I agree with you. Unfortunately the therapist she is seeing now doesn't see these traits in her. We saw her together about 7 years ago and she disagreed with me about my W's traits, but two other clinicians have suggested BPD.
We were seeing a well-known therapist last year after the split, but my W stopped going. She said the T she is seeing now understands her better. The one we were seeing before specializes in treating BPs and PAs, but she called my W out a couple times because W lied to her. W disagreed with her and the T said " I am very good at taking notes during each session and I have written down what you said." I think that made W uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, people with childhood issues like that don't stick with one T for very long for that reason. They need someone to massage their egos and tell them what they want to year.
I am hoping the one she is seeing eventually helps her figure it out, but I am not confident she will. I think what my W is doing is mean and selfish, but I have to remind myself that she didn't do this to herself. I do love her unconditionally.
I just spoke with my attorney a little while ago and she said after o sign the judgement next week, it will be entered by the court and will be final in about 10 days from that. I am at work right now. I am a supervisor at a new job and I can hardly hold myself up, but I have to fake it. Right now I am in an office with nobody around and cannot hold back the tears.
Clay, I'm very sorry, but you will get thru this. Cry, shout, beat something up, but you need to work thru this pain. I know it doesn't look good right now, but things will get better in time.
Are you aware that there is something called the "Chameleon Effect" that is part of the BPD? If you aren't, you may want to check it out.
Again, I'm very sorry about what you've learned today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Clay, I have no advise, but your posts are very touching. I am truly sorry you find yourself here. You know, it seems the man upstairs tests us in hopes to make us stronger. You seem like a caring person, I hope you find some peace.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I only wish I understood earlier about depression and PDs. I don't know if I would have had more patience because I am not a patient person, but it might have made things a little easier. I always thought people who were depressed like she should just grow up and "snap out of it". I feel so bad now for my ignorance in thinking that way. She was already damaged when I met her and the way I responded to her crazy-making just made it worse. The angry outbursts and tantrums are hard to ignore though.
I am finding out now that I most likely have ADHD. I have thought that for years, but didn't know that it is much much more than just lack of attention. I am trying to get the VA to dx me, but the pdoc told me they don't really treat that. I have been on Buproprion for 5 wks (currently on 400mg) and it has done absolutely nothing. I am also going to look into DBT, as my T said it might help me.
thx Rick. Yes, I can do that split and treat it as a business deal most of the time. It's just very hard, especially knowing that what is motivating this for him is fear and pain. I wish I could do something, anything... I love him. I would carry this burden for him if I could. I think part of the issue here that's causing him such fear is that we've always been together - he's never really been on his own since he was 21 or 22, and judging from some of the things he's said during mediation, he's afraid of that. I've always been the one with the better business sense. It makes me so sad.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
thanks Mleigh. I don't know that I feel like a villain so much as I'm not sure how standing firm wouldn't further alienate. Regardless, I must take care of myself and our son. One shouldn't rely on the weakest link for support.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
ok, to try to sum up the betrayals of a lifetime in a few short sentences will be hard. I guess first my FIL was a very emotionally abusive man who was always jealous of my husband, even when husband was a baby. post his parents divorce, my FIL hooked up w/ and impregnated another woman who was fresh from a miserable marriage. He then ignored my husband and his sibling in favor of Wife #2's many kids by her first marriage, and went on to have two more kids with wife #2. I have witnessed some pretty hurtful behavior over the years. Both MIL and FIL took our wedding as an oppty to re-open their divorce and their issues, with Step-MIL also adding to the BS. Finally my husband said, "enough!" It's not my place to say anything, but I do agree with my MIL that H would probably get some relief if he told his father how hurtful his behavior has been all these years. I don't think the cutting off is bad in this case but whenever you cut off there's a price to pay. We're all paying that price now.
I think he is lying to his therapist (whom he sees about once a month) because the therapist had been our marriage counselor 10 years ago when my husband was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism. my husband starting seeing the therapist again for individual counseling about 4 years ago when he went into a depression precipitated by a work event that should have made him very happy - sale of company - but instead made him go into a deep depression. According to H, he's been telling the therapist how miserable he is with me for YEARS (his therapy had nothing to do with work), and whenever the therapist would suggest I come in, H would immediately veto it. He never told me therapist suggested my presence until he'd dropped the bomb and moved out. Makes me feel like he never wanted our marriage to succeed and like there's no point in trying to save it.
Last edited by bttrfly; 09/19/1512:48 AM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
