Figuring out boundaries without being controlling is key!
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Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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The first time my then-wayward wife stayed out with "a group of friends" (and it was with a group, but OM was part of the group) she said she "wouldn't be home late," and texted me as I remember about 10:30 that night that she'd be out a little later, and ended up coming home at 11:15 or something.
The second time, she also said she wouldn't be home late, and came home past midnight. I then told her (and this was after I had exposed her affair, so she knew I knew) that "this isn't a hotel, if you're going to be out past midnight don't bother coming home. It's disrespectful to me, and disruptive to the kids to have you coming home that late."
The third time, it was 2am and I had shut all of the house lights off -- inside and out -- and armed the home security system. She got the message, and never did it again.
It's been a few weeks since I posted. I have come to the realization that my marriage is over. I tried giving her space, but she continued to abuse it. She would go out every other night and stay out sometimes until 1, 2, or 3am. After a week or two of this, I asked her how she was doing and she said "she wanted to keep things the way they were". I felt like this was totally unfair and she was abusing the space. I know she is seeing the OM and then coming home to a roof over her head, and food on the table. We officially started down the path of divorce. I have a retainer on a lawyer and so does she. She is actually filing papers today. I honestly wanted to work on addressing what caused our marriage to deteriorate, but she never once hinted that's what she wanted. I am hurt that it has come to this, but I don't see any other way for it to continue or even be rebuilt now. The amount of lies, selfishness, and lack of respect have destroyed what we once had. I kept trying to find the woman I married inside this new person and did everything I could to get her to see the light. I wish things could have been different and she "woke up" (cut off ties with the OM). She was the woman I loved and I may never truly know what got her to the point of no return.
I think my biggest challenges are going to be moving on without her and trusting any other woman again. In our 5 years of marriage, I never saw any signs of this and truly trusted her 100%.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
We are officially beginning down the path of divorce. I am extremely hurt by how she has treated our marriage through these last 8 weeks. I know she is acting on emotion and honestly don't know if the marriage could ever be saved. I strongly believe she is still seeing the OM, but have no ways to confirm this.
Part of me still wants to work on the marriage and save what we once had. But part of me wonders if I should fight after every lie.
Regardless of everything I still have love for her and struggle with letting go. I want her back, but now the details of the divorce will start clouding all of our conversations and I will loose opportunity to be that man she once loved.
We spend very, very little time together now and usually one of us goes out if the other one is home. We have 2 children (S6 & S5) and I have been trying to get us to do a little more as a family for the sake of the kids. For example, next week we are taking them to a corn maze and pumpkin picking.
Has anyone else been through this specific situation and had success with navigating through it? I still pray there is hope, but not sure how to handle next steps.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
I need some help navigating my current situation with my W. I have been reading... and finally understand some of what drove my wife away.
I want to set some boundaries and get my integrity back, but I am struggling with how to do that now. My wife and I are just starting the divorce process and I don't want to quit yet. However, she is going out every other night until around 1am or 2am. I am sure she is seeing the OM and I want to set some reasonable boundaries to avoid the disrespect she is showing.
Throughout our entire M I have always been the nice guy and consistently gave into what she wanted. I was always the "yes man" and want my confidence and self respect back. I know this is an important part of the process in potentially having your W start to develop feelings for you again.
How do I set boundaries when I really have no ground left to stand on? We have 2 children and need help navigating this part.
Last edited by Cristy; 11/10/1509:58 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books or authors
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
Starsky always had something good to say on late night returns. He hasn't posted all that recently - but his advice was to batten down the house for the night at a certain time. He locked everything up and set the security system, then went off to bed. I think he (prior to that) had a convo with his W about how disrespectful the late nights were to him and also to the family.
I know he said the measures did stop the late arrivals home. I don't think he actually locked her out, but there was a clear message that the house was all closed up for the night and she had to 'open it all up' in order to get back in.
I'm hoping that he, or someone who can recall better than me may stop by and clarify further.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Unfortunately I don't have a security system so I struggle with how I can lock down the house. It is disrespectful what she is doing and need her to understand I won't tolerate it.
Just not sure how to convey that and enforce it.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
