Take Joy!

[LoisB]

Thank you Job. You made me cry. I'm just weepy after this week.

We are moving to PEOPLE. Weird.

There are things to do where we are going. I will have no excuse for not getting out and doing stuff.

We are purposely looking at apartment complexes to force us out of our shell. Places with get-togethers and pools. We've agreed this is the best idea in order to meet people. Once we have some relationships in place, THEN, we will look for other housing. I'm considering applying for Section 8 housing to remove some pressure. I've had so much stress this past year and I need to simplify. Asheville has Section 8 vouchers, so I'm hoping we could find a decent, safe apartment still. Have to check it out.

Haven't called my mom. After getting some really strong encouragement and loving support elsewhere, it made her reaction really stand out.

If anyone is in doubt about God's existence... just take a look at our situation. God took that child support money from Matt. I don't know what unfolded, but I'm guessing his parents didn't know he owed me that money. I don't know. Whatever. God made sure we got that money. And, I told Matt I was grateful he didn't argue about changing the monthly amount.

Still have lots to do in a short time. But, excited. We are moving from a beautiful place... but, the grown up in me realizes we need people, support, churches, a little family, resources, closer things to do and more opportunities to earn a decent income. Two hours from the closest department store, one Walmart within 50 miles... puts a real damper on my earning. This is a smart decision and it's not based on my fantasy of living in a rural upstate New York village, but based on the reality of our needs right now.

Also, I'm so relieved to be free of that company. You know they hacked into my computer one day when I was in the office. I had the feeling I was always being watched... and I was. Didn't mention the hacking thing until the day after I was fired... told someone who reacted with "What!?"

[LoisB]

Asheville is 1 hour and 20 min. Further from Matt than we are now. Thinking it won't matter anyway, but not that much of a diff.

[job]

Heather,
Your former company was checking to see if you were doing the work or not. Many companies are doing "the spying" these days to ensure that their employees are working, what sites they are visiting, etc. I particularly didn't like this big brother approach of checking on employees, but w/the way the world is today, it's important to know what employees are doing, if they are terrorist, sex perverts, etc. If you only used your computer at work for work, then you had nothing to worry about. Sometimes employers will give employees a little bit of leeway when doing searches, etc., but the bottom line w/employers is that they want their employees working during the work hours. So, what happened to you was not surprising.

As for Matt, he doesn't like change and he's mad because you are moving again. He's mad that you are doing things that he may have wanted to do sometime in his life and he's not done it. He sees you moving, advancing and yes, finding places to live, work and have fun. In his mind, you've escaped from the past and have moved on. They don't like that. They want to be the ones that do everything. So, just let him sulk and he'll get over it in time and guess what, he just may say he wants to move there too.

So, the house hunting begins and, of course, time to down size more and get ready to move once again. It's on to a new adventure and hopefully this time, you will find a place to call home for many years to come.

[LoisB]

I think Matt hates it when he realizes he has no control over us any longer.

I wasn't the best employee. The community loved me, but the company not so much. I know. I was given a great opportunity, but it didn't work for us. I feel sad and angry with myself over some of it. But, I also know I was suicidal, closer than I've ever been, stressed to the max, put double the mileage on my leased vehicle in the past year, I reached out to four counselors for myself and Louisa, a coach, support group, my family, local churches... It didn't work. I begged for help from my mom. Literally, begged her to come for a week to help me put things into place with Louisa and she told me to "put on my big girl pants."

That's ok. But, I realized, while here in almost Canada, that I have to make this work without counting on my family. And, that's ok too. But, it's very difficult here to do that.

I hear the voices in my head saying I screwed up again. Shutting it down by listening to sermons, reaching out for help, talking/journaling out and taking action.

I have a list of Asheville resources prepared:

Autism resources
Debtor's Anonymous resources (used to be a member and have reached out again)
Al-Anon meeting schedule
Consumer Credit Counseling (discovered some GREAT resources in Ash)
Homeschooling resources
Social service agencies

THIS time... Being honest about what I'm capable of doing instead of over-committing. Louisa and I need support before the other stuff will work. I need to keep things simple... meaning shorter driving distances, more resources close by and fewer expenses... more affordable and simple. That's the key and we can build up to what I jumped into here.

I dove into the deep end and nearly drowned. This time, success will come by some smaller, gentle steps. I'm starting in the shallow end this time with more realistic goals and I WILL NOT count on my family for help. This time, I need to face the reality that I'm on my own and will need to find support from sources OUTSIDE my family.

God is good.

[LoisB]

So, here's something kinda silly.

I went to go get new car insurance today. When I put in my information, Matt's truck came up... along with a 2005 Honda Civic. I'm assuming it's the skank's car.

Not sure why? But, this really stung. He's added her to his bills. I'm not his wife anymore. And, all the Mea Culpa's and wanting to move to be closer to us... it all seemed so shallow and empty and meaningless.

I will get over it. Probably sooner than later because I'm super busy with my own life. Still, it bugs me. I'm trying so hard to make ends meet and make a life for us and, especially after Matt calling me last week and laying into me with a HUGE monster attack. What an a$$. He will pay for her car insurance. DicKK.

Tackling one challenge after another with the move. Planning to leave Wednesday for Asheville.

[job]

Heather,
There will be things that sting for a while and the insurance on the 2005 car is just one of those things. As for his comments about wanting to move closer, they were lip service to soften you up concerning the divorce. He was most likely searching for info to use in the hearing. If he truly wanted to move closer, he had 12 months to do so and he didn't even make the effort to see the girls during that time...so, let him go on his merry way.

He was angry because he doesn't have any control over you and he can't keep you right where he thinks you should be. He's angry because life didn't turn out the way he thought it would. That's on him to own.

Travel safely to Asheville. It's a new beginning and I do hope that this time, the move is a better fit for your and your daughter.

[LoisB]

For anyone who relates to my struggles with money, google the author Sally Palaian, Ph.d.

She has written a wonderful book about money and addictive behavior. Jaw-dropping for me and very helpful. She explores how people develop issues around money.

Just an FYI for anyone interested. In my case, I'm learning how I must have put my head in the sand as a child to avoid whatever was going on... I've carried that behavior into adult life. Really good stuff.

[kml]

Just a little financial reality checking:

You're trying to justify getting a more expensive apartment when you first move down there because you think it will provide a social life. This is one of the things you need to stop doing, justifying overspending.

You need, right now, the cheapest housing that is safe. Don't count on Section 8, I don't know what it's like there, but in my city, the wait list takes YEARS. Go ahead and apply but don't expect it to happen for a very long time.

You can include transportation and utilities in your calculations: a place that is walking distance to work would save you money, being on good public transportation might allow you to give up the car if you have to. Don't choose housing based on what you HOPE to make, but on what you WILL BE MAKING NOW. You can always upgrade your living situation later but right now you need a budget that works with your current income.

Consider looking for cooperative living situations: for instance, an elderly or disabled person who can offer reduced cost housing in exchange for assistance with shopping and personal care. Or look for shared housing with another single mom.

[LoisB]

Trust me. Not justifying overspending.

My budget is 30% of my guaranteed income. Between $600 and $700 per month. I have looked into Section 8, but the waiting lists and risk with safety don't make it feasible until I get down there and see for myself.

At this moment, I'm being painfully, painfully real about my spending and my problems with money. I am also aware that without a strong support system around me, I will most likely make the same mistakes over and over.

While Asheville doesn't have Debtor's Anonymous meetings, they do have a fabulous consumer credit counseling service which has a terrific reputation. They are having a workshop on money and women in mid-October.

Asheville is terribly expensive and we won't be able to afford a two bedroom apartment there... yet. I have looked at Johnson City and Hickory. If you head an hour north, the prices on apartments drops by 50%. There are nice complexes there were I could find a two-bedroom in our price range.

My credit rating, however, is still an issue. I've made a budget for this transition and shared it with some friends in D.A. and some others.

Ironically, I've spent decades of my life trying to convince Matt to face his issues honestly when I've been in-and-out of deep denial with my money issues.

I know I tend to head to la la land with money and I'm really trying to make that right. I have put my kids through a lot because of my problems in this area. Praying hard this transition will go smoothly and we find a safe, affordable place.

Our lease here is up Sept. 30. I can't afford to renew and I don't have work here anyway. There's not much work here for anyone, let alone a writer.

Building support around me with people who have screwed up money and put things right.

[LoisB]

Just want to check in... had a crazy dream about Matt last night which helped me to understand some of the sadness I've been feeling.

But, first... We are in Asheville! :-) This move is something that is nothing short of a miracle. A month ago, I couldn't wrap my head around the financial details of this move at all. It seemed impossible.

Louisa already has two friends and one friend, in particular, seems to be a bestie.

We are house sharing with another single mom with a 13-year-old daughter--the friend. The house is lovely and large and deep in the mountains, but only 12 minutes from my new job. It's also forcing us to interact! And, it's within my part-time job budget, allowing me to relax a little bit while I gather commercial clients.

The new job is going well. The office is relaxed and I find myself reacting with fear--for no reason-- as if I am in the other job... I'm going to look for some counseling for PSTD which is a result of this past 3.5 years. I tend to overreact easily and take things personally which aren't.

I am the only journalist on staff and being in a position to delegate to a reporter is making all the difference. The publisher has already offered me more hours and two other newspapers to work on... after a week. I am realizing how much anxiety I was holding, always waiting for the criticism and micro-management. I'm trying to pay closer attention to the balance in my life, so I don't allow that depletion to happen again. Still have to work on the whole looking for external validation thing.

I've kept my distance from my mother and I only reach out when I'm in a good place. I learned she told my daughter, "Don't be like your mother," in relation to setting stiff boundaries from the crazies in my family. That hurt. However, I didn't even bother to address it. I was kind and just filled my mom in on my new life. In our last conversation... when I filled her in on my new home and so forth... I could hear anger in her voice. When things go well for me... I hear my mom SAY nice things... I'm so happy... but, I SENSE the anger underneath. I don't know why. I'm braver than she is. I don't settle for mediocre and abuse and I'm guessing that has created some resentment. Whatever.

We have had more fun in the last week in Asheville than we had in an entire year in Almost Canada. There is TONS to do and we haven't even reached out to all the support in the area yet.