She Left, not as unsure (2)

[Shrike]

So the first thread was getting towards 100, time to start a second

Link to first: [url=http://http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2618411&page=10][/url]

I am still on the fence about whether or not my W is a WAW or a WW, or a little bit of both. Or if it even matters!
I know some may read my thread and say your wife is definately wayward, but I feel like I paint her in a more negative picture because of the anger I have.

I have been doing really poorly with detachment, pursuit, reacting to things she says or does, setting expectations for things in my head. As well as having a hard time GAL, taking care of my daughter, working and some issues with my crohns that have popped up the past week have really worn me out.

I am focused and determined to make working on myself my priority. To stop pursuit, stop contacting her, and to stop reacting or letting my emotions go out of control. Detachment.

And yet as I say type these words, I feel the desire to reach out to her. To try to be her friend to support her and be kind to her. Shutting down these desires is extremely difficult, because I am TERRIFIED that not doing them is the wrong way to go about all of this.

As I read NMMNG I see so many things that I have done to create this toxicity in myself. It feels wrong to not be talking to her. To not be there for her. Even when she is talking to another man, I still feel guilt and shame for where I feel I have taken this relationship.

[Shrike]

dang messed up the url, fixed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2618411&page=10

[Shrike]

I think I found what I needed... before she started talking to the other guy..

What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

[sandi2]

You posts are sounding better........stronger......more focused.

[Shrike]

trying to compile posts i found useful >D

In cases where there's no OW or OM, the game plan is this: GAL, do genuine 180s on some of the legitimate complaints from your WAS, use your ears MORE & validate when appropriate, and re-attract your WAS. It's as simple as that. You ask how? Be upbeat, light, breezy, and fun. No more Eyeore chit. Being confident and breezy is very, very attractive.

I wanted to swing back here and clarify a bit more about what I meant by "coming down HARD on WAW" as we don't want LBHs to misunderstand these comments.

Coming down HARD on the WAW doesn't mean that one has to be a jerk nor take a scorched Earth approach to DBing. In fact, it's to the contrary with calmness, firmness, and clear-headed confidence.

[Shrike]

Thank you Sandi,

A lot of what you write is not what I think I wanted to hear when I first came here. But it matches up to not only what Ive read elsewhere but with what I think is best for me.

[Shrike]

I wanted to preface, by saying im not panicking, just some of thoughts for today. I tried to take another look at my situation without emotional attachment.

I do not know if this unique or not to my sitch.. but this is why I feel such extreme loss right now. She is not acting wild beyond that fact that she said she was unhappy and left me.

I get she is rebelling against the marriage. But to her, we are over. And to her she didn't start talking to this OM ''seriously'' until after we where separated. She said she always shut him down prior.

Now to me if she had REALLY shut him down, like I had asked, then he wouldn't have kept talking to her. And she wouldn't have asked to separate me after moving to work at the new gym where he goes... I don't believe in coincidence that much..

When I take a step back, I actually see she is cutting me out of her life, very meticulously, which I don't know if I like more or less than her going out and being destructive.

She has not been going out and going crazy from what I can tell.

What I have been reading says the ww or waw will try to string the LBH along to keep power over him. But my W has done the opposite it seems, at least to me. She does not text me or call, unless it is about our kid or finances.

And because my W has said things like:

''I need to kill the love I have for you, and everyday it gets easier''

''You need to grieve me and move on''

''I did not expect you to wait around for me''

''I understand if we cant be friends''

''Thank you for doing the work to split up the bank accounts and phone bills etc etc...''

''I am talking to another guy, but only small talk and will not move past this until divorce is final, I do not want to disrespect you''

The last one I dont know if I believe but it is what it is.

Hit me with 2x4's if need be. Or feedback, ill take either

[Fogg]

Just read through your threads havhope. Sorry you have to be here but I think your beginning to learn some things.

I am still on the fence about whether or not my W is a WAW or a WW, or a little bit of both. Or if it even matters!

It doesn't. If an A is ongoing than theres nothing you can do about it other than letting it die out. The WW mindset with disrespect could be in any type of sitch and has its own actions to take.

And yet as I say type these words, I feel the desire to reach out to her. To try to be her friend to support her and be kind to her. Shutting down these desires is extremely difficult, because I am TERRIFIED that not doing them is the wrong way to go about all of this.

That's a fear we all have and understandable. DB is often counter intuitive but that need to pursue mostly comes from our fear and that fear will push the WAS further away.

[quote=havhope]
Thank you. I need to see this. My behavior has been very immature. And I can tell it pushes her away each time./quote]

You reacting to her and your fear is showing you to be the same person you were before. You need to control yourself and not allow it to drive your actions. 'The Solo Partner' talks about that reactive mindset and other dysfunctional dynamics in a relationship.

Some of the things you mentioned shes said before are clear WAW actions and I don't see much disrespect but there could be manipulation going on. Its not that she doesn't have feelings for you(which might not help you right now hearing). Its about the dynamics of the M being bad for a long time(which you both contributed to) and her giving up hope things will ever be different. This is your hurdle to overcome and it will be one that requires great change within you. Those opportunities where she asks you why couldn't you be this, and why couldn't you be that. These can be opportunities to validate her concerns(not all comments need to be validated, so read up on it and understand it before you jump into it) and show you are a different person than the one in the old M. You need to challenge what she expects of you, in the right ways.

Our WAW's have two core beliefs that we need to get past. They know you intimately and they don't believe you will ever change. You can pretend to change and put on a show but they will know better. They have given up on the M so the path back is to change those two beliefs. It will cause conflict, it will cause you to be challenged, it will be difficult and a long process with no guarantees things will work out between the both of you. By doing the work you create a new version of you. That new version has the best chance of drawing the WAW back but also will be OK no matter what happens.

Had a question also. I noticed early in your posts you said you work long hours and have your D most of the week days, but also go to the gym every day. If you work 7am-8pm how are you able to spend time with the kids and workout also? I was in the Air Force for about 5 years and I notice our ages are similar. I assume since you still have the military medical you were medically separated? Age wise its much less common to find people lower in age. I just turned 30 myself and we are lower on the brackets of the people who find themselves here which I think is due to how early we started our R's.

[Shrike]

Hey fogg first thanks for posting.

We switched to doing 2-2-3 and swap weekends every other week. I get off 5, and was going to the gym almost every day. But I've since stopped doing that to focus on my daughter on the days I have her.

Yep spot on I was medically separated, it was a pretty rough transition for me, I was pretty scared of trying to figure out how we would make it with money and housing and all that. I let fear shut me down or react incorrectly a lot!

I know a lot of younger military that divorced and was surprised that they're weren't more on here at first, but looking back not a lot of them wanted to really be married from what I could tell.


Last night we were at the house trying to move things out and she told me that she has started dating the guy. But that she is just "seeing what's out there" I was pretty upset but took a a few seconds and a DEEP breath and said: "you are free to date whomever you want, I will not stand in your way. You made it clear to me that you wanted a divorce and I respect that. Please do not bring him around our daughter as I don't think she would be ready for that at this point." She seemed quite surprised that I didn't freak out and react in anger.

I had a bit of paradigm shift I believe last night. I am her EX and It felt as if she was no longer my wife but just another women. Now the reason I say this is because if she's just another women, then I'm free to pursue or not pursue her at my will. I don't think that I am in the right place to pursue her right now however. Still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Going off her actions and her words she still has strong feelings for me, is very confused about what she wants (if anything) as far as us, but isn't against the possibility of something. She says she will not however put that In front of her goals, which are to be happy, work on herself, and pursue her job. And she will not rush into anything with anyone including me. I told her I had great respect for this and was happy that she knew what she wanted for herself.

Now I know sandi will probably smack the crap out me. But I think doing what works is continuing to give her space. work on myself and if the timings right and and I'm in a good place with my changes and happy with myself. Maybe we reconnect and see what happens. This is down the road of course. When I was dating if I liked someone I wouldn't give up just because they resisted initially, I would engage, back off, engage etc. play the "game" so to speak. I don't think me or my exw are there yet. I know I'm not ready to date. And I think she has a lot of hurt and anger towards me to work out still.

[Shrike]

Edit: last night she also said she noticed a change in me. still a lot of apprehension from her though. I can tell she doesn't trust it yet.

I dropped some things off at her place, she seemed distant. I asked where she was. she said she can't let herself be sucked back into me right now, and that it's too soon. I agreed and said I understand. It didn't get me down though. Tomorrows a new day. More time and more space, the seemingly default answer to everything