First Post, She just Left, Very unsure

[bravo61]

She's firing you as her husband so you are offering to be her banker? In what world does that make sense. YOU CANNOT NICE OR BRIBE THEM BACK TO YOU!!!!!!

[Butterc]

havhope and LNLY,

So grateful for your posts. Thanks for sharing. Even as different my situation is, I can still totally relate to the roller coaster you describe.

I can only take it moment by moment, otherwise I've lost it.

[Shrike]

Thanks guys it is something I need to hear. I have a hard time gauging how tough I need to be on her, especially since she walked away for reasons other than an OM.

I keep thinking that if I am nice, supportive, loving, respectful, that she will see it and come back. But, while I may have failed at these things in one way or another when we where together, none of that involves putting myself and my daughter in a bad position by bending over backwards for her.

I need to get it through my head that she made her choice. Shes already gone. We're never going back to what we had. And as much as it hurts and however long it takes, the only way forward is to completely let go.

I keep going back to image of the LBS holding flowers and waiting for the WAS to come back, while the WAS is waving goodbye and driving off into the sunset.

I don't want to be the one waiting. ( Don't misunderstand, I have hope that one day me and her will see all the silly things we did to each other and have a good laugh, while we hold hands and walk down a beach somewhere. I am crazy in love with her. And that love may never go away. But I'm not willing to put my life on hold to wait for her to make up her mind.)


The tricky part for me is (I am I too early in the separation to be thinking these things!?):

A. I don't want to be ''friends'' I get nothing out of this. How and when do I break this to her in a way that is loving and respectful. I see bad reactions here. Or does it matter anymore? I will sort of answer myself and say, why should she care, shes leaving. But I see her not understanding why I want this. More of any opinions on this, as it is probably difficult to answer and completely up to me.

B: If I cut her off, (which I plan on doing) do I wait until the divorce. Because If I do it before hand can she use it against me in court?

Peace and love guys/gals Ill try to comment on some other posts. I Feel selfish staying on my own

[bravo61]

You don't tell her you show her. You stop entertaining her conversations or whatever else.

If you have to say something (& you probably will cause she'll ask why you are being mean by ignoring her) you can simply say "W, this is not what I wanted and moving forward you should know that I will treat you w/respect we are not friends." She'll press you & say she doesn't understand why(she's trying to eliminate her guilt with this) simply ask if she could be friends if position was reversed or friends don't treat each this way & then walk away & don't be drawn into a fight(what she desperately wants).

For B, that's why you need to consult an atty.
My two cents.

[sandi2]

Have you received your Divorce Remedy and read it? In reading some other threads, you may get confused about some of the terms you hear. The Last Resort Technique and Dropping the Rope and Going Dark, etc., may be confusing. Dropping the Rope is when you really do let go of her and move on with your life. Going Dark is when you fall off the planet and she never hears or seeing anything out of you (Which is nearly impossible if you co-parent a child).

Sandi, if you read this, I read your post on the WW, do you have or is there something similar for WAW(left for reasons other than A)?

Did you read all the threads? I think there are 4 or 5. The first link is in Cadet's homework.

Here's how I see it. If she does not have justifiable reasons to break up her family and inflict her little girl with the pain of having divorced parents, then I would consider her wayward. Waywardness is not based on being in an A, only. Even if you have not seen evidence of an A, her attitude and actions are shouting "wayward".

She has expressed her lack of respect for you as a man. She resents being married to you, and she is displaying rebellion instead of conforming to her marriage. Those three areas are the common denominator in WW's.

I keep thinking that if I am nice, supportive, loving, respectful, that she will see it and come back.

Seems like that would be the logic thing to do, doesn't it? However, you have a W who is anything except logical.

If she was wanting to save the M, then all those nice things might matter to her, IDK. I just know they don't matter to her now. That is what so many newcomers don't get. The WW is not interested; she doesn't care; and she doesn't want the nice H. She's done, through, kaput, and over it.

That's not to say things can't change some day, but I believe with most WW's, it doesn't happen quickly or easily.

All those things she spouted off to you about going out and spending money, etc, was b/c of four main reasons. 1) she wants to be in control of you; 2) she wants to make you feel guilty; 3) she is jealous; 4) she is testing your emotional attachment to her (we call it temperature check).

In nearly every thing she does or says to you, one of these 4 things will come into play with a WW.

You need to separate your bank accounts.

[Shrike]

Just writing down thoughts. Really bad day. Need to vent or write it down, get it out. No one to talk to.

I am heeding advice from here. At least externally. I appreciate all the feedback Ive gotten. It just feels so opposite of what everything inside of me is screaming to do. It feels wrong. It feels like my heart is telling me to go fight for her. That the longer I am away from her, the further she drifts away.

If I am honest with myself right now. I am so scared and so lonely. Why is she doing this? I feel like there is so many other options that could have been taken. Trying to find some way of explaining the situation. Like its completely out of control. Like shes in a dream that she cant wake up from and if I could just wake her up and show her that its OK. Why is it so hard to let go of someone when they've made it so clear that they are done. Why cant I believe shes done?

She doesn't see anything else. Only her happiness. Nothing else matters to her.

Shes so cold. So distant. She seems to have detached so easily. No texts about anything other than bills or stuff she wants from the house. Not contacting her seems to be having the effect of making it easier for her to leave.

Why is it so hard to believe she wants nothing from me anymore. How can I accept that concept. We had so much together.

hoping for the best. but drowning right now.

[Shrike]

Reading DR.
Reading detachment
reading LRT
reading reading reading
looking into lawyers as much as it kills me.
trying to find a wa

Trying to delve more into what I see as my issues

disrespect (the biggest factor in all of this I think)--- I did not respect her views, goals, opinions enough. Tried to be too much of a realist when she would talk about things like owning a gym or having a big beautiful house full of babies. ( i don't know why i did this. its like I was trying to prove to her that I was so smart or that I knew everything... it's ridiculous... childish)
talked down to her, did not treat her like my partner.

irritation--- she always had to walk on egg shells hoping I wouldn't get upset over this or that. leading to her never trying to do anything with me. and stopping communication (she figured I wouldn't want to or i didn't care enough to try)

communication--- i did not share how i truly felt about things often enough. and when i did it was mostly negative

negativity--- spiraled downwards into the awful hateful person that no one wants to be around

consistency--- was unreliable with money, time, emotions

commitment--- would start and stop projects, housework, things she asked me to change

neediness--- hyper emotional reactions to negativity from her regardless of her feelings.

Why did I do these things? Why couldn't I see the love she had for me. The things she did to try and help. Why was I so blind?? I acted like a little child.

I am glad I can see what I did and will never fall back into that way of thinking again. I just feel so stupid so evil almost. For taking her love and just completely turning it against me. I hate that she thinks she has to be alone to be happy. I hate that I put her and my daughter in this situation.

[JulieH]

Hi havhope

Funny, your issues are so familiar to me, even the dream questions (I would ask my husband what trip he would take if we won the lottery or what would be his dream restaurant to open if could and he had similar answers that you did )

I too have similar questions regarding the friend issue, and like you there is no proof of OP. I don't want to be just a friend. I want him to experience what divorce would truly be like. No cake eating. It's not fair! Plus I'm angry that he left and that he too played a role. Hard to have a friendship under these circumstances. Do we go dim? I don't feel comfortable being friendly. Polite yes, but friendly is challenging.

I had my 3rd session with a DB coach and guess what she told me? Be a friend.
Talk and act torward him as I would a friend. She told me to be more friendly and "act as if". She said good feelings are contagious. Positive energy is very powerful and that at the very least it's good for the kids to see us like this. She even said that I could give him an authentic compliment once in a while and that it would be ok to initiate a friendly call (different from pursuing or discussing relationship).

Now, as everyone knows, all of our situations are different and I am in no way advising you. I just wanted to let you know that this was what I was advised and yes to me this is counter intuitive.

[JulieH]

Sandi, do you have any insight as to why hav hope's wife would want to control him and make him feel guilty by complaining about him going out and spending money on something she does not see as valuable?

I am asking this because I too would get angry at husband when he would spend money on concerts or going out. I justified my anger by thinking , well he tells me he can't afford karate lessons for kids but can afford to spend it on himself..but I wonder if there is something more to it. What's behind the need to control.

Sorry for the hijacking, but perhaps this type of argument is universal amongst husband/wife relationships?

[Shrike]

Hi Julie, thank you so much for posting. every time i see a reply I get a little bit more upbeat about life haha

I am pretty down in the dumps the past few days.

still trying to read DR, im horrible.

I know im hard headed. i know i should be focusing on me. what i hope is that by kind of recording what i think on here, that one day i will see the switch in focus. until then. keep busting my balls about how i need to db.

the stuff i read from mwd or her videos is all so positive. i wish i had the option to do db coaching

she was upset that i went out and SPENT money. I don't think it would have been a big deal if there had not been money involved. i often did stupid little things with money like that before she left. and it always pissed her off. ive realized she may be a tad materialistic. always wanted the best of everything even if we didnt necessarily have the money for it. best blenders, tv, bed, toothpaste you name it haha. she was always worried about the money and i think she hated that i was so meh about it. my thoughts at the time was that there is always going to be bills or things we needed to buy, so why worry about it? save a dollar here or there and just keep on working, and one day we'd be where we wanted to be. I feel like she was in a rush to be in what she thought was a higher status. weird thing is when she left, she said she didn't care if she had to be poor as long as she was happy, because she would reach her goals and be someone someday soon. but she couldn't do it if she wasn't happy at home.


i want to be friendly, positive ''act as if'' but i don't know how to do that if i am not supposed to pursue her.

literally the only interaction i have with her is for about 2 minutes when she drops our daughter off on Sunday. what am i supposed to do in the situation??! I mean I smile, I say Hi! I dont really try to ask her how she is because that is pursuit I believe. But its such an awful situation. I feel like im so limited in the things I can do. And she doesnt open up at all, she just says hi, good to see you, how are you doing, bye. end of interaction. see you 7 days from now.

other than that how is she supposed to notice what I am doing? or become curious? she seems to be perfectly happy from what I can tell. she is going out with all the people from her work. still looks great. she was always the bubbly, bright person in the room. literally can make friends with anyone. could walk into a place and in 2 minutes know everyones name and lifestory. i was always in awe of how she did it. you had to actually try to not be her freind. so positive all the time. thats another hard thing for me. i just watch her from this distance, and she makes it all seem so easy.

We did talk on the phone for about hmm 60 seconds last night.. she told me our daughter was ok (she was sick at school) she said she was at one of our (or was mutual) friends houses for a surprise party. said her mom was watching Daughter. asked me if I was ok. then said a kind of strange thing. that she has a stomach ulcer... i didnt know how to react. besides being worried. told her i was really sorry and that she must feel pretty poopy. hoped she would go see the doctor. but she cant go see a doctor with out me setting it up because of the way health insurance works with the military after youre retired! once i said that she changed her mind and said she would probably just go to urgent care instead.

how to deal with mutual friends is another question. i feel like most of the people we know are gravitating towards her. i was so bummed out that i didnt get invited to that surprise party.

her mom has also been texting me almost every night. which is weird for me as well. i try to act non chalant... she keeps bringing up the R though. but i try to divert conversation. act happy!