE. I am pretty flexible. But I want a voice. In my last R it seemed like NEITHER of us were very good at validating each other. We were never much of a team. I know I felt completely bulldozed, dismissed, diminished, and disrespected, and it wouldn't surprise me if she felt the same way. What I'd really like is to be able to work as a team where I felt my existence was validated, that my wants/needs/emotions/desires/thoughts were listened to and taking into account, just as hers would be. Not dismissed out of hand because they were "wrong" for not lining up with hers.

Sometimes I feel if I could achieve that almost anything would be possible. I guess I'll work on doing my half of that in the relationships I am currently in, and we'll let the future take care of itself.

[quote=Zues126]
The Everglades are a short distance from me. At least once a year my kids and I go out there to look at the birds and the alligators. They don't do much...#alligatorsforever

Short distance. Everglades. Noted.

I'm closing in. I've got a blown up map of Florida with 17 bobby pins sticking in it based on other things you've mentioned, tied together with yarn and obscure comments scribbled on post it notes. Keep the clues coming...