And just to be clear, since it is a little confusing, that all happened a few months ago before she moved out. Still have not had contact with her in several weeks now.
Okay then, that makes even more sense. To me, that is. Thanks for the clarification.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I saw a post on another thread mentioning that you should really dig deep and look at what happened in your marriage. How did I contribute to the failure, how did she? I really do want to understand what happened because I do want to be the perfect husband in the future either with my wife or someone else.
So I came up with many thoughts about how I contributed and many thoughts about how she contributed, how could this have been avoided given the hindsight I now have? I then started focusing on what she said the BD day. Her reasons were ‘lack of chemistry’, ‘feel like roommates and, basically, trouble in the bedroom. But these were just words so I wanted to go back and really understand what had happened. I started reliving parts of our relationship in my mind (probably with a different viewpoint now). Basically, what I think now is that she was never actually in love with me. I believe that, I really do. We have a natural tendency to be together because of our history, interests and comfort-ability. But I do not think she was in love with me.
This made me incredibly sad. First, I felt like the past 6 years has been a complete sham and the 16 year on/off cycle was just a waste of time, I was just too blind to see it, everyone else saw it. Secondly, after thinking about this, I do not see any way that we will be together again. I know my marriage is over but I do hold out hope for a new, fantastic marriage with my wife. I thought the bones and potential were there to have something special. Now, I doubt it.
I wish we weren’t married so this could be over. When I say over, I mean in the sense that I can just completely let her go. Knowing that I am at some point going to have to talk and see her again just to end things is holding me back.
Going dark is wearing on me a bit. Not because I want to contact her (I already know the result of that), but I get frustrated that she has not tried to contact me. I get nothing. Over the past week I have thought about just filing to get this over with but am still trying to be patient. It is hard having no idea what she is thinking.
My wife and I have still have some things that are not completely separate. Things like netflix and sirius XM, the netflix is under her name, sirius XM under mine. I like netflix so I still watch it. Anyway, I noticed last night that House of Cards was in the 'continue watching' section. It was on season 2, episode 1. Today, it was on season 2 episode 5. So what right? This means 4 episodes were watched last night, that's four hours. My wife and I used to binge watch shows together (Dexter, breaking bad, mad men etc). This confirms a OM in my mind because there is no possible way she sat there on a Friday night by herself and watched 4 hours of TV. It bothers me a bit that she found someone else to step in and do something that we had enjoyed doing together.
Do ya'll think I should just continue on with going dark and let things play out? I am not sure what the alternative is. I guess ending things 100% is the alternative.
Hi Pinn, that sounds like a big leap - she watched four hours of TV straight, so there must be an OM! Best not to mindread into situations like that my friend.
Now then, in terms of your frustration about NC. Probably the best plan is to give her the gift of time and space right now. What GAL do you have in progress to occupy your mind and your time? GAL is great to help shift your focus away from stuff that you posted above.
Hope you have a good weekend.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto.... it's not just the 4 hours of TV... it is everything else + that. Knowing her, I do not think it is a big leap honestly. But I do agree mind reading is a b and does no good... but it is hard not to sometimes!
I am a very busy guy so my mind is usually focused else where. Gym, school, hockey, running (never mind work) takes most of my focus. It is just late at night and early morning when my mind wanders to her, especially lately. I was doing good I think, but have taken a step back the past week or so. It is always something little that sets me back, like those 4 hours of a show being watched. Crazy right?
Nothing really new in my situation. Still going strong with no contact, it's around 2 months now.
I did get one small, tid bit today. My wife was close with my sister in law and my sis. Actually, we had a nice tight group of friends. The majority of which came from me so she might be lonely, I don't know. But anyway, I was texting with my SIL today about a halloween party when she says this:
SIL: Have you heard from Pinette recently? Me: Naw... Haven't talked to her in any way in several weeks, maybe months now... not sure SIL: Ah... she has been texting me and your sis recently. I was just wondering what her game plan is here. Me: Ahhh... well don't tell me about it if she texts you... I like where I'm at
So just something I found interesting. It's really the only news of any kind i've had in a while. I can see her maybe texting my SIL once in a while but it is weird she would be texting my sis. I don't want her to tell me about it (good or bad) because I know how easy I can get triggered.
not to get your hopes up, but they do reconnect to others first and their spouse last, you do know that, right?
I am not saying that that is going on, but it could. Keep the hope alive, but expectations low, actually, have no expectations at all. Live your life, find your own happiness, live as if she is not coming back.
Thanks Vapo. No expectations is the name of the game. If there is one thing I have learned over the years its that. Just found it interesting, we'll see if it goes anywhere. But in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on.
Definitely have no expectations. Not saying this is the case with your W at all, but my WW recently reconnected with her sisters, after months of almost no contact. I found out it was because they finally agreed to meet the OM she has been living with. As you can imagine, I was less than thrilled to get that news. In your case, with no solid proof of OM, it could mean anything. Just wanted to let you know not to read too much into your W getting in touch with people; it's impossible to know the motivation. Stay strong - seems like you're doing well overall.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
good point DWH. I actually tend to spin things negatively in these types of situations so I already came up with a few reasons why she might be contacting them which are not good.
The SIL I am referring to above is my brothers wife not my wife's sister. My wife never lost touch with her family. The fact she contacted her and my sister is odd. I didn't ask about what and I really do not even want to know.
I am just going to remove this from my mind I think.
