I know how hard this is. Everyday will feel different and it is impossible to trust your feelings as they are all over the place. Try posting everyday. Even if no one responses, it is great to look back on as a journal.
It is great that you can look at your wife's positive qualities but please do not compare yourself to how she is handling this. Remember, she has had more time to come to this decision and to justify his decision. This is new to you. You guys are different people, sure she is outgoing and warm to others but you seem very introspective and capable of deep reflection. Something that will be so advantageous to your future. You will be able to look back and know you did everything in your power to provide your daughter with a stable family.
All you can do at this point is give your wife space, treat her with respect, and not react wheN she inevitably pushes your buttons. (Great way to practice validating is on 5 year olds during their melt downs ).
I see you recognize a lot of characteristics that you are unhappy with but how are you going to make your 180s? What specific plans of action do you have to be a positive force and build a life of meaning for you and your daughter? Are there projects that need finishing? Perhaps a college fund for your daughter you can start? (I only suggest this because my husband has a difficult time saving and if he did this is would truly demonstrate selflessness and responsibility). What could you do that would make you feel good about your role in life and who you are? There is more to life then being invited to parties. Throw your own party! Any charities or volunteer opportunities? Meetup groups? I know this is easy to say, especially when depression takes over early on. But I know you will get through this resiliently. Have patience, cause time is on your side and the only way to get come out on top is by doing the right thing.
Last edited by JulieH; 09/21/1502:48 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie again thank you! I cant express the gratitude enough haha.
I will list what I am doing for 180's soon
my wife just got really sick with stomach ulcers and asked if i could help her with setting up an appt with a doctor. i did find a doctor... was this a bad idea to help her? it was something i would not have done while she was with me. i had told her multiple times she needed to find a doctor herself... so i did the opposite and helped... but worried i let her use me.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Respect-- putting others before myself. being open to the fact that I am wrong(often) supporting their decisions, goals, dreams. encouraging good/positive actions/words in others. respecting myself as well. voicing what I believe in. standing up for what I think is right. treating my body/mind/soul
Irritability-- when I find myself falling into the ''mood'' whether its something I am doing or something that is happening during an interaction or conversation, I will stop what I am doing take a deep breath and count to 10. If I am getting angry, I will count to 100, ask if it worth my anger and move on.
communication--- LISTENING to others. looking at them when they talk. making eye contact. responding to them. VALIDATING what they say. and being more open about how I feel, not letting fear determine what i say or do.
negativity--- adopting positive outlook on life, reading several books. what i think will happen will become my world. if i think negative i see negative results... applying the opposite to all things.
consistency--- paying bills on time, not buying uneccesary items. doing house work (laundry, dishes, etc..) regulating emotions, taking time to react or act on things/situations
commitment--- going to finish working on my truck. i have already fixed several issues with it in the past couple weeks. going to START school
neediness-- I am applying the rules of detachment to help build a healthy relationship with not only my wife but everyone I meet.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
I definatly think it's the right thing to help your wife when she is sick. Personally I would even follow up by asking if she is feeling better or if she needs anything else. She is the mother of your child and her health is crucial. Plus if a sick neighbor reached out you would help them right?
I like your 180 on negativity..,.something I struggle with as well
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Yeah I mean I want to help her. But at the same time I found out she DOES have health care through her work but just never applied for it. So half of me wanted to tell her to go figure it out herself.
I think I'm going to read that nice guy book soon.
She very detached right now. Every conversation we have had she sneaks something in. She asked me if she should change her name back. Or put single on social media. Or talks about when she's going to move into her new place. Asked me if I was going to still be committed to her if she starts dating other men. Told me she doesn't think I can do it because I "have needs".
I don't know this woman. The more time I spend away the less I feel like she is who I believed her to be. I never thought she'd be able to do what she is doing. I remember we once made a pinky promise that'd we'd never be like our parents Hahahaha.
How do I set boundaries without burning all the bridges. Or do I want her to have to swim back?
On the flip side the pain has been way less intense. Signed up me and the little girl for judo classes. I'm going to go rock climbing this weekend. And I may have found a new place to live
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
It sounds like she is trying to talk to you like a friend, but in a really delusional and insensitive way that is very inappropriate. This is not acceptable, but you can't show her it hurts you so you have to remain polite and not allow it to escalate into an argument. When she hurts you say something like "you know, I don't even know what to say". If she fights with you, validate, remain calm and detached. I know easier said then done.
BTW, I only thought you should assist her in the case of a health issue or medical emergency. I don't necessarily think being a nice guy will help.
As long as you are physically separated what type of boundaries do you feel you need to set? Just doing nothing right now other then things for yourself is your best bet. And however tempting and consuming it might be, do not ask about OM and do not pursue. This will get easier as time goes on, and the thoughts of what she is doing will diminish.m
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I have no choice but to be in contact with her when she picks up our daughter. Every time I see her she keeps dumping on me. about how she's so stressed out. How it's making her sick, how scared she is.
How her job is in jeopardy. I workout at her old place and her old boss is trying to get her fired to cover his ass and he is trying to use our split to fuel this. I don't know what to do.
She's asked for so much with the split. She wants me to pay for her car. All our daughters daycare. Help her with credit cards and still pay spousal support. She's taking pretty much everything from the house. I don't really want to fight her on any of this. As this is what old me would have done.
I'm so conflicted with wanting to help her out and just wanting to cut all the bullshit and let her deal with her own problems.
She pretty much said straight out she is talking to other guys already. This kills me. I dont know what I expected. I wish I could stop loving her right now.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
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