Tomorrow is 3 months since I have physically seen my wife, about 2 months since I have had any contact.... freaking surreal.
Lot's of people on here ask posters "What do YOU want"... I was thinking about that today. I constantly go back and forth. A few weeks ago, I was sure I didn't want her back. But now I really do want a new marriage with my wife. I feel like it could be special if she could just snap out of this funk. That back and forth feeling is probably normal at this point??
I hate it when people ask me about her. I was at a race this weekend, saw someone from high school who I have not seen in probably 15 years. Of course, his second or third question was... how is the wife?? I never know what to call her now when talking to others. I don't want to call her my wife. I don't want to call her my soon to be ex either. Weird, but again probably familiar to many.
I just don't know how long this no contact thing can go on for. I don't have the urge to contact her, for sure... but I mean what are we doing already? In a way, if she contacted me and was like let's move this along.... it would almost be a relief. I know we both have the 'gift of time' but jeesh. I just gotta stick with the plan and try not to worry about it until the new year and re-evaluate then unless she moves first. Can't be making any impulsive decisions.
Thanks for the kind words Sandi though I am not sure how much of a role I have played in not seeing her. Not contacting her, that is something that is within my control.
In the book, it says to try things and wait to see if there is a change in 'behavior'. How can I tell if this is having any impact without any insight into her life? Or does it even matter when going dark? I blocked her on FB a while ago, I literally have no idea what is going on in her life. Would her contacting my sister and sister in law be consider a change in behavior? I don't know, seems pretty random to me.
Would her contacting my sister and sister in law be consider a change in behavior? I don't know, seems pretty random to me.
No, I would not consider it a change of behavior.
Continue to hold out. A change of behavior would be when she decides she's ready to commit to doing whatever is necessary to save the M. In the meantime, she wants to act like she's single.
Let her come to you. Do not make it too easy, and don't take her back too quickly. If you do, you will go through this again. Do you know what terms of agreement you would need to try again?
A lot of WW's will temp check, just to see if the H is still emotionally invested. If she sees that he is, her interest immediately leaves. So be aware of any sudden contacts where she's all emotional and needing you.
Her contact with the SIL, and just the fact you heard about it..........sounds a little like it could have been her just checking things out to see what you've been doing and if her "position" in your life could be threatened. Know what I mean? The best thing (for your M) is for her to hear that you ate happy, and getting out there in your new found freedom.
Most LBH'S are scared to death for his WW to think he isn't holding on for dear life that she'll return to him. Actually, if she is wayward.......that is not the message she needs to get. She needs to be concerned she is setting him free, which means he can replace her with someone else. A better woman, A woman he deserves. A woman who would respect him and treat him well, and give him all the love he didn't get in his R with her.
As long as you sit around pining over her, then she's fine with it. For some reason, a WW wants control over him......even if she doesn't want to be his W. The jealousy factor is still there. Her thought process is all messed up. It makes no sense the LBH. Selfishness and jealousy usually spurs her behavior.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi once again. Your adivce and encouragement is invaluable. I think I am sending the right message to her. No one thinks I am pinning for her. I told my SIL thanks for letting me know and not to let me know if she contacts her again. Knowing my SIL, she probably relayed that message. I know what you say above is what I need to do. The fact she contacted my sister was the part I thought odd. I could see her contacting my SIL. But point taken, nothing to see here.
I am ready for a sudden contact... so ready for it. Made a lot of mistakes in our pre-marriage days here.
I actually do have terms of agreement needed to try again. We can't keep on making the same mistakes. It would not be easy. Major changes in both of us needed for a new marriage to work. It could be special, I believe it.
I'll keep on going with the NC for now and focus on making myself better.
It's 3 months... but trust me... this is not new territory. The only reason I am in this shape is because of past experiences with her, the first time I ended up in a 2-3 year funk. We weren't married, but I basically learned most of Sandi's rules then. Even with that experience, I slipped a few times at the beginning this time, before I found this site to keep me centered. This is the last time though. I can't keep going through this... I want a family.
We'll give it some time. Oddly enough, every time this happens, the next phase in our relationship is better.
Hi dude, wanted to let you know I think you're very strong man. In reading your sitch, it is almost identical (ie. met my WW when I was 9, she was my neighbor, we are almost the same age too!).
Been tough but like yourself, I am employing the LRT and staying as dark as possible. Whether anything changes in R dynamics is anyone's guess (unless you notice observable changes), but at least you get to work on you and grow as a person which is unbelievable at this crossroad of our lives.
Being together for so long and knowing / understanding each other inside and out I realized I lost my identity. Now trying to piece that back together trying new things and getting out of comfort zone.
This is unfortunately a slow process but nonetheless a process. Given the journey I think you've done well last few months just need to focus on the best pinn you can be and will become.
Just my .02 but wanted to say I can feel what you're going through.
Stay strong bud.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Just wanted to mention another change of behavior would be her showing respect for her H. Some men confuse respect with niceness. It's not the same. A WW can come on to you all nicey-nice and set you up for something purely motivated by her selfishness. Friendliness is not the same as respect. A lot of men are thrown so badly by her sudden "nice" or "friendly" behavior that they want to believe it is a "sign" she's reaching out. That type of behavior will not last any time, if she doesn't respect him, b/c it's not with the right spirit/heart. Sure, nice/friendly seems pretty good after seeing the she-devil in action.....however, it is respect she has to have before she can feel love for her H. That's why enforcing boundaries are so important. When she starts respecting his boundaries.....then she's made a step in the right direction, but it's only a beginning.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
