Thanks Job. I Know everyone tells me to focus on myself and detach, but I have had the hardest time doing that. I think about her every day and besides being ADHD myself, am quite distracted by losing her.
Yes. Unfortunately, they have always believed everything she does and have blamed me for things they have never seen.
I am realizing though that I have some issues of my own to work out, but the difficult part is getting her back. Since she has gone and told her entire extended family how horrible I have been, I am afraid pride and pleasing her parents will keep her from returning, unless she actually does grow.
This is exactly how i feel. I think he wants to please his mom. He has said things to me that I have heard her say previously.
Clay, For now, your main focus has to be on YOU. You are very normal because we all were/are distracted when our spouses walk out the door or say that that are done and start acting out. Who wouldn't be? Why is that? Because we are hit right between the eyes and never actually saw it coming because their feelings and behavior change gradually over time and we "assume" that they are just moody or something has gone wrong in their work, etc. They begin detaching from us at least 18-24 months (or longer) from us...so they have a head start on separating from us emotionally and in some cases, physically.
Parents, unless they are physically present 24/7, generally will believe what their children tell them. She may have been talking to them for a while about being unhappy, not feeling connected to you or the relationship. This is very normal and yes, parents will believe their children because blood is thicker than water. MLCers vilify the spouses and what they stand for. It's the only way that they can justify leaving. Some parents will eventually begin to see that things aren't exactly as their children have told them, but that's later, much later in the crisis.
As for getting her back, well, you are going to have to let her go and figure things out for herself. The more you try to convince her to return and work on things, the more she's going to pull away. I know, it's difficult because I've been there myself many years ago. As for the pride and pleasing her parents, no one knows what the future holds and she just may get sick of her parents and their smothering her as she grows up...but until then, you will need to make a life for yourself, i.e., start living it as if she may not return. Your wife's journey has only begun and it's going to take a long time for her to experience life as a teenager once again and then grow up.
There's nothing you can do for her except pray for her. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The only person that you have control over is yourself. For today, start a list of things that you would like to do that you've not had a chance to do and begin thinking about doing them. Do not put your life on hold because this is not a sprint, but a marathon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is right about them detaching/changing way before the actual bomb. Mine began changing at least 2 years before. In 2009 my eyes became blurry when reading. I rember placing stamps on some envelopes. I didnt see that the stamps were upside down cause my eyes were getting old. Exw saw the envelopes and with a serious look said "I dont know why they dont put you in jail". When I look back the signs were there we just dont make much of it as Job states.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I hope that is the case with my WAW, but her situation is a little different. Her parents still coddle her. She wants to be on her own, but never has. She has been with them a year now and has put me through hell emotionally and financially. She says she is going to get her own place, but I am not sure she will leave her parents, as they want her there with them. It is one of the main reasons we had troubles in our 17 year marriage (their interference). Unfortunately, she has issues that were caused by them, but she doesn't see it. Instead she blames me. Not sure if hers is a MLC because she is classic PAPD even though she won't admit it and her parents are enablers to her behavior. She and her parents blame everyone (especially me) for everything. This is the third time she has left me, but this time she actually filed.
It seems like we have similar situations. My husbands mom has always been the biggest problem. I am blamed for everything from him. His mom blames everyone for anything too.
Doe your H's mom accuse you of things she has never seen you do as if they were firsthand knowledge? My MIL does that frequently. Her daughter can do no wrong.
I hope my W grows a little, but there is a chance she will never move out, as there is an unhealthy co-dependency between her and her parents. She is 43.
I got the final paperwork last night from my attorney that I need to sign and send back So it can be entered into judgement. I just bawled, as I am sti in disbelief and feel betrayed.
I know you are all right about detaching. I believe she has had one foot out the door during our entire marriage. This is the third time she has left and she always runs to her parents who leave the door wide open for her and she knows it. I told my 24 year old if she were to do that, I would tell her to go home and fix her marriage. Her reply was "Dad, I would never do that." My wife's parents want her there.
What her parents are doing is called "enabling". I have a similar situation in my own family w/my sister and my mother. I have told my mother many times over, allow my sister to finger things out for herself. After all, my mother won't be around forever to hold my sister's hand and I certainly won't be doing it.
My xh told my MIL many things that weren't true and she believed him for a while. Eventually she figured out that something was no on the up and up. BTW, during all of that time, I did not try to defend myself w/them. I figured if they believed his lies, then it was on them to figure it out.
Right. I have heard that term many times for the behavior they have. I have also been told that I was an enabler as well because I needed to go to extra lengths to keep her happy.
Quote:
My xh told my MIL many things that weren't true and she believed him for a while. Eventually she figured out that something was no on the up and up. BTW, during all of that time, I did not try to defend myself w/them. I figured if they believed his lies, then it was on them to figure it out.
I always tried to defend myself when my MIL would accuse me of things. It always ended up in an uncomfortable disagreement. When we would leave to go home, my W would get mad at me, but she said she was mad at both me and her mother. She never did defend me because she is still seeking their approval. My mother knows if she were ever to attack my wife, I would get upset and not come back. That is what spouses are supposed to do for each other.
Thank you for this post. I see my husband as you describe your friend's pain.
So knowing this, how do I stay compassionate and loving through the mediation process? There are some issues which I absolutely have to stand firm on, for my sake and our son's. I'm sure that will put me firmly in the category of authority figure/unsafe person. The alternative would mean getting financially annihilated. I cannot allow that to happen to our child or myself. We deserve a safe, clean place to live. He deserves to stay at his school - he is an honors student and a great athlete who continues to work hard. He shouldn't be punished or made to experience a re-play of my husband's screwed up childhood.
My husband hasn't spoken to his father since 1995. His mother and I both think it would be beneficial for him to have a discussion, but he is adamantly opposed to it - or at least he was last time we discussed such matters, pre-bd. Now he's just hell-bent of destroying our lives, selling our house, divorce, etc. It has felt for a long time like he's trying to re-create his childhood trauma (the bitterest divorce I"ve ever heard of). He's even rented an apartment a few blocks from the house his parents owned prior to their divorce. In fact, he was the paperboy for one of his current neighbors. He's been in therapy for four years. The therapist should issue him a refund, imo. WTF?
We are in mediation, and one example of how he is trying to replay his childhood was glaring: he is adamant that our son pay for at least part of college himself - 33% to be exact. That's absurd. Saddling a 23 year old kid right out of school with potentially 70K in debt. "My parents didn't give me a dime for my college education!" So you REPEAT THAT PATTERN??????? Because it was such a great power of example????
I have been beyond patient, compassionate, loving and kind through this process. My close confidantes and my therapist have all said I've taken an exceptionally compassionate attitude, especially given the various things he's done and said. I'm not saying that to put myself on some pedastal or in the victim seat. I say it because it's true, I have the utmost in compassion and love for my husband and the pain he is suffering. I would give anything to be able to help him through this. All I can do is pray, love him and stay out of his way while he goes through it, I guess. My struggle here is how to balance fierce compassion with taking care of business. Suggestions please? Next mediation session is in a few days. Many thanks
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
There is no easy answer btt. The advice I was given is to treat divorce as a business deal. They broke a contract. I gave full control to my L and it worked out ok for me. I put my heart in a box and on a shelf while my D went through. He is going to be angry no matter the outcome. Protect your son and you.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Bttrfly, I struggle with the same thing...how to stay compassionate while standing firm. Based on advice from Job, it's listening to them and being friendly, but at the same time, setting boundaries that protect you and standing firm on them.
I always end up feeling like the villain. In reality, we are just trying to a stop any further damage. The one thing I plan on fighting for is my home. The same reasons you mentioned, S loves his school, his friends and excels in class. I won't allow H to ruin that.
I am sure the vets will have some good advice on that. It's tough!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
