I could really use some advice and this seems to be the perfect place! First some background. I have known my wife for about 25 years. We met when I was 10. She was my next door neighbor but lived in a different town. We grew up together. We had our first ‘real’ relationship starting my senior year. She was obsessed with me at that point and I was a bad boyfriend. She taught me my lesson though 3 years later when she dumped me while in college. Now the shoe was the on the other foot. We were on and off for the next few years, always at her call. Ironically, we got back together before she ended up having major abdominal surgery. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I took that as a sign that we were meant to be together. But after she recovered, she decided she had enough of me again. Over the next 5 years or so, she had a few real relationships. I did not get involved in anything serious. In fact, she has been my only serious relationship. I basically stopped talking to her so I could move on with my life. Then 6 years ago she called me and now I am here. We have been officially back together for 6 years, lived together for 4 and married for 2. I am 34 she is 33 and we have no children. I thought our marriage is pretty good. We have similar interests, did everything together, no arguing and have all the same friends. About 2 months ago, I come back to bed to give my wife a kiss after brushing my teeth. She didn’t kiss me and just shook her head. I knew right away what that meant. She said “we have become roommates” and there is “no chemistry”. I agreed that things could be improved but thought we should work on it. Told her I would do anything. She said there was nothing to work on, it should be ‘natural’. She said I was the ‘best husband’ (obviously not) but that she is not happy. A few days later she told me she found an apartment and about a month ago she moved out. I suspect she is either having an affair or at the very least, having a good time. Some of the outfits she was wearing right before she left drove me crazy. That is not the girl I know. The past month has been hard. I try hard not to contact her. She has not contacted me once on her own during that time. I am keeping strong though by hitting the gym hard and focusing on finishing my MBA. Am I on the right track here by ignoring her? Of course I desperately want her back. I do not want to file for divorce and want her to bring it up so that it is 100% her decision. She has put through this before but we were not married. It is hard and I knew this was going to happen when we got back together. Ugh.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am so happy with those answers. I'll be sure to check into this forum during moments of weakness. They happen.
The only time she has shown any doubt in her actions over the past two months was right before she moved when I had basically not interacted with her in a week. But now that she has moved out, she shows zero interest in me.
Her birthday is coming up and it looks like the general advice is to ignore that. I can do it, but it will be tough.
Yes, ignore her birthday, and any other major holiday. Treat her like a nosy neighbor. Sorry you're here, but you will definitely get some great advice. Read all the homework Cadet gave you, and immediately order copies of the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedies books, and read them cover to cover. Do not let your W know about the books or this site.
It may be hard to not contact your W, but sounds like you have already went over a week, which is good. You are practicing what we call Last Resort Technique (LRT), which basically means you minimize contact and let her feel what life will be like w/o you in it. Be warned, this is going to be a very long, rough road, and you are at the very beginning. Progress will be measured in months or years, not in days. You need to now place the focus on yourself, and do your best to not worry about your W. That does not mean that you do not love her, or act mean or distant, but you become lovingly detached. Never initiate contact. I would suggest ignoring most calls, and try to avoid seeing her in person. You can reply to text messages occasionally, but be polite and short. Always end the conversation first, and leave her wanting for more. It will probably go this way for a few weeks before you see any interest from her at all, and maybe not even then. The idea is to refocus on your own life, and let her live hers. Your W is going through something and needs her time and space away from you to experience it.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Great advice DWH15. Pinnacl - it sounds like you are on the right track. I believe in this system, I just was unable to control my emotions and follow the rules and the "program". It is hard. Be strong brother.
So she moved out almost exactly a month ago. I have been weak a few times in there but have been pretty good given the situation. I have called her only once because her grandfather passed away. I had to... I just had to and also sent flowers to the funeral home but that was mainly for her family who I adore.
I had a 2 week stretch of me not initiating any contact. It felt good. I even ignored her thank you text message for the flowers. Then I got weak this weekend and texted her a few times before I found this site. They went mostly ignored of course.
She has shown zero interest in me the past month. I do not see how this will change. I think she has a pretty good idea of what life will be like without me and she seems to enjoy it. She is treating me like an ex-boyfriend, not her husband. It drives me crazy. I sit here and think about her constantly and know she is not thinking about me.
I will order those books today. I think I am doing good though. I exercise a lot while focusing on work and school. I have plans to look for a new job in the near future because the growth in my current is stagnate. I also want to be a better person and am thinking what I did to contribute to this situation. I'll get there. Luckily, she has given me a lot of practice in this very situation. The stakes are just larger now.
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and I am sorry for the loss of her grandfather.
You are so right to recognize that the stakes are larger now.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have been thinking a lot today about ways to improve myself as I move forward here while letting my wife hopefully find her way (I hope that is what she is doing!).
Physically, I would like to gain back the 20 lbs I lost in the past 6 years while also achieving personal records with my running (5k's and half marathon's) and playing more hockey. This really is a boost to my confidence.
Career, focus on trying to find a better, more rewarding job and finish my MBA.
Socially, I want to become a bit more outgoing and work on my conversation skills. I have already been working on this and I think it is coming along.
Mentally, I need to stay positive. When people ask me how I am doing... I respond with "I couldn't be better, life is good". Corny, but it actually makes me feel good. I also have always had a problem where I focus on the future, instead of the present. I need to stop this. "Yesterday's gone, tomorrow's not here, what are you doing right now?"
I do have one issue I am not sure how to address and it is so embarrassing. Sexually I am just not good. No confidence before and definitely no confidence now. It is a combo of a few bad experiences and just a general lack of experience (though there should be no lack of experience! ugh). I don't know how to work on it though. It is mental, there are no physical issues. I will not be with anyone besides my wife until our marriage is over. I read but that only goes so far. Any advice??
