My Thoughts On Why They Run Away (new)

[job]

The original thread w/this title was created back in 2002 and has now since been purged, but I thought it would be good to have the first posting brought back to help others and hopefully get some new discussions started to help those who are struggling w/understanding why their spouses/mates have run away.

From the original first posting:

I thought it would be nice to start a thread on exactly what my thoughts are on why the spouse tends to run away during their crisis. I have done a lot of reading and listening to my friend about his thoughts and feelings during his crisis. So here goes.

Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children. The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD, NP traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending. As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives. As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened. You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times. However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child. It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This is where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life. This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts. If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as he "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.

As spouses and friends of the mlcers, we must always keep in mind that they are in a very fragile state when the "crisis" child gains control. They are so confused and hurt. The anger is not at you, but at what life has dished out to them. It's the hurt coming out and it's really a delayed reaction to how they were mistreated as children. We have to remember to treat them kindly and with compassion during this time. Why? Because this could have happened to you. During the "crisis" child stage, you will be viewed as the mother/father authority figure, therefore you are the one that gets the brunt of what is happening. They are afraid to speak to their parents for fear of what the parents will do to them. Who better than us to get the emotional flack? They know we love them, they just don't know how to deal with the emotional pain that goes so very deep. Folks, I've had many long conversations w/my friend and I can tell you, he is suffering terribly from his "crisis" childhood. Until he resolves his issues and speaks to his father, he will continue to run and never heal.

I hope that this will help some of you better understand what is happening. I'd welcome all of your comments. As time goes by, I'll post more of my thoughts and observations. Mlc is not a pretty sight by any means, especially if the mlcer is willing to sit down and speak to you about how he/she is feeling. That's why it is so very important to be a friend during the crisis. You will learn so much more about what is going on. Keep the expectations to zero and I feel very strongly that your spouse's "crisis" child will speak to you. Listen carefully, sift through the garbage coming out of their mouths and the answers are all there. It's not about you, but about them and how they were mistreated as children.

Take care.

Again, these are my thoughts on the subject.

[Ss06]

VERY enlightening. Goodness.

Empathy is not a strong suit of mine. Yet another thing to work on.

[LoisB]

Job,

This thread brought me so much comfort in the early days after Smokey left. Thanks for bringing it back. I needed it today. It's not about us. They are broken.

[wishing, hoping]

This is true. So true. J's sisters (and his brother) have all told ms stories about their childhood that I found incredibly horrifying. I always felt so bad that J had to endure that trauma growing up. I never figured that dysfunction would come back to attack me, the only one who ever had J's back.

Sometimes I wonder if it is really a crisis J is going through, but some of the things he says and does are so off the wall, there really isn't any other explanation.

Reminds me of the song "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister. Oh boy did I just date myself.

WH

[123Gwen]

My H and his family are very disconnected from each other. It is alarming to see how they fail to function as a family unit. For the first two decades of our marriage I nagged H to call every two weeks and it became a source of tension between us. It was a huge mistake to interfere that way but I was young and not aware how my actions could mask things. Once I decided to let him deal with his own family he just avoided them. Then a few years went by and he treated me and our children the same way. His siblings are also extremely detached but not in a healthy way. He is the only one who had children.

As I apply the DB tactics I must admit there is a real fear that H will never face the trauma of his childhood and/or his ability to run away and avoid at all costs is rooted in his DNA. Of course, I must work on my issues and look to change myself.

Thanks for some perspective that helps clarify things.

[2BHappy]

My h childhood.
Father very abusive to mother. 5 kids poor. Mother worked all the time.
1 sister did not talk for a couple years.
Father also chronic cheater....died of heart attack in another woman's house...
My h as oldest son was sent to house to get the family car.
Only thing h ever said about was his dad was he only came home to beat his mom have sex or take whatever money was in house.

When h mom died h was very depressed and angry sat home took time off from work like 4 months.

But my h says his childhood does not affect him as an adult.

He holds in a lot of feelings. We have never argued in front of son or public...we very rarely argue...h thinks feelings are a sign of weakness.

Will he ever come out of crisis...if he is in crisis?

[Rick1963]

My ex never expressed how she felt. In fact she lied often or kept info from me. She is a loner and has very few friends. Thinking back she blamed me for not having friends..Interesting post Job.

[Missmeg]

So accurate. My H was horribly treated in his childhood. Abandoned by father, brought up poor without enough to eat, first memory is of waitung in car while mom "hooked up" with some guy. Left with whomever was around to babysit which led to sex abuse by various babysitters, punished strictly, twice in elementary school walked in on mothers suicide attempt and had to call 911 to save his mom, stepfather entered picture at age 12, promptly "educates" H by having them watch porn together, is whipped with coaxial cables for forgetting to dust the light bulbs, PE teacher saw the welts, H removed from home for a while and then returned, Etc

And yes, he is a loner with no friends, sees that the purpose of money is to buy "status" items, and has a facade of being the nice guy.

Then he lives with us and sees how I treat my children with love and respect. That I try to seek understanding before I decide on discipline; if it were up to him they would be punished punitively for small infractions. Does not understand why I don't expect my children to leave the house as soon as they turn 18, really disagrees with helping them pay for college. Doesn't get why I will leave our bed to comfort a daughter who was crying because a nightmare woke her up.

I think the dichotomy between my kids' upbringing and his own blew his mind and triggered the MLC

[job]

Missmeg,
Nope, the dichtomony between your kids' upbringing and his didn't blow his mind and trigger his MLC. Something happened in the last 18-24 months that triggered his trip down MLC Lane. What happened? Did he lose a position, health issue, family and/or co-worker death, a new baby, child graduating from high school, etc.?

[LoisB]

Thanks Job!!!!!!

This brought me so much comfort in those earliest days. Sooo much comfort.

3.5 years down the road and it has all been revealed to be so accurate, it's scary.

These individuals are in a shidload of pain. In Matt's case, you can SEE the pain of the past three years written on his face. Still, it's NOT us who can solve it, fix it, even comfort. It's something they need to do for themselves. Like a toddler trying to learn independence.