First Post, She just Left, Very unsure

[Shrike]

I was going to ask for more time/ take it slower with the separation tonight. (been 2 weeks since BD, but she says its been several years for her ) as I feel like she is moving so fast towards the divorce. Is this a good idea? any imput before I do it would be awesome!

[sandi2]

Does caving to her every demand put me at a disadvantage? Does it show her I am weak and in turn she loses more respect?

Really? How would you answer those questions if someone else asked them?

Some people may suggest using every stall tactic you can, to slow the S or D process. IMO, it just causes the WW to feel more contempt for the H. But that's your decision to make. If it is you trying to get control of the stitch, I don't think it will work.

You can't talk her into changing her mind. The more you try to persuade her to not D you, the faster you push her away. Be honest. What do you think you will accomplish by prolonging the S? If you are thinking that in time she will come around and things will just work itself out............you are in for a big let down. It doesn't happen that way.

Don't misunderstand and think I am pushing you to run out and be first to file. I'm not. I want you to take a deep breath and use your head and answer these questions as honestly as you can. Not to me, but to yourself.

You are wanting to make some move that will stall her from ending the M. Right? Those desperate thoughts will likely prevent you from calming down enough to really learn what you need to apply.

As far as she's concerned, the M is over. Taking time or space is what a WW says to just get away from her H. That's her first step. She has already thought it over. Am I saying this is totally hopeless? No. I think your actions could influence the final results. Don't be afraid of the D papers. That fear will imprison you.

Until you have enough discipline to stop initiating contact with her, nothing you do is going to work in your favor. (And don't use your little girl as an excuse to contact WW). So, I challenge you to go this entire week without initiating any contact. If she texts you, give only two to four word responses.......and only if she asks a direct question that requires an answer. Think you can do it?

You see, it's not about what she does, but what you do. It isn't about controlling her actions, but your own.

You know what the majority of newcomers say about the 37 rules? "They are so hard". They aren't hard. It is the individual person who doesn't want to do them. They are afraid to trust them. However, I have little doubt that every newcomer has done every one of those rules at some time in their marital past, and thought nothing of it. But now, they are disparate! Now they feel threatened. They are scared to death and clinging like crazy to keep their spouse from getting a D. Now the dynamics have changed, and the rules seem unbearable. Do you see what I mean?

Remember how you felt when you fell out of love with her? Yet, you want to believe you can still see her love for you shining in her eyes? If this were true, she would not be trying to get away from you! Does she still care about you? Probably, b/c you are the father of her child. But caring and feeling in love are two different things to a young woman. She can care about a friend or a relative. So, don't be delusional about how she feels about you. I'm not saying you are the type, but some men try to tell a woman what she really feels........as though she doesn't have enough sense to figure it out herself. Truth is, she may be confused and don't know what she's feeling........but it is not your job to tell her. It makes women furious for a man to argue about what she's feeling! Just thought I'd give you that little tip.

[Shrike]

Thank you for the feedback sandi, I do appreciate it. It feels good to just get stuff out there and have advice from people that have been there before.

Really? How would you answer those questions if someone else asked them?

I would personally answer yes as that Is how I feel. I am unsure however if this is right response right now. I know we are not supposed to argue. But I am learning (slowly :/) that its not really about her anymore. I have to think about me and my kid.

Some people may suggest using every stall tactic you can, to slow the S or D process. IMO, it just causes the WW to feel more contempt for the H. But that's your decision to make. If it is you trying to get control of the stitch, I don't think it will work.

You can't talk her into changing her mind. The more you try to persuade her to not D you, the faster you push her away. Be honest. What do you think you will accomplish by prolonging the S? If you are thinking that in time she will come around and things will just work itself out............you are in for a big let down. It doesn't happen that way.

I did not ask her to take more time. I realized I was just doing it because I thought it would give her the chance to see that I can change. But I think that she no longer really cares if I change.

Don't misunderstand and think I am pushing you to run out and be first to file. I'm not. I want you to take a deep breath and use your head and answer these questions as honestly as you can. Not to me, but to yourself.

You are wanting to make some move that will stall her from ending the M. Right? Those desperate thoughts will likely prevent you from calming down enough to really learn what you need to apply.

As far as she's concerned, the M is over. Taking time or space is what a WW says to just get away from her H. That's her first step. She has already thought it over. Am I saying this is totally hopeless? No. I think your actions could influence the final results. Don't be afraid of the D papers. That fear will imprison you.

It has been extremely difficult to accept that because she has walked out, she has already made up her mind. However I think I'm out of big moves. It is insane how ingrained my life was with her. I have to go re-read detachment. I might print it out and keep it in my pocket with the 37.

So, I challenge you to go this entire week without initiating any contact. If she texts you, give only two to four word responses.......and only if she asks a direct question that requires an answer. Think you can do it?

I accept, I need the space now.

You see, it's not about what she does, but what you do. It isn't about controlling her actions, but your own.

You know what the majority of newcomers say about the 37 rules? "They are so hard". They aren't hard. It is the individual person who doesn't want to do them. They are afraid to trust them. However, I have little doubt that every newcomer has done every one of those rules at some time in their marital past, and thought nothing of it. But now, they are disparate! Now they feel threatened. They are scared to death and clinging like crazy to keep their spouse from getting a D. Now the dynamics have changed, and the rules seem unbearable. Do you see what I mean?

I think I am starting too. At first I thought that this all would empower me to change so I get my wife back. I have begun to realize that It cannot be about her any longer. She chose to walk out. However bad it was for both of us, she made that decision. Not to say she doesn't deserve the right to make it.

What I have to do now is get My life back. In a way she has given me a gift, to make myself a better person. I cant sit back and wait with my arms open while she moves in the opposite direction.

Remember how you felt when you fell out of love with her? Yet, you want to believe you can still see her love for you shining in her eyes? If this were true, she would not be trying to get away from you! Does she still care about you? Probably, b/c you are the father of her child. But caring and feeling in love are two different things to a young woman. She can care about a friend or a relative. So, don't be delusional about how she feels about you. I'm not saying you are the type, but some men try to tell a woman what she really feels........as though she doesn't have enough sense to figure it out herself. Truth is, she may be confused and don't know what she's feeling........but it is not your job to tell her. It makes women furious for a man to argue about what she's feeling! Just thought I'd give you that little tip.

I only say this, as this is what she expressed to me. That yes there was love there still and that she still has feelings, but that she cannot act on it and does not know if she ever can act on it again. She still has to do this, because she has to work on herself, has to pursue her goals and just be happy again and already feels happier being away. (hearing this pretty much confirmed that she wouldn't be reconciling)

Just hard things to hear, but I will have to accept them.

The twinkle in her eyes may have just be my delusions you are correct, but I feel like I know her well enough to see it... I do agree that I cannot tell her how to feel and I definitely tried to stay far away from doing this.

[rdken]

The twinkle in her eyes may have just be my delusions you are correct, but I feel like I know her well enough to see it... I do agree that I cannot tell her how to feel and I definitely tried to stay far away from doing this.

Correction: you used to know her well enough to see it. Now that she is likely a WW, you don't know her at all. This is something Sandi will repeat over and over. You have to drop the rope my friend. Let her make her own choices.

[Shrike]

I understand what you all are saying. I really need to start putting it into practice in my thought processes.

Here's another short little bit.

This weekend, I went out to a concert with a friend (male, break dancer if it matters haha) I hadn't seen in a while. It was a sort of dance/edm type thing. Not really my favorite, but I wanted to see my buddy.

Me trying to be no contact, did not tell her about it. We are a little short on cash, but I had moved some funds around so I could go. (sell stuff on ebay, got some extra from an auction.) I felt like it was a reasonable expense, and I didn't want to sit at home alone.

She saw the bank statement and when she dropped off our daughter the next night, got really upset with me. Saying this just proves ill never change and that I'm irresponsible and should know better, that I did stuff like that all time. How shes just doing work,home,work,home and that she wants to get out too, but is more responsible, and thinks about things like this.

at the time, I not wanting to argue, agreed that it wasn't the best decision. But cited that I was just trying to get out and be positive. And that I had thought I had the funds. She countered that I should just be doing like her and going to work, then home and taking care of the daughter if I have her etc.

It was at this point she said she couldn't believe I would go to a concert and let other women hold hands with me and exchange bracelets etc.. and that she was really jealous and really upset.

I didn't apologize, but I stated I wasn't trying to make her jealous and that I didn't do any of that, just listened to the music, had a few beers, kinda danced in a group with friends. She didn't really seem like she believed me but I think that's normal with whats happening.

She sort of mumbled that she was upset and that this just confirms why she left and I just agreed that it was a stupid decision. And left it at that.

This is similar to how past disagreements went. She would say I did something irresponsible/stupid etc.. I would try to justify. Get upset, retreat further. She thought I wouldn't listen.. It all just kind of [censored] how its the same cycle even when we aren't together.

Now in retrospect, I feel like it should have been ok for me to go out. She is leaving me, why does she care? Is this the point where I start setting boundaries for what she can and cannot do/say to ME> I sort of see that I may be wrapped around her finger and its kind of disgusting me right now.

I love my wife and want to reconcile but I don't want to bend over backwards for her either. I know I have made MANY mistakes and hurt her. Maybe just having an angry day for me.


Any way end ramble it was supposed to be short. Not sure I got accross what I was originally trying to say but oh well. New at forum writing. Thanks guys/gals for reading!

[Shrike]

Had a good night last night was more optimistic than I was before BD. Started to get some feelings of anger, but didn't let them take over, but definitely a nice change of pace from all the pain.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty down. I miss her a lot. Re-Reading detachment again. Got my DR book in the mail last night. Didn't have time to start reading. But excited for that.

Unfollowed her instagram account. She has been posting pictures in her underwear (she wants to be a fitness model) Hurts too much to look and read the comments. She always said I didn't let her express this goal of hers, and that I got too jealous. Maybe so. But I told her many times this past year that I had no arguments about it. Just keep it classy. I think she was still holding on to my old point of view for some reason. Maybe to justify how she felt about the whole marriage.

Got my entrance interview accepted for physical therapy school. That's on Nov 6. Finally moving forward with that! Took my wife leaving for me to get the ball rolling haha.

[sandi2]

Posting photos of herself in underwear doesn't seem very classy, to me. Maybe she's decided she wants to be a Victoria Secret model, instead.

Got my entrance interview accepted for physical therapy school. That's on Nov 6. Finally moving forward with that!

Good for you!

[Shrike]

Thank you sandi.

I cant get upset about it now. Just had to unfollow. I know shes going to get attention from other men and it messes with my head. But if I react to it, I empower her, so im just ignoring it.

[Shrike]

Nails in the coffin. I wish I could stop thinking.

Before I started trying the LRT or going dark or NC. She said she's finally figured out what she wants to do. She doesn't see herself having a future with me. She has all these goals she wants to achieve, but cant with me, because im not ready as a person, she needs a man, not a child. These statements really hurt me as a person. Because these are things I believe(d) we could have/were doing together. Then boom she's gone. Says shes hasn't felt it for years. I mean then why didn't she make a big stink about it then >:( on second thought this is her big stink right now. I know I should take this as a chance to move on. But I LOVE my wife.

For me going dark seems like more of the behavior she didn't like in the marriage. And yes I realize I shouldn't be doing this, hoping that it will change something in her. But I want to ask if it will help or hinder? Or is that rhetorical, because this is more about me giving myself time to clear my head and focus on GAL etc. I guess have a lot of work to do before I can truly detach and live for me and not her.

ERRGGGGGGGGHHHHH I want to be free of the pain. I dont want to wait around months or years for it to go away. Im trying to be patient but it hurts.

[Azzork]

ERRGGGGGGGGHHHHH I want to be free of the pain. I dont want to wait around months or years for it to go away. Im trying to be patient but it hurts.

Hav - I havent read all of your thread yet, but in reading this post, I wanted to chime in quickly.

Think of it this way --- if you broke your arm, you wouldnt be mad at yourself for feeling pain, right? Youd allow it to slowly heal before you went out and started tossing around a football, right? So, allow yourself some time to heal and to grieve. I know it hurts now. And will tomorrow. But, its OK. It will be OK.