I haven't signed the papers for final judgement to return to my attorney. I am stalling and I know this is going to make W angry, but I am trying to figure out a way to talk to her one more time before it is entered into judgement to ask if she will consider MC. Let us become friends again, work on ourselves and then see if we can make it work. I know I cannot control her and I am not trying to do that. I am just trying to prevent something that is irreversible and that she may regret.
I am pretty sure she will say "no" because she has been saying that through her atty for several months. She says "we don't belong together. We are too different." She brings up things from 18 years ago and says "That should have been a clue to me not to marry you."
I think subconsciously (or maybe even consciously)her main motivation is pleasing her parents, as I am quite sure they encouraged the divorce.
The kids are already acting differently, but she doesn't think it has effected them that much. She said "the kids wanted this to happen". They have told me otherwise, but W says they are just telling me that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. D2 said "I hope you can be friends"
When I was in Afghanistan 5 years ago, she was the best friend I ever had. She would e-mail me regularly, send me sexy notes and pictures and tell me all the things she wanted to do to and with me upon my return and gave me the best support I could ask for. The conditions over there didn't matter to me because I always thought of her and the things she would write to me. She would go to the store and get whatever I asked for and rush to the post office with it. It was amazing. I was looking through the e-mails last night and I am wondering where that person is. I cannot get her to see through the fog to those times. I know that it is all-or-nothing thinking, but I am too stubborn to give up.
I started to write her a letter last night.
Here is part of what I said:
"I wanted to take this time to write to you one last time before the transition in our status as a couple. I know we will be communicating over the next few years, but not like we have in the past. So I hope you will read and listen to what I have to say"
I apologized to her for some of the things I had said in the past that may have hurt her and some of the times even when I had a reason to be upset, I overreacted. I told her that although I am not 100% responsible for everything, I would admit my faults and take responsibility for those.
"I am sorry you want to end our marriage and our friendship. I had wished you would reconsider and give it some time with you being on your own before making this decision. I feel like I am losing my best friend and it hurts."
"I will sign the papers and return them to my attorney this week"
"Before I close, I want to take this time to thank you for all you did for me and the support you gave me over the years and that I will never forget (this is what makes it hurt)."
Then I made a list of all the things I remember she had done for me over the years. I want to remember the good times.
I just don't know if I should make one more attempt or let the D go through and hope for another chance after the dust settles or make one more attempt at this.
Any advice from the forum? (I am going to duck my head and wait for the replies)
I do not think u should send that letter. Telling her all those things is a waste of time. She will not be open to it right now. There is a last resort letter that people do write but it is not like your letter.
You will not be able to sppeal to her emotions by right now. From my understanding the letter should validate how she feels. You should let her know u do not agree with the divorce. Then tell her you will respect her decision to go because you care for her.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I do not think u should send that letter. Telling her all those things is a waste of time. She will not be open to it right now.
Thanks WhyUS,
That is the answer I expected. The truth is, I AM desperate.
Quote:
You will not be able to appeal to her emotions by right now. From my understanding the letter should validate how she feels. You should let her know u do not agree with the divorce.
Doesn't telling her I don't agree with the divorce invalidate her?
Quote:
Then tell her you will respect her decision to go because you care for her.
This would not come across as saying "I Love you", right? I do, but I have read to stop saying that.
She told me a few weeks ago that she didn't ever want to be i a committed relationship. That doesn't mean she will sleep around. It just means she cannot handle being in a relationship where a lifestyle is shared.
Clay, The LRT is something that we do not encourage unless you are absolutely sure you are done. If you are planning to use this as a means of trying to wake her up, it won't work. Please keep in mind, that no matter what you say or do, she will look at it as controlling and being manipulative, also, she will look at it as trying to make her feel guilty. What will she do? She'll be even more determined to go thru with a divorce.
If you write the letter, do so, but then put it away. Do not give it to her. Some day, you may be able to talk to her about what she's done...but for now, she'll not listen.
Here's the forum link that has info on the LRT. I am not aware of a standard LRT letter.
Also, be sure you post what is going on w/you on your own thread so that the posters in Newcomers' are aware of what is going on w/you currently.
We are getting a little bit off topic on this thread and I do not want to encourage posters to use the LRT as a method of trying to wake their spouses up. Let's stick to the topic of the thread. Okay?
Regarding MLC, as mentioned before, she is classic PA. Right now, she doesn't even want to be friends and avoids conversation with me at all costs. She pulls up in front of the house, drops off the kids and drives away as quickly as possible. Yesterday, I had to talk to her about one of the kids. We talked for about 30 minutes (I did not mention one thing about us)and she was pleasant. She has been hot and cold for the past year. Is it common for MLCers to not even want to be friends anymore and be very distant as if we are strangers? We have known each other over 20 years and she acts like we are just acquaintences.
Clay, I suggest you do some research on MLC. What she did yesterday is very typical of a MLCer. You are no longer a part of her life. For all practical purposes in her mind, she divorced you a while ago. She's been on this journey at least 18-24 months prior dropping the bomb.
Right now, you are the enemy. You are the reason she feels the way she does. You are part of the marriage and unfortunately, you are part of the equation of why she's not happy. Believe me, it's not you...but her. Do an internet search of MLC. Read some of the other threads on MLC and learn that you can't be a true friend to her right now. When she's ready, she'll reach out.
Her behavior is normal for someone in MLC.
May I suggest that if you aren't happy over in Newcomers' that you start a thread here so that others may chime in since it appears that you aren't that familiar with MLC?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Clay I was with my ex 25 years and havent seen or spoken to her in over 3 years. It is how they behave. Any attempt to reason with her will be used to justify her actions. Try to live your life and be good to yourself.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Can you tell me what resources there are for women in a MLC? I really haven't found much on the internet that applies. She has been a SAHM for the last 21 years including with her oldest son before we got married, so the links about women going through a MLC because they are not achieving their goals in the workplace or don't have a man in their lives, really don't apply.
Clay, There are other forums out there that address the issue of MLC for women, but you'll need to "google" for them. We aren't allowed to post them here.
Whether she worked or stayed home, the bottom line is that she feels that she missed something along the way. She has some childhood issues that need to be resolved and until she resolves them, she'll continue in crisis.
Technically, the resources would be the same and the DB techniques would apply. No matter what you find in the way of research, there is no brass ring that will wake her up and bring her back to you. You have to still allow her to go through her crisis and if she begins to reconnect, then you'll need to be patient.
