So she moved out almost exactly a month ago. I have been weak a few times in there but have been pretty good given the situation. I have called her only once because her grandfather passed away. I had to... I just had to and also sent flowers to the funeral home but that was mainly for her family who I adore.
There's nothing inherently wrong with sending flowers. You'd likely do that for a coworker or decent friend. What would be wrong is attaching expectations to it. If you think she's going to reconsider anything based on that act. Hell, thinking she'll even say "thank you" is too much.
Originally Posted By: pinnacl
I had a 2 week stretch of me not initiating any contact. It felt good. I even ignored her thank you text message for the flowers. Then I got weak this weekend and texted her a few times before I found this site. They went mostly ignored of course.
Well, now you know right? As I like to say, the stove is still hot.
Originally Posted By: pinnacl
She has shown zero interest in me the past month. I do not see how this will change. I think she has a pretty good idea of what life will be like without me and she seems to enjoy it. She is treating me like an ex-boyfriend, not her husband. It drives me crazy. I sit here and think about her constantly and know she is not thinking about me.
Who KNOWS what she's thinking about. Could be you, OM, or polka dotted unicorns. That's why the best advice is to focus inwards. Stop worrying about she's thinking about and worry about the things you can control - you, your actions, your thoughts, your reactions, etc.
Originally Posted By: pinnacl
I will order those books today. I think I am doing good though. I exercise a lot while focusing on work and school. I have plans to look for a new job in the near future because the growth in my current is stagnate. I also want to be a better person and am thinking what I did to contribute to this situation. I'll get there. Luckily, she has given me a lot of practice in this very situation. The stakes are just larger now.
These are good things. Getting out and about is a great start. Also, the PMA you describe below is GREAT. These two things will turn you around faster than anything else, in my opinion.
I do have one issue I am not sure how to address and it is so embarrassing. Sexually I am just not good. No confidence before and definitely no confidence now. It is a combo of a few bad experiences and just a general lack of experience (though there should be no lack of experience! ugh). I don't know how to work on it though. It is mental, there are no physical issues. I will not be with anyone besides my wife until our marriage is over. I read but that only goes so far. Any advice??
You may want to ask the fine ladies here, but I can't imagine your wife walking away because of this.
And I wouldn't find someone to practice with right now...
Hi Pinnacl, I was going to ask you what you thought you brought to the relationship that she had issue with. If she were posting, what would she say are the reasons she left? When you argued and she expressed her needs, what did she ask for? You mentioned sex, so that is a good start. You
Not to be a downer, but looking at your on again off again history, that seemed like a warning flag to me. Once or twice I can see breaking up and getting back together, but all those times? There is a pattern there that you probably need to figure out or you will just repeat it again.
You are doing great and a lot stronger than a lot of us. An entire week with no contact? That's power! Good luck to you.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
So a couple of things. Of course our previous history was a huge red flag. Any relationship she has been in comes to a sudden halt. I don't know what it is. I was worried about it for years. I probably should have discussed it with her in great detail to make sure this was what she wanted.
The reason she gave for wanting to leave is because she said 'we have become roommates" and 'we lack chemistry". I wanted to try and work on these issues, I think they can be solved. She said, there is nothing you can do about it, it should just be 'natural'. She said I am the best husband and she knows she is going to regret this but 'this is how she feels'. Which actually infuriated me (didn't show it) because I have heard that same line before. Obviously, I am thinking there is someone else.
We actually never argued. I don't know what needs I was not meeting... Maybe affection though I think I was OK there. Conversation, I was poor at, for sure. I definitely need to work on that.
I think we just needed to bond more and the bedroom will be more comfortable. I was just like everything I did was wrong. I am not kissing her right, not kissing her in the right spot, don't put your hand here when you kiss me, etc. So then I am thinking... was what I just did right, is she into it... I don't know. It was stressful for both of us. So it ended up being just sex which isn't good for anyone. I completely agreed it was an issue. I just wanted to work at it... thought it could even be fun.
still going strong today. No urges to contact my wife. This is how it usually goes until, all of the sudden, the urge pops up from no where and it is so strong. But I'll fight it... I have a few tricks.
Big thank you to facebook. The have a cool new feature where it shows you past posts you have made or been tagged in. I guess I gave my wife flowers a year ago today and she put it on there. Thanks for the reminder FB and no I do not want to 'share' this.
Pinn - I really dont think that the only reason that she is leaving is because of your skills (or, I guess, lack thereof) in bed.
It sounds like she is looking for (or already has) that drug high of a new relationship. You know those butterfly feelings where life is rainbows and cotton candy. But that doesnt last. That wears off. Thats NOT "chemistry" (at least not in my opinion) and thats certainly not how marriages work. There is no "solving" your relationship to bring that back.
As for "affection", Im sure you are referring to the physical touch aspect. Have you read 5 Love Languages? There is more than one way to give or receive affection. Id highly recommend this book as an add-on to DR/DB.
I have not read that (I will, I need to use this to learn but I am reading a lot of material at the moment haha), but I am not only talking about physical touching. I am talking about like random text messages saying "I love you" throughout the day, randomly giving her flowers or simply kissing her before I left for work (I left while she was still sleeping but she would always wake up slightly as I left). But I am sure I could have done more. Thinking back though, she did not seem to be very affectionate toward me. Maybe I needed more of that.
I think that is exactly what she is looking for or has found. I know we cannot get that aspect back but think there are things we could do to bring us emotionally closer and we could still have a great marriage. I don't know how she could come to that realization though.... everything seemed to happen so fast.... crazy
I guess I know that there is no "solving" our relationship to bring that feeling back. What I need to figure out though is if and how I dropped the ball here to make sure it does not happen again. I want to have a great family life someday and really need to figure this out. It will be hard to do without her input into exactly what the real issues were. hmph.
