panic is setting in I'm having trouble looking at my kids and my patience with them is so thin right now. they're not getting ready. If we don't leave in 2 min, we'll be late I can't do this all by myself
I should have put all of my feelings into the kiss. I should've kissed him sooner. Tried to initiate physical contact. Tried to make love. I need to go back and do it again. I want him to come back. I don't want to want him to come back. I want him to never come back ever again. Never feel this hurt again. Never hear about how he loves this OW with a feeling he's never felt before.
Oh God please ....
this just hurts so much
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
panic is setting in I'm having trouble looking at my kids and my patience with them is so thin right now. they're not getting ready. If we don't leave in 2 min, we'll be late I can't do this all by myself
I should have put all of my feelings into the kiss. I should've kissed him sooner. Tried to initiate physical contact. Tried to make love. I need to go back and do it again. I want him to come back. I don't want to want him to come back. I want him to never come back ever again. Never feel this hurt again. Never hear about how he loves this OW with a feeling he's never felt before.
Oh God please ....
this just hurts so much
Lost -
Don't worry about whatever happened last night with H. You acted like a human, a wife, and a mother. You are strong enough to do this. And you can withstand the pain you're feeling now.
I'm sorry that he couldn't reciprocate your feelings. There's nothing that hurts more than baring your souland seeing your feelings just left hanging there with no validation or reciprocation. That's why we try not to expeess those feelings; it only leaves us hurt and angry and upset. But I can understand why you did it and I can't guarantee I wouldn't do the same thing, even now.
Here's what you need to take away from it though. You could have given him the best kiss of his life or given him the best sex of his life and it wouldn't have mattered any. Maybe you would have felt better, maybe worse.
But here we are now. What are you going to do today? What do you hope to do tomorrow? What do you plan to do for next week?
Hey Lost...know the exact feeling. Your feelings are so pure, so powerful, so deep...it feels like the universe is telling you this was meant to be.
What I've learned from all of this is that feelings are not true. Feelings are real. Feelings feel good or bad. But strong feelings don't necessarily mean something is good or bad.
Now- before I tell you my thoughts on the interaction let me tell you this- you didn't 'mess anything up'. Using my own timelines I can tell you that I didn't even BEGIN DBing until 90 days in, or at least the first 90 days I was still holding on with a closed fist. So don't worry that you can't change your feelings like a switch.
But I disagree with mutatio about there being 'no wrong' since this was sincere. Where does DB say that acting on sincere feelings is ok? The problem is that, while genuine, you are acting on strictly your own feelings. "We MUST be together" (because I want us to be, because it makes me feel good when we're together, because I am scared to be on my own, me me me). And because this is what I want I am going to ask God to be on my side and change your heart around so that you don't need what you need and can fall in line with how I need you to be for me to get what I want.
Totally invalidating.
Where in there are his needs? His hurts? The pain that drove him to the point he felt this was his only way to remain a man? This type of speech probably made him think "more of the same, always about her, always about how I'm not doing it right, does she ever think about how if she had done A/B/C differently we wouldn't be here?, but no, it's all on me, and now she's trying to use whatever attachment we have together and God to try to control me more, I still feel for her but if I live under her thumb anymore I'll be destroyed completely, I need to be free to be my own man and be around people that let me be who I am"...
I'm not judging you in any way. As I said, you're very, very, very, very, very early in your sitch. Becoming a new person isn't easy. Demanding it to happen now would be like getting angry at a 6 year old for not becoming an adult tomorrow. This will take lots of time. So the best thing to do is get moving on the road there, and to learn to find some joy in the journey. It's ok if you become Lost along the way...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Lost, you did the best you could. Goodbyes are rough. Now forgive yourself. I don't think I would have done any better, probably would have been much worse.
Today, focus on your breathing. Nice deep calming breaths. Smile at yourself in the mirror. That's plenty.
Hey Lost...know the exact feeling. Your feelings are so pure, so powerful, so deep...it feels like the universe is telling you this was meant to be.
What I've learned from all of this is that feelings are not true. Feelings are real. Feelings feel good or bad. But strong feelings don't necessarily mean something is good or bad.
Now- before I tell you my thoughts on the interaction let me tell you this- you didn't 'mess anything up'. Using my own timelines I can tell you that I didn't even BEGIN DBing until 90 days in, or at least the first 90 days I was still holding on with a closed fist. So don't worry that you can't change your feelings like a switch.
But I disagree with mutatio about there being 'no wrong' since this was sincere. Where does DB say that acting on sincere feelings is ok? The problem is that, while genuine, you are acting on strictly your own feelings. "We MUST be together" (because I want us to be, because it makes me feel good when we're together, because I am scared to be on my own, me me me). And because this is what I want I am going to ask God to be on my side and change your heart around so that you don't need what you need and can fall in line with how I need you to be for me to get what I want.
Totally invalidating.
Where in there are his needs? His hurts? The pain that drove him to the point he felt this was his only way to remain a man? This type of speech probably made him think "more of the same, always about her, always about how I'm not doing it right, does she ever think about how if she had done A/B/C differently we wouldn't be here?, but no, it's all on me, and now she's trying to use whatever attachment we have together and God to try to control me more, I still feel for her but if I live under her thumb anymore I'll be destroyed completely, I need to be free to be my own man and be around people that let me be who I am"...
Oh Zues! Is that how it sounded? The words about character and choosing to trust him came from a DB coach. But that was from my one session a few weeks ago. It was what she suggested I say to him when we said good-bye. Actually, she suggested saying something to the effect of I was "choosing to trust he would do the right thing." I thought that might have been putting too much pressure, guilt, control on him so I tried to change it. H had said to me very early on that he couldn't see how I would ever believe him/trust him anymore in future calls/contact from other country. I was trying to approach it in that spirit but I think I might have misjudged the moment and your interpretation is probably identical to his as a man.
Obviously another way I pushed him and hurt him and drove him to leave.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Well, DB coaches know best. They have much more experience and know the full dynamic of your sitch.
One thing I left out of my last post is that I do wish you goodwill, support, and peace today. I know how it feels, and I'm sorry you're there.
The positive is the same as the negative- there is no one thing you can do that will make or break anything. That's positive when you feel you've made misteps (not that you did necessarily), negative in the sense that you can't do any one thing to 'win him back'.
Only when you let go of 'getting your H back' as the measuring stick of how you are doing in life can you be truly free. And only when you become the person that you want to be can you not fret about your actions, because they will flow out of you. Like Pirsig said- painting a perfect picture is easy...just make yourself perfect then paint naturally. So too, just become your best self and your beliefs, values, and all of that will flow out of you.
Thanks for explaining the why's behind what you did. Again, if you did your best to follow DB coaches advice then you should sleep well at night.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wasn't able to sleep at all before shift. Called out. I'm a wreck physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
I don't think I can take care of anyone, not even my kids, let alone sick critical care patients.
Any advice on how to get thru the night?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Get busy...write out personal goals for yourself, watch a movie, drink a glass of wine. Positive focus...on really bad nights, I take Benadryl...get 2-3 hours sleep with that. Nights are so awful!
H never called to let us know he arrived safely. Another broken promise. What an a**hole. MLC or just WAS, idk, but he sure only has room in his pea brain for himself and OW and sometimes the kids.
He is so selfish.
Any advice on how to find a good L?
Besides my trust issues and lack of personal experience with L's I witnessed my sister go thru a divorce, 2 lawyers, they both stunk and she got screwed. Needless to say, I'm leery.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
