A new day.

[beckyb]

Looking for advice. H still has a lot of stuff at my house. Tonight he texted to ask if he could pay me storage for a couple of months. I don't know what to think. It's not really bothering me. I just need it gone by early spring.

If I tell him he doesn't have to pay me anything am I letting him take advantage? Will he see it as me trying to hold on to him? Should I take the money?

[beckyb]

Hi BT. I recently started some private lessons at a Pilates studio and I love it. I'm going to start classes 2xs a week. I was walking a lot but now it's dark so early so I need to switch to my exercise bike. I really hate the limit daylight hours.

[beckyb]

Photo, no problem on the thread. I do have a recipe for disa9, don't I?. Time to refocus.

[Avanti]

Looking for advice. H still has a lot of stuff at my house. Tonight he texted to ask if he could pay me storage for a couple of months. I don't know what to think. It's not really bothering me. I just need it gone by early spring.

If I tell him he doesn't have to pay me anything am I letting him take advantage? Will he see it as me trying to hold on to him? Should I take the money?

Rather than thinking whether to take the money or not, might it be better to see it as a baby step improvement? Also consider the AAA renewal offer in a similar light. They aren't anything to cling onto especially but it does potentially indicate a degree of not trying to increase the distance between the two of you...? Remember, that's why we have goals and plans to review progress and ensure nothing is lost.

If it were me, say thank you and take the money (whether I needed it or not) and tell him a date next year or whenever suits you when his stuff will need to be gone. By you in effect walking away from him it might, and I stress might, draw him closer as he'll sense detachment and it may make him think.

Besides if it doesn't change anything you'll be a few dollars better off and you can use them on developing the service for delivering some of your awesome sounding food over the Internet. :-)

[beckyb]

Avanti, I think I am going to take the money. I'm trying to figure out how he would expect me to react and do the opposite. But I just don't know what he expects.

He also said, "since you are not planning to sell the house until next year". This tells me he likely read my settlement proposal and I'm guessing maybe doesn't plan on doing anything until the attorney conference scheduled in January.

I truly wish I could send that meal. I love cooking and making people feel welcome. If you all lived closer I'd just invite you over.

[beckyb]

I spoke to my DB coach this morning about the AAA membership and the storage issue. Here are his thoughts.


•He may be coming out of the fog a little and realizing it’s not all about him. No guarantee.
•If we get divorced and he marries OW do I want to be sharing a AAA membership? No
• He needs to realize that he really is going to lose me if this continues. Therefore no shared AAA and a deadline on the stuff. I can’t really enforce the deadline but at least it’s recorded in a text.

My coach always says what ever I do should be because I'm setting respectful boundaries for myself and not to punish H. That aligns with my goal of dealing this in a Godly, graceful manner.

If all of this means he’s finally moving on at least I get some money out of the deal. 

[Avanti]

Your DB coach is absolutely right, my post wasn't very well worded.

When I said take the money, I meant for the storage and nothing else. Keeping the AAA separate makes sense.

Not punishing your H by your actions is exactly what you should be doing all of the time, it's all part of taking care of yourself and not caring in what way or how your H reacts and at the same time not antagonising them with petulant "almost child like" actions. Taking the moral high ground in all instances is so important, even if it does inflict more (short term) pain on yourself by doing it.

I am sure you have read threads with "I'll show them" attitude towards their sponse and it ends up in a bigger and bigger mess. Those who are getting on with their lives in calm and measured way (plans and goals in place) are making the most progress, and usually in a positive direction.

[beckyb]

Distancing myself from my spouse feels like the most unnatural thing, but I know it must be done.

[V2pt0]

I agree with Avanti. It is hard to put into practice and I certainly do not always do the right thing. It is easy to let emotion dictate your actions and words. Detaching helps but as everyone on here knows that is a slow process.

I just had to send a text to my H because I went to use some gardening/lawn items this weekend and realized that H took some items the last time he was here to watch the dog, but he did not say anything. While I could just get angry and change the locks or critize, I feel those would be very aggressive actions and I don't want things to be that way anymore. So instead, I sent what I felt was a very pleasant request (not demand) that he please communicate by leaving me a note if he takes things so I am not surprised when I go to use them. How he now reacts is up to him. This might be a minor or silly example, but a lot of minor interactions can build up to show change. I suppose I could have just ignored it, but it does impact me and and seemed like a fair request as it stuff that still belongs to both of us. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. Communication was a big issue for us, so I also feel like this shows change. A month ago a would probably have been not so nice about it.

Another person on here suggested asking yourself if how you want to act or respond will get you closer to your goal. I also find that helpful when I remember to ask myself the question. Also, Zeus has made some great comments to me about my tone which has been helpful. It is easy in all forms of communication to express the wrong tone when you are angry and hurt.

[beckyb]

I actually communicate very little with H almost always in response to his communication, except where important logistic are concerned. I am always calm even when he has said some not very nice things. Because their is so little contact, each interaction seems like a very big deal and I don't want to do anything to make things worse. It's stressful!