FIDO - Changing the Rules - Pt 3

[Vanilla]

Oh dear

There is the OM thing again?

Do you want WW or just to beat OM?

And trust me, I am a girl (oh Ok, a big girl) an EA is MORE addictive than a PA. If the 'coffee' is bitter then the grounds get tossed.

V

[HPoirot]

Hey Rzr. I lost you there with the name change and I am catching up.

I wanted to say, when I recently got an email from my XW asking if I was willing to talk about a second chance, I thought about you and your sitch. Everything you go through with your W. The ups and downs and the conversations. I wondered if I could do what you do and I really don't think I could.

I was looking you up just now b/c for a while reading your sitch made me hopeful. You keep working. I want to be like that.

I'm sorry it seems you're in a hard patch. I really do hope it gets better. It's good that you are still talking and you see her.

Keep going.

[NH115]

Thanks HP, great to hear from you.

D16 found my original postings (I got sloppy) and I had to do a little escape and evasion.

I know I'm going to have to take real action very soon, and I allowed my fear to build up. It's like parachuting. You don't feel the fear flying to the drop zone, it's when you stand in the open door and look down that the fear wells up.

A lot to digest, and I'm steeling myself for what comes next. I never thought it would be this hard.

[PeterV2]

Jump

[NH115]

I stepped back from the boards for a few days to quiet all the voices I was hearing, between the posters, me, my W, and the therapist, I wasn't sure what my own head was saying.

The last week was actually fairly pleasant. We had some good times with the kids, spent a nice evening with friends, and even played Scrabble last night, just the two of us.

Got home today and she was right back in the pit. She said she wants to reconnect with me sexually (I think we have been reconnecting some emotionally), but she's just not feeling it. I told her point blank (as has the therapist and several others) that we have no chance of reconnecting sexually with OM in the picture in any way. She's clearly not still ready to make even symbolic moves to give him up. Geez. No grand pronouncements, I'm just going to go home tonight (having to work a late night) and see what I'm going to do. I'd like to say I'm sure, but I'm not. Sue me.

By the way, I had a bit of bad intel, OM was not in town this week. The meeting I saw his name on turned out to be a conference call.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I will update as soon as I can.

[u-turn]

Hey there NH
I'm sorry you are feeling so much like a ping pong ball - it is tough - I sure know all about not being sure...you have to do what's best for you.

best wishes NH
Peace

[Dawn70]

I agree with u-turn...you have to do what is best for you, whatever that might be. Being unsure is a really crappy place to be and limbo just absolutely [censored], but hang in there and do what you need to do for you. Sending positive thoughts your way always.

[Georgiabelle]

NH,

You have received stellar advice and some analogies that I must use moving forward. I have followed your sitch since the beginning and you seem like a great guy.

I still stand by what I've always thought about your wife. She wants and needs constant validation and admiration. You've stated a number of times that she wants to "connect sexually" or "feel sexually attracted to you" again. That's her way of blaming you for the way she feels. If she does that, it (in her mind) gives her a free pass with OM. And hails to the no there was no accidental, inadvertent tonsil hockey.

You aren't handing her over. You are letting her go. She will do what she does whether you are in the house with her or not. You are only torturing yourself. Is that really what you want? I hope you spelled out "nope" during Scrabble.

You are a good guy. Life is short.

[NH115]

Thanks GB, great to hear from you.

She's off on a girls' weekend with her friends. Ironically enough it's been precisely a year since her girls' weekend trip that preceded BD. 1st anniversary of BD is the 9th.

Even this temporary separation has given me some peace. We left on good terms yesterday, even after a rough morning....but soon after she left I could feel my drive and energy returning. Not sure what that means.

She had a big meltdown yesterday. She's starting to turn a lot of her anger on herself; She's starting to constantly talk about how she feels like a failure, how she ruined my life. I don't know how to read that...maybe she's starting to realize that much of this mess is of her own making.

She sent me a long text last night from her hotel...

"Hey you...I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for how I treated you today. as weird as this sounds, I think maybe it was some sort of breakdown/breakthrough. God I hope so at least Anyway, I truly love you and hope you can forgive me. I want so badly to be okay and for us to make it. Hope I haven't damaged us too much for us to keep working on us."

Sounds good, but I'm so on guard for Christmas turkey crumbs that I don't know what to think.

[PeterV2]

NH, True it does sound good, but good to be guarded. I would validate her but not too enthusiastically. She still has a lot of work to do on her end to get OM out of her head totally. But I don't think it's effective for you to be telling her that. Better for that type of advice to come from the MC.

Keep up the PMA.

Try not to get drawn in to her again too quickly. Keep your distancing. It's the pursuer/distancer dynamic clearly at play. Give her a few crumbs of validation but keep on forging ahead with your own life.

I know I'm not one to talk, as I'm in limbo, but I am trying to keep my distance from my W and she's being more friendly and caring to me. It's subtle but there.