I am M:26 and the W:24 (turns 25 in 17days, more on this later) with one D:5
Not sure how to proceed writing this but I will let the words flow if I can. It definitely feels good to vent.
Marriage history to come in next post.
Also, I apologize for not knowing all of the abbreviations. (Part of me hopes that I'm not around long enough to memorize them, dark humor I know...)
I plan on picking up DR on the way home today if I can find it.
Pressing questions for me:
Do I go completely dark? Do I go dark/let go/protect myself all at once, or do I try to play by ear and react to the situation changing.
Her birthday is coming up, do I try to do anything for it?
Her and I are both fitness freaks. I go to the gym almost everyday, I am unwilling to give this up as it is helping tremendously with coping. She works at the gym that I go to. And I do not have the money to switch, although I am thinking about switching anyway. BUUUtt part of me thinks, that me showing up to the gym freshly groomed, very friendly to her listening to her workout advice or problems or whatever she has to say never done before, will explain in next post)consistently, will help turn her opinion of me around. Yes, no?
Pre notes:
I love my wife immensely and regret her having to walk out, is the only thing that woke me up. I do want her back and am unwilling to give up until its truly over. This would be her saying yes its over she wants a divorce or her starting up with a new guy. (this might change too I'm not sure how i will feel when it happens?
I am slightly confused trying to sort through whether the information I am reading about is for separated males or females, or if it even matters. As well as if its for separations with affairs or without them. And if any of that matters.
I am here because this particular course of action does feel right. Not to say there aren't moments of despair and doubt. I constantly question if I am doing the right thing by avoiding her. Not a lot of time has passed so I guess I will see.
At this moment in time she is still communicating with me. Her saying she doesn't know what she wants, whether its me in the long run or a future apart, does give me a slight hope in reconciliation. I know I cannot expect this for my sanity's sake.
I do not suspect an affair right now. But again I have no expectations. This may be happening and it will probably hurt if true.
My Story So Far:
8/30/15 was BD (bomb drop?) She left the same night. I let her go, we've had this conversation before, but she seems heart set on the space. I know its good to give space. I don't beg her, don't say im going to change, again Ive done all that before and she did stay, but not for her she says, because she cant see me in pain.
Currently still at her parents. The first week I was in pre-denial if there is such a thing. I was convinced she would be back after a few days. That she just needed a little break. She'd be back, shes threatened to leave before but always stayed, this isn't different shes coming back. I am texting her throughout the day. Making Facebook posts to try and show her and the world that I love her, send wedding pictures to remind of the good times.
9/5/15 The second week rolls around, I am in shock, devastated. The pain is unreal, I walk around gagging, nausea, tears, that awful lump and the pain in the heart, oh wow its real. Desperate to find something that will work, my search of the internet begins. I talk to family members, and for the first time in a while i try to talk to God.
9/6/15 She texts me saying shes going to move to a renovated house her stepdad is building. She also mentions legal separation. I do not disagree but, this scares me even more, more desperation sets in.
9/6-7/15 I do a lot of research during the previous day, I find Jack Ito and i also find Divorce busters. I don't have the money to call but the things they talk about give me hope.
They talk about various techniques but I resolve to go to try and get her, i tell her I understand, I tell her she can still have her space, I try to make it about her not me. I explain to her in a letter that I read in tears that I understand why she left, that I took her heart and she expected me to protect it and that I broke that vow and destroyed her love.
I ask her to let me regain her trust. But she says she doesn't know if she can. I ask to get to relearn each other. But she doesn't know if she can. I ask to just start dating again, she says shes not ready.
The here and now: Fast forward 3 day's After the denial of Monday night, I see that pushing, begging, convincing isn't going to work. Her heart is hardened against me. Since we have a daughter that is 5, I also decide that I cannot for her sake, and my own, sit around in self pity, hoping that my wife will return.
Tuesday the 8th i am still texting her during the day. Trying to take deep breaths and relax. Pain comes in waves. Anxiety still high. I do call her that night.
Wednesday the 9th Very little texting from me. I call her that night because we need to find a better place for our (mostly hers) dog to stay, because I work long hours he is alone from 7am until 8pm
Today, little to no texting. only ask her about some bills. remain friendly. convincing myself to let go/move on. but the pain still comes the desire still comes, the lump doesn't go away.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Read some of user Mozza's early posts and I realize that I am feeling a lot of the same things.
Is this a forum for saving the marriage or a subtle way to let us down easy?
Everything is moving so fast, I feel like I'm just watching my life on a TV, turn into everything I never wanted on fast forward. And I cant change the channel or turn it off.
I feel like this is what my W is trying to do. Letting me down easy, any moment I am expecting her to tell me there is a OM. When she left she cried and said I still love you so much, please don't hate me for this. How can I not be angry with her?
I know after much self reflection that I was an awful H.
Its not that I'm upset so much that she walked out and is getting space. It is probably good for both of us. But its the fact that she seems so distant so unloving, where 2 weeks ago we we were kissing and making love and talking and it seemed like everything was fine.
She went from I need a little space, to I am moving into a different house and we should get a legal separation.
Marriage History to come.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Trying very hard not to reach out to her right now. Try to rationalize whats happening. Try to make sense of what shes feeling. Try to clarify what she wants. I dont think it will help. I want to talk to her so bad. I dont know if going dim? Is the right thing to do. Somewhere deep down I feel like I should be fighting for her. Show her what I want. That I am confident.
Anyways History the Kind of Short version:
Got married very young, 17 her and 18 me. I joined the AF and she went with me to Japan. Two kids in a foreign country with no family was a recipe for disaster. But we were in love right? Had a beautiful daughter. I fell out of love with her. Had a EA. She distanced herself. Became unhappy. I fell back in love, but I still didn't know what that truely meant, both to me and to her. I didn't listen to her needs. I didn't respect her. I took her love and destroyed it.
This circle of destruction continues when we move to Hawaii on my next assignment. I dont like that she is in this pity party. She wont leave the house. I finally tell all this to her and she resents me for it. But soon she is working out, gets a job, goes back to school! Only this doesnt help us comes closer. She sees it as her being independent, which is fine. I get very sick. A lot of hospital time. I become scared that I am going to lose her. But instead of reaching out for help, I lash out in fear. She is further away than ever before. Starts going out with coworkers and gym friends rather than helping me. I feel abandoned, but I cant blame her. She has texts from other guys and facebook messages and snap chats that I feel are inappropriate. Guys asking her out, she not saying no. Lots of flirting. Exchanges of photos in underwear that sort of thing. I fear the worst and confront her. She denies everything and apologizes. We move closer towards each other emotionally. Still wary of it all.
About a year ago, due to the sickness I am separated from the military. We move back home. Very stressful. Have to find a job, new house, childcare, cars all the craziness. I hate the new job, become angry and depressed again. Fall into the same pattern that she hates. She tries to reach out and say its affecting her. But I still don't listen.
A month ago. She withdraws, I think everything is OK. We seem to be getting along. We don't really have an argument I just walk away from a conversation we are having and she flips. Saying I never listen. I apologize. She goes out that night and spends 4 hours with a friend that has been divorced. The next day she says shes leaving. Says it all came into perspective when her friend said she finally felt free after leaving her husband.
Classic WAW situation in my opinion. The more I read the more I see what I did. No one I talk to has ever heard of any of this.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
After 8 years together and 1 kid, my W announced at the end of August 15' that she wanted space. I agreed that it would probably be good, we cried together but I thought It would help if I didn't disagree for once.
A week of light texting, saying I love you, sending old wedding photos. I thought she would be back. Then realization set in. I went to her, cried and told her I understood what I did. Said we didn't have to live together right now. But let me gain her trust back.
She said she didn't know if she could ,She said she wanted to be alone, find her true self, pursue goals she felt I repressed. That she was unhappy for a very long time and no longer in love with me, that we had no passion, and all she saw when she looks at me is pain. She said she thought was far ahead of me as far a developing and that I was too far behind for her to know if she wants to wait for me to be where she needs as a couple.
She had told me before of some of those things but I didn't really listen. We never really resolved anything. We fought often, and I wasn't changing fast enough, she grew hopeless that things would improve.
A day after BD, she moved out. Took all her stuff during the week. A week later she is saying she wants a legal separation and that she is moving into her own apt. Its moving so fast.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but sadly it's all too common. Your W sounds like a classic WAW but I wouldn't be totally shocked to find out there is an OM involved, especially given the history you described with pictures and men asking for dates.
Cadet should be along soon with a post with several links to a ton of good advice. That is your homework. Read every one. You can find the same links in almost anyone's first thread if you don't want to wait. This is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done.
For now, you need to realize and accept that your old M is over. You have been fired as a H and your W wants nothing to do with you. If you are going to have a R with her in the future it will be in a brand new M. Right now, you need to give her the space and time she is asking for. Do not pursuit her, do not buy her flowers, profess your love, write her poems, etc. None of that is going to do anything but push your W further away.
You need to try and detach from her, and focus on you. Do some serious thinking about your own role in the breakdown of your M and focus on fixing those things in you. That's all you can control is you. Your W needs to explore her own feelings and you need to let her. This is going to be a very long, difficult journey. It will be measured in months or years, not days or weeks. Sorry that you are here but follow the advice given and you will get through this and come out a better man in the end.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Is this a forum for saving the marriage or a subtle way to let us down easy?
It is about saving yourself, becoming the best person you can be, and saving your S. are there any guarantees or 100% M are saved? Nobody, no program, book or forum can give you that kind of guarantee.
Every person's situation is a little different from someone else. When reading another poster's thread, be careful in taking the advice he may get for his situation and think it is over all advice for every one, unless it's clarified.
While you wait on your book, read those links Cadet gave you. They are important to grasping a lot of what we talk about here.
One of those links is called, "Sandi's Rules". It is a guide to help newcomers get their bearings when they first arrive.
Be sure to read the detachment thread. Don't assume you know what it means.
Right this minute, stop all pursuing action! It only pushes her away. Stop being available to her. Stop initiating contact throughout the day. Pull back, but not with a cold or mad attitude. Know the difference in DBing detachment from cold/angry.
At this point, instead of trying to prove what a good MR you could have, maybe she needs a glimpse of how it would feel if she didn't have you in her life. No hanging out together, no contacting to chat, no being her BFF, no family togetherness, holiday events, etc. Here's where I'm going. Instead of trying to convince her to stay, you need to become the guy she doesn't want to lose. You can't be that guy if you are chasing her, right? As long as you pursue her, she knows she has you in her pocket.
I'm not saying to make her jealous, or anything like that. I am saying to find the man you would be if you didn't have her. Focus on inner strength. Be the best daddy you can be. Be the best man you can be. But don't try to win her back by showing her what a great H you can be......(at least, not at this particular tim). She really does need space, and a lot of it. So, give it to her. You do your own thing and leave her alone. Right now, she isn't worried about losing you. You are worried about losing her. How can that dynamic change? Not by you dating, or trying to purposely make her jealous, but by detaching and getting a life. You can learn more about GAL, what it is and what it isn't.
Give yourself a deep evaluation as a man, H, and daddy. See where you need to improve. Set some small goals to get there. Oh, and remember something, some things you'll read in some relationship books may not be something you can apply immediately, but you can take in the information to use latter when the time is right. Timing is everything!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you for replying. After talking to her in person again, I am more sure that there isn't another guy at this time. But I am trying to not have expectations just in case! No matter what is happening right now she is a good person. She does seem to be rushing to get out of the relationship and is using a lot of ''what if'' i meet someone else type arguments.
Mozza,
Read a few of the early posts from you, saw a lot of questioning and despair and thought that i may not have been where you where but I sort of related. I dunno. It has been a long week haha. My head is spinning.
Sandi,
Thank you. I realize that no one can guarantee that we will be saved. Just a lot of panic from me. I read your rules several times before i even posted and continue to read. The article on detachment was also very helpful for me. We were both very attached to each other. And she broke that over time, while I didnt realize i needed too until the BD. I feel like I have done ok at pulling back. Starting this week, I will no longer work out at her gym. Ive stopped texting her throughout the day. Ive stopped calling her unless i need to for our daughter. I am trying very hard to take a long look at myself and improve. But i feel like im doing it for her at the moment not me. Not sure when this will change.
However, and anyone can comment on this.. every time we speak she seems to be pulling further and further, regardless of space. We met at my request last night (and that may have been a mistake) but i was happy that she agreed... I tried not to have expectations. We talked about some silly things, laughed a little. but.. She basically said that she wants the BD, and soon. But wanted closure on us at that moment. I asked that she take her time. And that I felt she was rushing. She didn't seem to care. She told me that she was moving towards wanting a divorce. But that she still has feeling towards me, still loves me. (I can still see the freakin love in her eyes guys! its aweful, gives false hope i feel like) But that she cant be with me, and doesn't know if she ever will be able too. She says at the moment she sees no future with me. She just wants to be ''happy'' and hasnt been happy with me for a long time. She said being away from has made her happy. Sad about the pain and having to do this, but less stress, happy to focus on herself. I did not bring any of this up. Just listened. If she says she happy now after two weeks without me, do i have a chance in hell? haha. So did me meeting her cause this? If I had waited may it have been different?
And I get that this may be something I cannot control, but it [censored]. I read elsewhere that I should not cave in to her demands for ''separation'' or the D word. Does/would this apply? Does caving to her every demand put me at a disadvantage? Does it show her I am weak and in turn she loses more respect?
Should i request that we have a true separation for a while and then think about divorce. I feel we both need time at this point. But she is moving so fast I don't know what to do besides, go silent and work on myself.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
