I want to work on me. I'm serious about it. But it's almost like she's a drug I can't kick. I know I'm not the first or last person to go through this. But it's definitely hard to look past the pain and emotion when it comes out.
This is where detaching comes in. Read the thread in Cadet's welcome post. Detaching doesn't mean to stop having feelings for her but her actions shouldn't control your emotions. We have all been where you are right now and have felt the same pain and desperation. I promise you that if you do the work set out here you will feel 100 times better. It is a devastating road but it won't be lonely if you listen to what the wonderful people on this board are telling you.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You have your answers. She was very clear about her motives and I'm sorry that you have to live through such betrayal. You don't deserve this. None of us do. You are experiencing so many feelings, but they are just feelings and you will live through this and survive...you may even thrive. But you have to remember that you can have these feelings, but you are also in control of yourself. Do not share your feelings with HER. It is not attractive to her.
Why don't you try looking at things from a day to day perspective. For example, set the goal of no pursuing behaviors for 3 days, then extend it to a week, then 2 weeks etc, (I did this when I wanted to eliminate sugar from my diet and it worked great). When you get the urge to call, or ask her questions not concerning the kids just post on here! Or tell yourself you need to make it to day 5. It might not be true detachment but you have to fake it till you make it.
It won't be easy and you will have to, forgive yourself for any setbacks but at this point you have to preserve your dignity. It will feel good and get easier each time.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I hope I am doing the right thing. I think I may have made to many mistakes or lost too much ground to hope she'll want me again. But maybe its meant to be this way.
Below is not what I should of done, I did not detach and let my emotions rule my actions: When should told me about OM I unfriended and blocked on all social media. This was out of anger. I posted some nasty stuff about killing the part of you that thinks it cant survive without someone else. This apparently upset her.
and then... Last night, we met to swap off the daughter, I think or I hope I did better. I didn't cry I didn't yell. I acted as calmly as possible.
The conversation as best as I remember it: She started crying and asked how I could post something like that. And that she would never cheat on me, that's not who she is. And that she would not talk to him any more because it wasn't worth me being upset with her. And that this is why she didn't want to say anything about it to me in the first place. She says they just have been small talking, nothing else.
I asked how she expects me to believe that or why she even cares if I believe that, because she already chose to leave. ( but Especially with what he said to her the prior year. The way he talks looks like he is trying to swoop in a marry her asap. I didnt say this..)
i said that she was free to do what she wanted, but that she had to realize there is always things that will happen in response to that. i told her i didnt really believe that she wasnt involved with him or that she would stop.
this made her very upset and she cried and said that now everyone is going to think that she slept around on me and she didnt. and that me acting this way hurt her so bad.
i said, thats not on me, if you feel guilty thats you, i said i thought i could wait around for you to figure out what you needed to be happy, but i cant. I cant sit back and be your shoulder to cry on.
she said i forced her to make the decision to leave and its partly my fault and that she didnt expect me to wait, never expected me to.
i said then i guess im just saying it to hear it for myself.
i told her again she is free to do what she wants, and that i was very serious about cutting my self off emotionally from her.
she said ok thats fine, then we kind of small talked about our daughter, said our goodbyes and that was that.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Havhope, have you read DR or DB?? If not, you need to read the books and quick! You are doing stuff which is causing a downward spiral and it doesn't have to be that way. It sounds as though you need to get yourself to a place where you can consistently interact in a calmer way. At the moment, you're having fraught R discussions and then reacting by unfriending her on FB, which causes her to react...all spiraling downward.
The good news is that it is within your gift to change this and how you interact with her can make a difference. But you need to stop with some of the stuff you're doing now. It isn't working my friend. So, if you didn't read DR, read it - and read it slowly with a pencil in hand, and really think about how you can start to apply the advice in your situation.
You can do this my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have read DR and all of the homework but I get so caught up in the moment that I cant think straight. I will make it a priority to read again and slow down.
Yes I realize the mistakes after I make them. And now I feel like I cant go back. Like it will make me seem weak.
If I try to restore that connection with her again she will see me trying to make up for my actions.
I mean is it OK to ask to be unblocked and say i made a mistake, will it make me look like im big enough to admit when i am wrong, or will it have the opposite effect.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
No, I would let go of any FB stuff that has happened. It's not going to help you to be linked on FB anyway.
Just focus on handling future interactions better. This means learning how to respond, rather than react. At the moment, you are reacting and it is having negative consequences.
I would certainly go back and re-read the book though. A second reading was useful for me.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
i definitely feel as if Ive only been reacting to everything that's happened.
kept thinking i was in a good place, but i think it was just me telling myself i was ok, and i still am really not ok.
like Sandi said its time for me to get serious.
i realize i am having a really hard time detaching. and that ive always had a hard time with not reacting out of anger or irritation. i am going to try and see a a therapist for anger issues i think. it just takes so long for me to see a doctor... i am barely getting to talk to my primary care and still have to get a referral.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
You are early on in your sitch, havhope. Don't panic.
Don't even bring up FB. It's actually better for you not to be connected so you don't start stalking her and obsessing.
Just breath. Your sitch didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. Give her some space, stay out of relationship talks. If she brings them up, just validate her (read Wonka's validation page for tips).
doesnt feel good