Ghost Riding

[SunnyB]

I'm closing in. I've got a blown up map of Florida with 17 bobby pins sticking in it based on other things you've mentioned, tied together with yarn and obscure comments scribbled on post it notes. Keep the clues coming...

You are hilarious. You already know I'm in Miami, so that narrows it down to approximately 2.6 million people. You know I'm not Latin, so that narrows it down to 910,000 people. Less than a million people to sort through. Closing in, indeed.

I watched a show over the weekend where couples, in an effort to save their marriages, "swapped" partners for two weeks. Risky, in my opinion, but they thought it would work for them, make them appreciate their partners more. Anyway...there was one woman I particularly identified with, her H was rather dominant and she walked on eggshells all the time. Hello, me! In the swap, she found her VOICE, learned to speak out with the fake spouse, and hopefully she can go learn to speak her mind to her own husband, too. I know I need that in my next R. I don't think it would have saved this one, quite frankly, but I can't say for sure. I know at the time I thought I was saving my M by not speaking out, but I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself. Lesson learned for both of us, Zues.

[Ginger1]

I still feel primarily that people are looking for happiness outside themselves and are trying to find it in this companion that is perfect for them. Me, I look at it like I'm buying a car. I don't need anything flash, I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm not expecting my car to make me happy. I just want to get to and from work. I'd like my car to look nice, be a fun drive, have a cool AC, never break down, etc. But I know that eventually it will wear down, it will break down from time to time, and no matter what the thrill will be gone and it will be about maintenance and practicality.

I'm TOTALLY FINE with that. I don't want a great R. When the time comes I just want someone that isn't going to feel entitled to inner happiness from her R and try to upgrade to a different guy on me in 5-10 years. But maybe that's all that's left out there. I'm still a bit jaded and think 99% of people, even on this forum, are still hung up on finding the 'right partner' (just listen to how happy they are they are finally out of their bad M!). Maybe I'm just a bit insane, isn't that how it was defined to feel differently than the rest of your culture?

I will try to develop a good R because it would be nice, and because I know that's what my next partner will need to stay. Personally I think it's all a joke. Just STFU, serve god and your partner, let happiness comes when it comes, and quit chasing the damn dragon of external stimulation and instead just appreciate what you have. Well, that's how I'll roll. Time to go ghost ride the whip...;)

I am going to confess I cringed a little when I read this. R's aren't like buying a car. R's don't become just about maintenance and practicality. And your main concern is what you can do to get them to stay and not upgrade in 5-10 years.

That's a view of someone who is totally not ready for an R yet. Or probably even being close. Yes, I completely agree that happiness needs to be found inwardly. Someone cannot make you happy if you aren't already. But I do believe someone can make you HAPPIER if you are already good with yourself.

But I would hope you want a great R one day. I'm not talking fairytale, but yes, everyone should have a great R. What is great to them. And right now what seems to be great to you is someone who isn't going to up and leave and doesn't look to you to be happy.

I can almost guarantee your outlook on R's and a partner is going to change. After a bad M or an A, we become jaded a while. I had crap, and now I want what I know is attainable. Which is more than just someone to be there and to stay there.

[Zues126]

Interesting. I reread what I wrote. It was definitely a rant. But the point I was trying to make and that came across to me when I reread it was that people are overwhelmingly too hung up on getting the M they think they want and deserve. Expectation and entitlement.

I believe that by being a bit less selfish benefits in a number of ways. It allows us to be appreciative for what we have instead of being resentful for what we don't have. It keeps us together instead of looking for something better. And by being together and appreciative, it gives the best chances of making the M as good as possible. Not rainbows and sunshine, but a working partnership. That's what I want.

I've seen people who's M breakdown because of selfishness and entitlement decide to "find themselves" post D, and they sometimes reach the conclusion that they should've held out for more, demanded more, etc. This makes sense for some, but if selfishness played a role in the breakdown of the M then that doesn't apply to everyone. I posted yesterday that I do want more of a voice in my next R, but that I'm not too cemented on what I want that R to look like because I want to be open to my partner's voice as well.

But yes, that is a long ways off. I am not D yet, still feel jaded at times, and just in general am not ready to consider that type of thing. I do know, though, that one demand I'll make of my next partner is that they don't have a long list of rigid demands. That's the type of thinking that to me is a red flag.

I'm not saying not to have standards...it's all about balance. If I said I have a list of 100 things I require from my spouse and if any of them aren't there I'm filing D and finding someone else, that would be a problem for people too. I'm just saying the balance in general seems to be tipped too far.

It's all good.

[Zues126]

Sunny...the post you just made on your thread about who you'd want with you...it reminded me of something that ties in with what I've been ranting about.

It's "Do you love me" from the Fiddler on the Roof.

Anyone that hasn't seen this song- please do. It illustrates to me what a M is all about.

[Ginger1]

What I have learned from my failed marriage and the work that I've done in the past 7 years is that finding someone who's values are in-line with yours is pretty crucial. My ex was a not a good guy. Our values were very different but I sadly enough ignored that for many reasons. Our priorities were very different. He never looked deep within and probably never will. He may be scared to find what's there. And will always seek his happiness in others and if he isn't happy it isn't something he believes he needs to fix. He looks externally rather than internally.

You are right about balance. Ii know some marriages breakdown because they feel entitled to things being a certain way and when they aren't they say "buh-bye" ( like mine did). But I will tell you, I do have expectations of my next partner. That they put in the work,compromise and never say " well, this is just the way it's going to be". When things aren't all that great. I do expect work towards a partnership. And those expectations are ok to have. Not someone to be a certain way, but to be their best selves.

[SunnyB]

that narrows it down to 910,000 people. Less than a million people to sort through.

Hey, Zues, I'm feeling rather punchy this evening, so let me help you out a bit more. Females are 51% of the Miami population, so that takes you down to 464,100 people. Helpful?

I watched and appreciated your Fiddler on the Roof song. I do agree that's what a long term M is all about. But I want more. I want someone I don't have to ask. And someone that it's not a revelation when they figure out they do actually love me.

[Zues126]

that narrows it down to 910,000 people. Less than a million people to sort through.

Hey, Zues, I'm feeling rather punchy this evening, so let me help you out a bit more. Females are 51% of the Miami population, so that takes you down to 464,100 people. Helpful?

The game is afoot...

[Wonka]

that narrows it down to 910,000 people. Less than a million people to sort through.

Hey, Zues, I'm feeling rather punchy this evening, so let me help you out a bit more. Females are 51% of the Miami population, so that takes you down to 464,100 people. Helpful?

The game is afoot...

Zeus,

I gather that you are not mathematically gifted here. Put on some brain power.

The clues are all in Sunny's sig.....

-Eliminate all females who are not in the 50-52 age range
-Eliminate all females in the 50-52 range who are childless

The number is down to probably 35,326 people.

You're getting warmer.

[Zues126]

I watched and appreciated your Fiddler on the Roof song. I do agree that's what a long term M is all about. But I want more. I want someone I don't have to ask. And someone that it's not a revelation when they figure out they do actually love me.

You know, it's strange. I must have a hard time with shades of grey.

In my M I wasn't a good H. I had high expectations, was demanding, and as a result made STBX feel insufficient and unloved for who she was. I was frustrated that she didn't seem to care about what was important to me and grew resentful, which in turn led to poor behavior.

When I joined this forum I learned about how destructive expectations are. I learned that we find our own happiness, and that we can't control others. I found out that the phrase "if you loved me you'd..." was almost always going down the wrong path. Most importantly, I discovered that by focusing on what I wanted instead of appreciating what I had resentment fostered, and I missed out on the opportunity to have a decent M in my pursuit of an outstanding M.

This is why I've really been trying to let go. Would I like a great M? Absolutely. Am I willing to work hard? Absolutely! Ginger, I am a super high achiever, like breaking the bell curve at what I do. M is so important to me I wanted a great M, one that navigated through all of the problems that caused so many others to break down. But I've seen that my intensity and insatiable desire to make the M better actually made it worse. So I've been trying to accept the reality, which is that every M has problems, and none of them are as great as the ideals we long for, particularly if we look for the M to combat the human condition which is at times filled with isolation and suffering.

Because of this the idea that we must seek the perfect partner is very confusing to me. On the one had it makes sense, you can't change your partner so get someone that is rowing the same direction on some fundamental key values and at least you'll be in the right vicinity. And I get that the best protection against D is having a great M, as it is more likely to withstand against temptation and resignation. On the other hand, for me it is really an acknowledgement that I have to be accepting of what my partner turns out to be. My partner will grow and change over the years, and I have to be willing to accept the reality of whatever that turns out to be to a large extent and run with it.

It's not easy. I bring so much to what I do that being partnered is a challenge. If I'm on a team odds are it's my teammates holding me back. I broke some records at my job in July, then broke them again in August, so I'm destroying it...but most of my challenges come from holding my support staff accountable and getting results in a world where most employees are disengaged or incompetent. But I realize that not many people are like me, and I transcend that to get the results I'm looking for. For those reasons I am trying really hard to understand that it's very likely that regardless of whether I interviewed 1,000 women I will never find someone that cares as much as I do, that wants to put in what I want to put in, etc. I am putting most of my energy into accepting what feels like mediocrity, so I don't go down the path of feeling perpetually exasperated like I did in my M.

Again, I feel like I've been going around in circles on this for a year in my head. I guess that's what I need to do for a while longer until I can find the middle road.

[Zues126]

that narrows it down to 910,000 people. Less than a million people to sort through.

Hey, Zues, I'm feeling rather punchy this evening, so let me help you out a bit more. Females are 51% of the Miami population, so that takes you down to 464,100 people. Helpful?

The game is afoot...

Zeus,

I gather that you are not mathematically gifted here. Put on some brain power.

The clues are all in Sunny's sig.....

-Eliminate all females who are not in the 50-52 age range
-Eliminate all females in the 50-52 range who are childless

The number is down to probably 35,326 people.

You're getting warmer.

Careful Wonka, don't wake up my competitive side. I can calculate in my head better than anyone this side of rainman and could probably out perform most computers make before March of 2013. I'm breathing deep, breathing deep.

(you're talking to the person that wasn't allowed to play games during my time in the halfway house because I needed to learn how to conduct myself outside of competition)

PS- ok, thanks for the help