I actually have read some of your posts on ancaires thread, and then I started reading up on your earlier threads. It is eerie how similar your early experiences are to mine. Husbands stone walling, and selfishness, possible or probable alcoholism, Very similar financial issues, the way you were searching to figure out your role in dealing with someone that had just mentally detached.
I have also read your last thread, and you currently possess so much dignity and grace. I am impressed that you have went through such hardships. The way you have carried yourself while daily having to deal with OW is truly inspirational.
I still have to finish reading all your middle threads though. If you don't mind my asking, why did you guys end up with a 50/50 custody arrangement?
Julie
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I know. It is so dangerous. Do you know what my first instinct was when I finally got those checks?--after months of H not giving me anything--including a time to go in and get the things that he already agreed I could have 3 months ago. My first instinct was GUILT. Like I should be thanking him for giving me what is rightfully mine. WTF!!! How easy it is to slip back into those patterns.
One good thing I have going for me is that I have developed friendships with some divorced men. Both of whom pay support. And both of whom have assured me (when I was worried about money) that he will have to start paying and it will be ok. They didn't make me feel like I was being a beast for expecting money. They assured me it was right for me to expect it. So that helps.
I also just spent the better part of today rereading my sitch from start to finish. Because I needed to remind myself about how better off I am now. Wow. I feel like I was reading about someone else story.
This post from Maybelle struck me:
Quote:
That's a lot of things to be good in your life! I hope you're focusing on them.
Imagine the worst happens. Everything that is up in the air right now, that you fear. It all comes to pass.
Now imagine yourself waking up the morning after that awful calamity. Who do you want to be on that day? That is what the lighthouse is meant to show you.
Now, don't wait for the calamity. Be that person TODAY.
Wishing you peace in your conversation with your H.
Believe that all will be well. It is in your power to make it so.
This was posted 6 months before the calamity. My response to the Day After Calamity question.
Quote:
I want to be happy and proud. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and are honest with me. People I can trust. He is left to self destruct and I am rising above all of the pain and confusion. For the first time in a long time I have clarity, and I take care of me for the first time. I am in control of my emotions and my well-being, and my children admire me for my strength and composure as I manage my way through this. That woman who was crying is gone, and she is replaced by a happy, strong, confident provider who doesn't need another person to make her happy. Because she is enough.
I'm not quite there yet..but I'm pretty darn close. I'm closer to being that person than to the person I was when I wrote that.
And that V, is what I hope will keep me from falling for the sweet cycle again. Because I can reread and relive my journey on these posts. I can recognize the parts that still feel fresh and raw when I read, and the parts that are starting to feel like it was someone else's life. I am still raw about the things that happened from April to Calamity Day. I am really liking who I am and where I am now.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I actually have read some of your posts on ancaires thread, and then I started reading up on your earlier threads. It is eerie how similar your early experiences are to mine. Husbands stone walling, and selfishness, possible or probable alcoholism, Very similar financial issues, the way you were searching to figure out your role in dealing with someone that had just mentally detached.
I have also read your last thread, and you currently possess so much dignity and grace. I am impressed that you have went through such hardships. The way you have carried yourself while daily having to deal with OW is truly inspirational.
I still have to finish reading all your middle threads though. If you don't mind my asking, why did you guys end up with a 50/50 custody arrangement?
Julie
When H got the second OOP he put in a line at the end of his report that he thinks things had escalated to the point that I should not have contact with the kids. It was total BS, but what it did was allow them to remove me from the home with orders to not contact them. When we got to court the next morning he retracted that line immediately, because he knew it was BS. The rest of the order was twisted reality. He knew the lingo to use to turn a normal marital disagreement into "harassment" and he completely set up the scene by playing nice but starting a conversation that he knew would make me defensive. Then saying I was "harassing" when he tried to shut me up by saying "I don't wish to discuss that", and when I kept talking he would say, "you are harassing me". He recorded all of these set ups.
So what ended up happening was the order was rewritten by our Ls to be more of a separation agreement and the agreement that we were going to have the D court take over the order (I am kind of regretting that now because the D court keeps getting pushed off so this stupid order is still in place. I walked in there with nothing, 50% custody was the best I could hope for. I also left homeless, so that made it hard to argue for more anyway.
I do believe, in my state, that if a father wants 50% they are entitled to it unless there are real reasons why the shouldn't. However, you should talk to a L about it.
Last edited by mustardseed; 10/23/1504:10 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I have also read your last thread, and you currently possess so much dignity and grace. I am impressed that you have went through such hardships. The way you have carried yourself while daily having to deal with OW is truly inspirational.
I appreciate this observation although I am not so sure how true it is. Things have been much easier since being out of the same house. The months leading up to my removal I was a complete basket case. In the words of Elsa "It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small". It really does help to have my own home base to replenish when I feel drained.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Zelda said rereading her lists made her realise as our memory fades.
I have an abuse diary, I am still concerned that I could be dragged back in. I hope I will be strong enough.
Ironically as time goes on the abuse fades. The risk gets greater. Eventually it may all fall into perspective and I will let go, the whole R with WH isn't worth it.
I still stand for R or for me.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/23/1507:24 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Expect your WH to start manipulations and the 100% rule applies in spades in his case.
I made " I will not be abused" turn into "I am free, the captain and master of my destiny"
When you are ready, absolutely ready, probably the next spell break, you will no longer validate WH belief you will say " I beg your pardon, the kids are in the car" or " I am sure it is someone else that said that"
I have thought for a while your WH is afraid of facing the consequences and he will try every trick to avoid it.
That day is coming Msd.
As for me I decided that I wanted to be the breeze block, I wanted to be completely totally unattractive as a target to my WH. Be very safe, this is a very dangerous time in abused Rs. Breeze Block is my own version of grey stone, I urge you to google the phrase grey rock abuse technique. ://narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/
I have always thought your WH has a similar streak to mine. I am very careful.
V
I've been reading up on this. It is a good technique and one I will definitely put into practice. I owe him nothing.
And also, when I was reading through my old threads Labug very, very, very early on suggested I google black and white thinking. At the time I did and got a bunch of articles about narcissism and thought, "oh this doesn't apply". WOW it is amazing how early on others saw what I couldn't see. I reread the info that I found on black and white thinking and holy S***. It really is H to the tee. The way he would turn on people that used to be friends--for stupid reasons. Friend 1 took some teeshirts from a box H kept under his desk and suddenly became Hitler. Friend 2 disagreed with the way he handled an incident with a student--suddenly she is C***. There is no middle ground with him.
For a long time I suspected a Madonna/Whore complex with him. Our "intimate" moments were hot and heavy, but lacked the intimacy that you would expect between married people. And he wouldn't stick around afterwards. But he had no problem holding me and being loving when I was doing some mundane maternal task.
But then when he told me that he knows I will just jump into bed with someone right away. He thinks about how we met and knows I am that kind of person. um--buddy you were there, too. Making the same choices I made. How can you hold that against me after 15 years together? Somehow the fact that I slept with him the night I met him somehow gives him a pass to cheat on me 15 years later? It is crazy that he put that on me--but what is crazier is that I carried it. Just because he said so.
The one thing I am afraid of is that I won't spot another narcissist when I am ready to try to love again. They are really good at their game. I guess the best we can do is become the kind of person that isn't attractive to a narcissist--but I don't want to change who I am. I just want to become a smarter and stronger version of me.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Msd...I often get judged and reprimanded for doing something that H has no problem doing himself. It is so strange to me now that I wound up in a "child" position in my M. The issue never had to be big, either. For example, he never put his tools away when he completed a task. He'd just leave them lying wherever. But Lord forbid I would use a screwdriver and not put it up right away! Then I became lazy and a bad housekeeper.
How did I not see this? I'm pretty sure I did, but refused to acknowledge it...which led to my struggle with severe depression. The light is beginning to brighten and allow me to see what was really happening in my M. It's bringing me no joy whatsoever, but I am gaining some acceptance.
