By this, I don't necessarily mean that divorce occurs in one generation after another. I mean that although divorce is an event in people's lives, the impact of this event continues forever- at future births, holidays, birthdays, what should be celebratory events in people's lives.... the discomfort of being together (or not being present) tint each occurrence with a hue of sadness. The awkwardness, disdain, distance, competition, disconnection make gatherings reminders of loss.
I know there are exceptions to this rule, but by and large, divorce leaves an imprint in people's hearts forever.
Maya Angelou once said, "People do the best they can with the tools they have. If they knew better, they would do better." I wholeheartedly agree. And the good news is that everyone can learn relationship skills and make lasting changes in how they interact with the people they love. It's never too late.
I met Wayne Dyer in Maui a few years ago in Costco. We were debating over who would get the last margherita pizza. He won! We had a nice talk and he gave me his latest DVD. It was a pleasant encounter.
In the parking lot, some guy who was on his cell phone came up to him and told him that his girlfriend didn't believe he was seeing Wayne Dyer. So, Wayne took the phone from the guy and talked to his girlfriend. It was sweet.
It has come to my attention that the majority of people deciding to dissolve their marriages do not seek professional counseling, a fact which I find to be both amazing and disturbing. Since we now know how devastating divorce can be for everyone involved, it is hard to imagine that anyone would opt to get out of a marriage without seeking professional advice. I would think most people would want to feel they left no stone unturned before making such a criticial decision.
Apparently, not everyone agrees.
-DIVORCE BUSTING
***oh bUT they DO take professional advice..divorced friends and parents..interfering and meddling friends and family...and interestingly enough never people with a quote good marriage or relationship
Before You Tie The Knot July 28, 2015 MICHELE WEINER-DAVISBy Michele-Weiner Davis Does knowing one’s fiancée’s values, goals and aspirations increase the odds a couple will live happily ever after?” That’s what reporters often want to know when interviewing me about the questions people should ask before tying the knot. As someone who for several decades has specialized in working with couples teetering on the brink of divorce, I must admit I have a few opinions about this. First of all, I’m convinced that far too many couples tie the knot when they are still in the infatuation stage of their relationship, a time when hormones run amok and lust looms large. They don’t do their homework up front; they fail to really get to know how their partners feel about the inevitable life-altering decisions. It amazes me how much faith people have that healthy, happy marriages just happen. They don’t. So, on one hand, I’m glad people are giving some thought to interviewing their prospective mates about their life’s goals, ambitions and aspirations. It may go a long way to weed out blatant mismatches. (Although the cynical side of me wonders whether incompatible responses to important questions would bring wedding plans to a screeching halt or simply become debris that gets swept under the carpet to be dealt with post nup.) Nonetheless, approaching marriage consciously and intentionally is always a good thing. However, I’m equally convinced that knowing your prospective mate’s thoughts about a variety of relationship issues does not provide future “love insurance”. Here’s why. The late John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.” No matter how much a couple agrees on whether they want children and if so, how many, how they’ll handle finances and household chores, how they’ll decide on religious issues or matters of sexuality, and so on and so on, the truth is, how people feel often changes over time. For example, I recently worked with a young Mormon couple who totally agreed prior to marriage that they would be an active part of the LDS church. The wife had converted because she was committed to the idea from the outset. However, as time passed, there was much about the religion with which she didn’t feel comfortable. Because she had agreed to convert, she felt guilty about her discomfort and failed to share it with her husband. Over time, her feelings of resentment grew and when she felt she could no longer stand the pressure, she filed for divorce. Plus, regardless of how crystal clear you might be about your goals and direction for your marriage, life often has a funny way of throwing you curves. Then what? I have worked with many couples over the years who have agreed in advance that they want children. They even agreed on the number of children they desired as well as the date they wanted to become pregnant. However, eventually these couples learned sad news they hadn’t even considered- they were unable to conceive. Months and years of frustration, hurt, disappointment and mutual blaming frequently took a toll on their marriages. Tragically, many ended up divorced. They talked about having kids; they simply failed to talk about what happens if nature doesn’t cooperate. Similarly, I work with couples day in and day out who are very passionate during the early stages of their marriage. They even discuss the importance of maintaining passion and physical affection in their relationship over time. But alas, kids happen. Busy jobs happen. Resentment happens. Bickering takes the place of watching movies together in the evening. Sex stops happening. All of a sudden, the plans to keep sex juicy now seem like nothing more than a faded memory. And they’re both too tired to do anything about it. Who knew? So, is marriage nothing more than a crapshoot? Does it pay to know anything about your mate-to-be at all? Good question. Here’s the good news. Marriage isn’t a crap shoot at all. In fact, we now know a great deal about what it takes to make marriages last and help people grow old together happily. Sure, you should ask the big questions up front and steer clear of people whose basic values and goals clash with yours. That’s Relationship 101. But don’t let those little check marks next to your compatible responses give you a false sense of security. Go the extra mile. Here’s what you really need to know about your partner given the uncertainty of life’s meandering path. Regardless of your level of compatibility, conflict in marriage is inevitable. One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough? Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your pastor or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects. Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s damn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker. So, here’s the bottom line from the Divorce Buster. Don’t place too much weight on those compatibility quizzes. Be more impressed with your partner’s level of commitment. With the right attitude and adequate set of relationship skills, even the quirkiest of personality differences or opposing life goals can be worked through. Know your prospective partner’s willingness to stay the course even when love isn’t easy.
☝☝☝☝☝This is what I aspire to...
Today's topic is warning signs before you marry that alert you to trouble spots. These red flags CAN be worked through.
Here are 10 pre-marital red flags:
1. You have no effective way to discuss your differences. You end up sweeping things under the carpet or fighting without resolution
2. You haven't discussed and agreed upon important life issues such as where you want to live, whether or not you'll have children, parenting styles if you already have kids, hopes and dreams for your futures
3. One person isn't interested in being physical
4. Arguments that are over-the-top hurtful and of course, any sign of physical violence
5. If one partner abuses substances and is unwilling to work on those issues.
6. Major differences in feelings about in-laws and extended family
7. Authoritative rather than collaborative decision-making styles
8. An unwillingness to ever take personal responsibility for problems
9. Other activities- work, friends, family, children, etc.- always take precedence over the relationship
10. An aversion to getting professional help when necessary
Michele Weiner-Davis
**The question now becomes...once youre in a marriage that contains many on these red flags..how do you mitigate their damage?..are there specific DB actions to take ?.or is an automatic bin this relationship and take a mulligan?
People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling. However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark. If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account.
If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand.
I often tell couples that they should live by the "Stranger Standard,"- that is to say that we should consistently treat our partners half as nicely as we do strangers. Marriages would be in much better shape if we did!
What do you think? Reposted from the divorce reform website.
Confessions of an Unabashed Marriage Saver May 12, 2011
Written by Michele Weiner-Davis
I have a confession; I am a psychotherapist who is an unabashed marriage saver. But it wasn’t always that way. When I began doing marital therapy in the late Seventies, I was a newlywed, twenty-something therapist charged with helping couples who were usually older than me and grappling with issues I had yet to face in my own life. They spoke of parenting conflicts, career disappointments, money problems, aging parents and infidelities, and though I was in way over my head, I gamely tried to apply what I had learned in graduate school about marriage therapy. This “expertise” consisted mainly of teaching couples to understand how they might be repeating patterns in the past in their own marriage, and encouraging them to fully express their feelings toward each other. Most of my couples left my office full of insight and still mad as hell at each other-often angrier than when they had walked in.
But when couples failed to improve, rather than look at my own lack of experience, I assumed that the impasses in their relationships were due to their irreconcilable differences. So I shifted gears. I began to question the wisdom of staying in unsatisfying marriages. “Have you ever wondered whether you might just be incompatible?” I’d ask. “Are you really happy with her? Have you considered a trial separation?” When my clients wondered about the impact of divorce on their children, I was emphatic: “You can’t be a good parent if you’re not happy. Don’t worry, your children will be resilient.”
My advice, of course, was perfectly in tune with the times. This were follow-your-bliss Seventies recommendations that passed for therapeutic wisdom. But my philosophy of marriage and divorce had also been shaped by my own family experience – more profoundly than I then knew.
One evening when I was 16, my mother called my two brothers, my father and me into the living room. Because impromptu family meetings weren’t the norm, I sensed that something was wrong. My heart started racing. My mother took a deep breath. “I’ve been really unhappy for the past twenty-three years of my marriage, she announced. Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
Her words took my breath away. Unhappy? With my father? How was that possible? In my 16 years on the planet, I couldn’t remember my parents having a single fight. As far as I was concerned, I had been raised in a New York City version of the Walton family, wrapped in the safety and security of a warm, close-knit clan. “You have to keep trying!” I pleaded. “I’ve tried enough,” answered my mother quietly, resolutely. “I’ve seen a psychiatrist for three years about this. There comes a time when you have to throw in the towel.” The pain in my father’s eyes was more than I could bear. As my brothers and I scattered to our respective bedrooms to grieve, my older brother screamed at my mother, “If you divorce Dad, you are not my mother!”
For several weeks, I persisted in the belief that my parents simply could not split up. I wrote my mother an impassioned letter, literally begging her to reconsider her decision. When she lovingly but firmly explained that it was too late for second thoughts, I threatened to run away. When that ploy also failed to change her mind, it began to dawn on me, ever so slowly, that my family was not a democracy and that I would have no vote in this matter. I could cry, plead, threaten, or dance on the moon, but my parents were going to come apart.
So I turned my energies to accepting what I could not change. Because I adored my mother, I tried hard to understand how she must be feeling. Even as a teenager, I could see big differences in my parents’ personalities and ways of looking at the world. My mother had always been a lover of ideas, spirituality, and deeply intimate conversations. My father is from the Old World, a traditional man who believes that good husbands provide well for their families, come home at the same time every night and fix things when they break. Although I loved and admired my rock-solid, handsome father, I had to face the fact that my mother felt something was missing. She told me that to stay in her marriage was to give up any hope for real happiness. Naturally, I didn’t want that. Over time, I came to feel that the divorce was sad and unfortunate but ultimately understandable, given the huge gap between my mother’s and father’s visions of a fulfilling relationship.
So years later, when so many couples in my practice seemed worlds apart, this was the bottom-line philosophy that increasingly guided my work. Divorce is distressing and regrettable, no question, but often it’s simply the best available option. People have a right to follow their dreams. Everybody copes, more or less. Kids bounce back. After my parents split, I left home and attended a small, nurturing college, that I loved. After leaving college, my life continued to fall into place. I married my husband, Jim, began to grow my therapy practice, and gave birth to two children.
Our children taught us the meaning of unconditional love and showed us what is really important in life– family. I cherished these lessons every day. But ironically, during this period of deep contentment and gratitude, something else began to stir inside me. I began to experience unexpected feelings of loss about my own childhood family. Increasingly I found myself searching for a way to understand what seemed like an inexplicable underlying grief. Although I thought I had made my peace with my parents’ divorce, I was coming to understand that my pain wasn’t just about the demise of my parents’ relationship. It was about the loss of my family.
Although I adored my two brothers, after my parents’ divorce, I had less and less contact with them. I had never before recognized how much my mother had held our family together. It was she who made holiday dinners and birthday cakes. It was she who filled my father in on our daily lives. It was my mother who was the hub of the wheel for my extended family and when she gave up that role, no one else stepped up to the plate. My father, traditionalist that he is, simply wasn’t prepared to take over my mother’s role as family magnet.
The loss I felt wasn’t just for myself. As a child who had been tucked in at night by both my mother and father, I never dreamed that my children would never see my parents as a couple. I couldn’t anticipate that when my kids were little, they would wistfully keep asking me whether “Omi” and “Pappy” would remarry each other someday. I never imagined that I wouldn’t have a comfortable, rambling family home that I could return to anytime to visit with my parents, show off my children, touch base with my grown-up brothers and their families. I never knew that my father would never again be able to attend anything but major family events such as weddings because he found family functions too painful to bear. I simply never knew we’d never be together as a family again. Once this awareness set in, I became determined to help the couples in my practice improve their relationships, remain married and keep their families together. Ultimately, I developed a couples approach called Divorce Busting. I teach couples skills that combat hopelessness, which I’m convinced is the number one killer of marriages. I’ve learned, over time, that hope can grow in the most unlikely situations – when only one spouse agrees to come to therapy, when one spouse claims he or she wants out or has already filed for divorce, when people seem more intent on being right than on being happy, when infidelity dampens trust. The capacity of people to reopen their hearts to each other never fails to humble me. When I help couples find their way back to each other, I feel I’m infusing life and spirit into a marriage, and a family, that might otherwise have died. In those moments, I feel truly blessed.
