My W has been pretty nasty throughout this whole process and tried to make me out as the villain as well.
I have tried to treat this like a business deal, but my heart is wrapped up in it too.
I think my D will be final in a couple months and I am still trying to save it. I feel like I am on Death Row awaiting My execution.
My therapist has told me to go dark, but my heart and mind still want to try logic. Unfortunately, my W keeps bringing up things from 18 years ago and practices All-Or-Nothing (black and white) thinking (reinforced by her parents), so I am not sure it will help. The ship is sinking. Shouldn't I try to find a way to save it?
My W has been pretty nasty throughout this whole process and tried to make me out as the villain as well.
I have tried to treat this like a business deal, but my heart is wrapped up in it too.
I think my D will be final in a couple months and I am still trying to save it. I feel like I am on Death Row awaiting My execution.
My therapist has told me to go dark, but my heart and mind still want to try logic. Unfortunately, my W keeps bringing up things from 18 years ago and practices All-Or-Nothing (black and white) thinking (reinforced by her parents), so I am not sure it will help. The ship is sinking. Shouldn't I try to find a way to save it?
My STBX has been doing the same thing and her parents and family member's are buying into it. Even some of our friends have bought into it. I hate it because they are just enabling her to keep this going. It hurts that I have small children in the middle of all this.
I'm just trying to keep my chin up and remember that I am know who I am and eventually the truth will prevail.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Are you still trying to save it? Is there any chance of reconcilliation?
My W quit MC after 2 months even though she committed to 6 months, as per the request of the MC. She doesn't understand that it doesntvhapoen overnight. I think She thinks the concept is like forcing two positive sides of a magnet together.
My ex never expressed how she felt. In fact she lied often or kept info from me. She is a loner and has very few friends.
My W did the same thing. She always had secrets (hiding money, private mailboxes, bank accounts, credit cards,). My W is a pathological liar. She lies even when she doesn't need to. It is common for a Passive-Aggressive. PAs do not express their feelingd often. They keep it bottled up and then just explode.
My W did not tell me anything was bothering her. I think She was waiting for an argument. When the last one happened, she said (angrily) "this marriage is over"
The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.
The problem with this as in the case with my W, is if there is misplaced anger as you pointed out and repressed memories due dissociation, those people may never realize the root of it.
Also, when a person like my W is afraid to disappoint his/her parents, there may never come a time when they have the guts to do this.
There's an interesting read about this called ...that I am sure has been passed around DB at some point. It talks about how children emulate their parents, so if the parents are negative people, the child copies that behavior, as he/she is seeking their approval. What happens is, the parents react negatively to the child's behavior and it becomes a viscous cycle. At least that is what I remember of it. I couldn't find a hyperlink for it, but it is the first thing that comes up in a Google search.
Last edited by Cristy; 09/18/1508:01 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other articles/authors
Clay, Eventually some of them will talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhoods. Again, it's up to that person to do this. If they don't, well...it may churn and churn within them for many years to come and they are lost souls. Some of them may seek professional help at some point and again, some don't...but as the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink". If they seek professional help, they may begin to see why they feel the way they do and how their childhoods have affected them. But, again, as I pointed out, they have to be the ones that want help.
We can sit here all day and try to come up w/personality disorders, etc., that may fit our spouses, but the bottom line is this...only a professional who interacts w/them on a routine basis can actually diagnose what's truly going on w/them.
For now, keep the focus on you and allow God to work on your wife. The more you focus on her, the less you are focusing on you and your life. There's absolutely nothing you can do for her, but pray that she finds inner peace.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
bttrfly, When it comes to mediation and/or divorce, you can still be compassionate, but you also need to be firm. Your marriage was alike a business contract and it has been broken. You need to stand firm and fight for what is right for you. If you want your child to stay in the school where he is at, then you need to be firm when stipulating this during mediation.
As for your h not speaking to his father since 1995. My first question is...what happened between the two of them? You can't push him to speak to his father...this is something he will need to do for himself, if ever. As for the therapist, your h could very well not be telling him the full truth. Are you sure he's still in therapy after all of this time?
Yes, all you can do is pray for him. You can be compassionate and civil, but that doesn't mean you roll over and give him everything that he wants. Set your boundaries and fight for what you want for you and your son. If you don't stand firm for your son, his father won't.
Good luck w/your mediation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I want to still be in it, I really do. I am just losing hope. There has been so much damage caused by the lies that WW has told. I feel uncomfortable even going to my children's school at times. Since the kids are with her most of the time, our friends spend more her because their kids want to play.
WW takes things and either embellishes the truth or completely fabricates parts of the story. It is really hard because WW is really respected in our community because of her profession. People just believe her because they know she has been a good person.
Strange thing is that WW does not have friends from her childhood, not even high school or college. I think she changed when she met me and is now falling back into her old ways. It just scares me because the more she lies I feel like the less likely she will be to change her ways. I think she is more likely to double down. I am guessing that one day she will eventually have a melt down psychotic break.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
WhyUs, If you want to continue to have hope, there's no shame in that, but you need to let her go and you need to live your life as if she is never coming back.
As for the lies, well, if you know they are lies, then please do not allow them to deter you from going to your children's school when needed. There will be people who will believe her and then there will be others that will sit back and watch how things play out and come to realize what is going on. Right now, your w is wearing a mask and playing the victim. Eventually, that mask will crack, lose it's shape and begin to slip. They can't wear it forever because it takes a lot of time and energy to put on that happy face and act a little bit normal in profession. Trust me, it will slip in time.
As she progresses in her crisis, the mirror image will come into play, i.e, the exact opposite of the good wife that you knew and loved will be replaced completely w/the self absorbed, selfish teenager that needs to go back and revisit her youth where she was emotionally stunted. She will need to do this in order to grow up and it takes a lot of time for her to do so.
While she's out there playing the cheerleader all over again, you need to find things to do for yourself. Make a list of the things that you've always wanted to and start whittling that list down. Plans things w/your children, exercise, get out there and join a gym. You have been given the gift of time to rediscover the man you once were.
Will she return to the marriage? No one knows...but if she doesn't, you will be further along the path and will have faced the pain and worked through it to be a far better man and who knows....some day, down that road, you may meet someone who will cherish you for the man that you are. Will it be your wife? It may or may not be...but the bottom line is this, if that time should ever come and she wants to reconcile, you will be the one to determine if you want to try again w/her.
For now, live your life to the fullest. Life is far too short to allow this one to steal another minute of your time. Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
