I am so sorry and full of compassion for you. I hear the deep pain in your posts. Pain is such an ever present force in life. The pain of childbirth, the pain of illness, the pain of death, the pain of betrayal, and on and on and on. We have the capacity to hurt each other in so many ways.
Be good to yourself. Remember this is not about you, do not take it personally. Your old marriage is dead, now what are you doing to do about it? How can you save yourself? You have little girls right? They are looking to you and what you show them will impact them for the rest of their lives.
Show them how a real man accepts challenges. Show them how a real man is supposed to treat women, especially wives. They will hold this model for their marriages to come.
You can do this. You have the support of many on this board.
Azzork, thanks for the response. Those are wise questions. A D would free me from the pain in some ways. It would enable me to gain control of my finances, my children's stability, and would allow me distance from this thing that has become only pain. I don't want it, lord only knows how much I want her back, but it's just not going to happen. I have not seen anyone here actually move through a WAW situation and have it turn around. I have to let go of my hope or I can't detach in the way I need to to set things right. Who knows...
Cadet, thanks. You are totally spot on. I have never hurt like this before. I've spent 6 years losing her, and it's all kind of accumulated in my heart. This was the breaking of the covenant. It was the final cut and it cuts the deepest. I'm sure I will find the strength to move through it and get back on the DB wagon, but right now I feel devastated.
Bless you HeavyD. Thank you so much for the kind words and wisdom. It does help knowing there is someone, but I hate that you are here. I have always tried to be the model of how a man treats a woman to them, and that's not going to change. I just have to do it alone now.
Thanks all for the comforting words and support.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I feel your pain Solo. I am not as far a long as you, sitch is very similar but different at the same time. My wife just decided one day to walk and it was out of the blue for me. I was devastated and still am. I tried so hard to fight it but in hindsight, and without this site/book I made all the textbook mistakes, almost everyone of them. I am sure that OM is just around the corner as she really seems she couldn't care less about me. Its coming and that will devastate me even further.
Keep strong, I know its hard as it is for me.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Solo15, I am so sorry to read this. I am teary right now. I know this pain. It happened to me 7 years ago. How I mismanaged it then is why I am here right now.
Listen to me please, you are in emotional shock right now. Don't make any relationship decisions right now. Take some time for yourself to get yourself stable, not fixed just stable. You do not have to act quickly, take some time and reflect on your life. What do you want, not how to get there, that's for later.
I have so much to share with you, what I did right and what I did wrong. Now is not the time. Please take care of yourself, drink plenty of water and eat when you can.
We are here for you, we are your support group. Let us help you.
Duke, I'm so sorry that you are going through this nightmare. This forum has been an incredible asset in navigating through it all. Thanks for the kind words. It is impossibly difficult to know how to move or breath or do anything in this. Looking at your kids ages, I can definitely see a similar pattern to my situation. You had 3 kids pretty close together. It's tough to make a M work well with all of that. Managing working and taking care of them and your W is an immense challenge and it takes a huge amount out of everyone. Especially when they are young. I really struggle with my situation because these should be the best years of our lives together as a family, but you are denied that through all this. I find it really tough to be with my lovely daughters because they are this reflection of my W and I, and all the years of love and hardwork that went into them. I hate to know what they will have to deal with because of her choices. When my W decided to do this, she didn't just cheat on me, but on them too. She crossed that line. We all sin, and in the grand scheme of things this has little impact, but this betrayal has pulled my family apart and shattered my life. She destroyed our most cherished and intimate connection, one we only shared with each other. And now it's gone forever. Thanks again for reaching out man. I'm here with you.
mutatio, You have a kind heart. I can feel the pain in your post. I am so sorry that you went through this and are in such a tough place. Your words have a lot of wisdom, and I do need time to deal with my pain and get it under control. I took off of work today and am seeing my IC. Hopefully that will help me a little. I'm surrounding myself with friends and trying to laugh a bit, but the loss hits me in waves. I am numb and empty. It is a great blow, and one that I know is a permanent wound. It will scab over, but it's never going away. I would love to hear your advice in how you moved through this man. I need so much right now. I never prepared myself for it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to be here and support me. It is such a small thing, but to be able to come here and not feel so alone...I'm tearing up.
MrBond Thanks for taking the time to post, and I am really happy for you that you reconciled. That is truly fantastic man. I was referring to my wife being wayward, and It's not that I don't believe that it has happened, but I just have not seen it. Was your W wayward? I have read DB 7 times now. I do understand these things, but my heart is just clouded by the pain. I am trying to decide if I can accept the infidelity. I value honor, loyalty, courage, compassion, mercy, and love over anything in life. I loved my W for her character. She is not that person anymore, and I don't see any signs that she will return to the values she once had. I understand that years from now, the fog might lift, but I have been in so much pain and so unhappy for so long I'm not sure it's in my best interests to wait for her.
Thanks again for everything guys, it means the world to me.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I was referring to my wife being wayward, and It's not that I don't believe that it has happened, but I just have not seen it. Was your W wayward?
If you look at the thread by Mozza, there are links to several success stories of reconciliation. I also believe that a lot of people are impatient and could reconcile, but finally give up and lose hope before there is a chance for that. You can also read through the "Another Divorce Busted" forum.
Originally Posted By: Solo15
I do understand these things, but my heart is just clouded by the pain. I am trying to decide if I can accept the infidelity. I value honor, loyalty, courage, compassion, mercy, and love over anything in life. I loved my W for her character. She is not that person anymore, and I don't see any signs that she will return to the values she once had. I understand that years from now, the fog might lift, but I have been in so much pain and so unhappy for so long I'm not sure it's in my best interests to wait for her.
Here are my thoughts, for what they are worth.
I dont think theres ANY point in worrying about whether or not you can get over the infidelity and the betrayal and the pain right NOW. In my opinion, thats like worrying about what to make for dinner if the president were to decide to stop by your place. Since she's not interested in R right now, any energy you devote to worrying about whether you would take her back is wasted. If she decides she is interested in restoring the marriage in 3, 6, 12, whatever months, you and she will both be totally different people - so whats the point in making that decision now?
As for the timeline, Ive heard that in general, most affairs tend to flame out on their own in the course of 6-9 months once the initial lust wears off, and it's time to get down to the day to day dealings of life. Of course, each relationship is unique depending on many factors, but thats a generality. Not a single person here will advise you to sit on your hands for 9 months just to see if she comes back. In Cadet's welcome post, he reminds you that this time is a gift and to use it wisely. You should have a guidebook now as to the problems you contributed to in your marriage. Now is the time to work on them by working on YOU. You say youve been unhappy for a long time --- do you think that it was your wife's job to make you happy? I dont think so. Now is the time to FIGURE OUT what makes you happy and to start doing it.
In any case, my point is that right now, you are in a tremendously chaotic and emotional state. Dont make any decisions with long term ramifications while youre here. Take things as they come. Focus on detachment and GAL for now, and that will help you sart climbing back up the mountain.
I feel your pain, my wife did something similar a long time ago and in our current situation I dread the day I hear those words again, but I expect them. I know that for me that isn't the end, I love my wife, and I committed a lot of disrespectful things in the beginning of our 10 years.
As everyone has been advising you, take your time, heal yourself, focus on you, and don't worry about what this means right now, give time to time, and see if things change for the better.
I am rooting for you, and think you are a good man for the things you do for the woman you love. Stay the course of finding what makes you happy.
God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Only you can decide on how much you can take. I was in it or at least 3 years before there was ANY positive sign from my W. And it was a very slow progression from there.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Were you separated for 3 years? Wow. That must have been very very hard.
My question to you then is this - should I try and stall things out with my W in the D process, in the hopes that once her A is over she will be in a differen head space? I know I have pondered that for a loooonnnggg time but I am so unsure. She seems to determined to flush our marriage.
I am trying to focus on one day at the time, get my life in order and take care of ME and kids. She is on her own to figure out he stuff.
