I've given some thought to why I'm so all or nothing. It's the mentality that I have developed that's allowed me to achieve my goals, and do things no one else around me seems to be able to do.
It started when I played pool for money. At the time I didn't work. I won pool matches. That's what I did. If I lost, I couldn't call my apartment management company and tell them how lucky the other guy got. I had to pay or I got evicted at some point. If I showed up at the gas station and explained that I needed some gas but didn't have cash, they didn't really give a darn about whether or not I got hooked on my break, or how many balls my opponent slopped in. I learned there are two possible outcomes. Win, or lose. Either you get paid, or you pay the other guy. That's all that matters.
Boy is it tempting to blur those lines. Excuses. Consolation. "I lost but I played well. I wasn't really in the match today. I was jet lagged. I couldn't get used to the table. In these short sets there is just so much luck, it's like flipping coins. He had his career moment. I was in a fight with my SO. I didn't really care about this tournament anyway. I didn't really care if I lost, we weren't playing for that much, I was just laying it down so I could win more later." ON AND ON. God, to me it's all garbage. Just the static of thousands of losers explaining why they didn't have what it took to win.
I refused to buy in. But man, the pressure of having to win was crippling. No wonder people make excuses. The urge to just quit was so strong. The path was so hard. The pressure crushing down that said you can never lose, ever, to anyone, for any reason. It's not ok. No excuses. That pressure was so hard. There was a soft voice inside of me saying 'no one else pushes this hard, why can't you just let up a little, do your best, and just accept whatever happens, everyone loses once in a while, right?' Yes, when the pressure was so crushing that it felt like I couldn't go on the urge to listen to that voice was tempting. I could say I put up a good fight. I could point out that I won last week. I could point out that I still had a winning track record overall. But if I listened to that voice I wouldn't hit my goal.
It comes down to this: Do I want to be a champion, or do I want a story about why I wasn't? It's one or the other. It is black and white. All the others that murk up the waters, they are just trying to take the easy path and confuse the issue so the monumental gap between success and failure isn't so obvious. To me it is so clear I don't see how others can miss it.
Now pool may not matter to anyone else, but that's just one example. This is the same no bs approach I took to business, which is why I have almost never met my equal.
And this is the same attitude I took towards marriage: There are people that have life long marriages, and there are people that have stories about why they don't. One. Or. The. Other. If you tell me you got divorced, frankly, after that the rest is just a bunch of static about why you didn't keep your commitment, why you didn't achieve that goal. I don't really care. I don't want to hear it. You can tell it to your friends and family, and hang out with others that agree to buy your story if you buy theirs. Good for you. But all the story telling in the world won't replace the fact that your family is destroyed and you will never have another chance at achieving a life long marriage. And once you decide that there is ever a reason it's ok to walk it's a matter of when, not if, because marriage is that hard.
And while pool doesn't matter, and work isn't all that big of a deal, I think Marriage actually does. I think it is a big deal. I think loving and serving our partner and our family is actually what we're here to do. Not everyone has to agree, but those that walk down the aisle and take vows talk the talk. They just don't walk the walk.
For that reason I would never have walked from my M no matter how bad it was. We can all build cases, we all deserve better, our partners were all horrible. I don't care. I don't want a story about why I got divorced. I want a life long partnership. And nothing was going to stop me from achieving that short of my life.
As is my spouse walked away. She wins herself a heck of a story. And I and my family will pay the same price. She had valid reasons to feel the way she did. I made horrible mistakes. But zooming way out the fact is that I married a quitter. Black and white.
Hope this sheds some light on why I'm so black and white about some things. I know I seem crazy to a lot of people. Just realize it seems so clear to me it seems crazy others don't see it the way I do. Not judging, just different. No, I'm not easy to live with. No one is. She wasn't, I dealt with it. I am always working on myself, I am not the person I was two years ago, and I darn sure expect to be different in two more years, much less 10 or 20. It was up to her whether she wanted to crucify my failings or celebrate my qualities. And regardless of the failings I have I am a great man, that has done great things in my life, and will continue to. I will also continue to err. But while I'm not easy to live with, no one will ever have to worry about me finding reasons for walking, cheating, not providing for my family, or not giving my best to be the best man I can be ever day until they put me in the ground.
Last edited by Zues126; 10/14/1512:13 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Z - I get you, I really do. Most of us fall somewhere between all or nothing, but there is really nothing wrong with your approach. As you know, I read through your old threads yesterday, and I know for certain you're not inflexible. That would be the danger of black/white thinking - but fortunately, that's not you.
When you're ready...your next R partner will be the luckiest W on the planet. The kind of commitment you describe sounds like a dream to all of us here. I'm rooting for you!
So, I'm a little irritated. D8 told me tonight that I'm going to have two weekends in a row with them because mom will be taking them trick or treating on Halloween.
Um, what? STBX never mentioned anything to me about having them 10/31, or changing the schedule. As is I have plans to take them to my best friends house so that all of our children can trick or treat together.
I'm totally at a loss for what to say to STBX. I mean, first off you don't tell kids about changes to schedules without getting agreement first. Second it's awfully presumptuous to assume that I am not capable of getting them costumes or taking them out.
I was thinking of writing a rough draft for review by the DB forums...but actually I'm not going to send STBX an email at all. Why should I? I'm not going to ask permission to parent my children, nor am I going to lecture her on how to parent. Instead I will simply proceed with my plans. At some point she'll have to mention a schedule change to me at which point I will decline. But I see no reason I need to bring it up.
I can't wait until court.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I replied in my thread that I see some similarities between you and XH. I suspect that he has the same addiction as you.
But there is a big difference between you and him. You have the determination, the strength and the self-awareness to change. XH just isn't quite there yet.
And self-awareness is such a precious characteristic to have but not everyone will even come close to having it in their life time. You sound like you are really making the best of what you have now.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Your such a nice guy for wanting to take them on Halloween. My husband actually is making plans and does not want kids that day even though he is away and missed 2 weekends with them. legally can she alter schedule.?
You Say you see things black and white when it comes to marriage. I agree with your sentiment regarding marriage. ( Personally I never would have left), but I see things as black and white when it comes to infidelity. I feel that while Marriage is a legal binding contract, remaining faithful to someone comes from something deeper and is more honorable. I wish there were legal implications for not honoring your pact of fidelity (think of dangerous diseases you have exposed your spouse to and the financial aspect as well ) It seems there cannot be 2 blacks and whites, as your logic says work on the marriage irregardless. To me infidelity is the ultimate betrayal and I would not look past it. People can show me all the studies of brain changes and point out how rejected he felt and I don't care. I wouldnt behave like that, and I won't tolerate less. So yeah, I get your black and white position. I don't think it's being stubborn, I think it's a fair and rational approach in a very irrational and cruel world (but then again I'm a pessimistic idealist : ) )
It's hard being a Cassandra. I think one day our spouses will definatly regret this once they see that we have moved on. They just lack something within themselves that we seem to have and I'm not just saying this because we are the ones left behind.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/14/1509:29 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I am new to your sitch and so am only just catching up with developments and you've dfinitely been through to some incredibly tough times, I really feel for you.
I do get your black and white thinking, like you I thrive on success and I'm pretty direct.
One thing I don't believe in is war, do you?
If not, why are you taking the approach of going to war? By doing so you might get a few brief moments of self-satisfaction but something will come back and bite you, that's they way things go in any battle, don't try snd tell me you don't know this.
I am not saying lie down and take whatever comes your way, dealing with things as and when they happen from a less confrontational perspective will give you better results, guaranteed. Also having a plan of action, rather than of reaction is the way forward, don't consult your feelings for the way forward, consult your plan.
You've got your kids to consider and they may get caught up in the power struggle for who is right (you or your wife) get embroiled in. Take the what is right road you will feel much better for it and get more of what you want. You can still be black and white but be in a smarter game.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I want to share an excerpt from an email my mom sent to her betraying partner...Many things I could post on so sorry for not replying to other comments just yet. Right now I want to focus on something I feel quite passionate about: LBS's rewriting history. I get it. Our M's were bad. The "I don't want to return to that M either" and "I'm willing to recommit if WAS demonstrates growth as well", these are reasonable to a point. I mean, our M's were terrible and we'd definitely want to ensure this didn't repeat by both making the M better and ensuring our partner knew what a commitment meant. But focusing on the negatives in our M and WAS is not a healthy place to dwell.
As you know my mom was betrayed by a 12 year partner. He gave her a bunch of excuses, blaming her for much of it, basically saying "this was what was missing in our relationship and why I strayed". So zero accountability. The funny part is he asked my mom "you never told me what you felt my shortcomings were". This is what my mom replied (edited for protection): Can I find times that I didn't like? Outlooks that I was uncomfortable with? Specific days when I wish A instead of B? Sure, I could come up with some kind of list for you. But if you are asking what you did that would drive me to cheat on you, there is no list.
We have different priorities and world views. Your growth and development is your business. Did things annoy me? Did I judge things? Of course, but I never focused on that. Believe me when I say this: making a list of YOUR shortcomings would be more about ME and MY shortcomings. What is it that makes me uncomfortable about something you are doing? Is it you? No, most likely it is me. What can I learn about myself examining my discomfort?
It makes no sense to hash over why my feelings might be hurt one day or how you could have given me more. You are you and as long as we were a team it is your growth not mine. It is your struggle. You felt lonely, you felt pushed away. Everything in this world will challenge us. Nothing in this world is going to fulfill us totally. I don't know how to say this to you any clearer. Making a list of your shortcomings will only tell me about me. I thought we were on a path and that we would bring out the best in each other. I did not look to you to make my world right.
My mom was a good partner. Not perfect. But I am really proud of how she has handled this, and her maturity. This was inspiring to me, making me want to really challenge myself even more to not vilify WAS and to hold myself accountable for my own happiness.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I agree with you completely and your mom is amazing. However, I am starting to realize that there is a part 2. The part where the story changes, and it is no longer about your commitment or lack of it. It is about the fact that sometimes things really are out of your control. And then the story becomes how do you deal with that? How do you go on and have the best life possible, and be the best person you can be, in the face of having lost.
I am not ready for that story yet, and am still committed to reconciling the marriage. I do not want to lose my family. But I do recognize that there is more to it than my commitment alone, I really might lose this one. But I won't go down without doing every last thing that I can possibly do. I am not giving up.
