I am so glad that you are doing better. I know that GAL activity is the best way to get through it. Although it is not advised, I kind of sense that dating would help as well! Only thing holding me back is that we have no legal paperwork and I want to be cautious. Also I'm older and have kids most of the time, so not as easy. Plus not many people know what's going on.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
If there is one thing that I can say its that GAL can save you from yourself. Get up and get out of the house, no matter how hard it is. Do not sit around inside waiting for things to get better. MAKE it better. Keep getting up until one day you do and it doesn't hurt anymore.
I know dating is generally not recommended, but just the act of talking to other people will help so much to break out that shell of self pity and hatred. Go talk to people, listen to them, learn about them.
Live your life. Its not over by a long shot, no matter where you are on the road. Do not let this bring you down or define who you will be. Learn from it and take all the best things you can out of it and take that knowledge and be a better version of yourself.
Whenever you feel negative, think about why that feeling is happening, really think about it. Because chances are that negativity is something you created. You have the power to change that. You have to ability to make anything positive. You just have to decide that's what you want. Right now your brain is trained towards the negative. Change those chemicals around and build positive connections in your mind.
Love your life, love who you are, love the people around you.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Just wanted to check in. Still feeling really good. The only time I get down is when I really concentrate on her. Which is close to never now a days.
Daughter still seems to be in a rough spot with all of this. I try really hard to GAL with her when we are together. I dont play video games or watch tv when we are together. Painting, playgrounds, books, classes. Trying to get her little mind off of it.
Met a girl, shes really cool. Total opposite of my ex. Just talking nothing crazy. Its good to talk to someone, but being very careful.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
Hi havhope, I hope you don't mind me stepping here and asking a question. I saw the quote below from Sandi and wondered this - if my W won't let me in enough to show her, then how will she ever see? I feel so much better about who I am now and where I am headed - and I feel like the old me in so many ways again. Although that was a long time ago, I feel that I am in that spot - but she doesn't see it. All she wants to do is nitpick and whatever...
Quote:
"Won't she think I'm rude"? Really!? The H is worried that his wayward wife will think he's being rude? This is an example of how out of kelter the R has been for a long time. The H has to find the man he was designed to be. Women love manly men. That which sets him apart from her. Women may never tell their H what they really want, instead they tell them a bunch of other stuff he wasn't doing. Deep down, she wants that guy that makes her melt all the way down to her toes. What happen to guy? Where did he go? Can he be revived?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I think the WAS needs for you to be detached from them and from the outcome. And they can sense true detachment. They have known you for years. They won't come back until they fear you are gone. Is is because of their own lack of self esteem? I don't know. But this seems true to me. Problem is, once we really are detached we might not want them back.
You probably have to be at a point where you could care less whether she even notices your changes.
Someone posted this to me in one of my earlier threads and I never forgot it...
"Open to reconciliation, but not waiting"
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
if my W won't let me in enough to show her, then how will she ever see? I feel so much better about who I am now and where I am headed - and I feel like the old me in so many ways again. Although that was a long time ago, I feel that I am in that spot - but she doesn't see it. All she wants to do is nitpick and whatever...
Sorry for the long winded reply...
I hate to say this, because it took me a while to get it, and I had a pretty in depth conversation about it with a female friend of mine. She didn't (initially) agree with what I was doing. She thought that if I loved my wife, and since we had a kid and had been together for as long as we where, that I should WAIT, put my feelings on hold and concentrate on her. It took me about an hour to convince her that doing that would drive a person insane. My wife decided to leave, my wife decided to be with someone else. As sandi said, I was FIRED as a husband, as a man basically. Why would I do anything for this women anymore. If she knows I love her and knows I am willing to work on things, then the rest is up to her. She has to change her mind. There is nothing I can do for her. I keep moving forward, I control my life now. She can sit in the past and be angry and nitpick and complain and say all these things, but it doesn't affect me anymore. I don't want that life. I want more. And if shes stuck in the past then that's on her.
If you are/where at the point where I was, then its not about whether or not she see's you. Its about being comfortable with yourself. Its about being the best version of yourself. For YOU. Not her. She doesn't care anymore. And anything you try to do for her will fall on deaf ears and blind eyes.
You make it clear through your ACTIONS that you do not accept what she is doing. That you still have the love for her, and are open to working on things, but you will not put your life on hold and you will not break your boundaries for her.
The reality of most of our situations is a huge, hard, nasty pill to swallow. If you are separated in house, its almost going to be harder than if you were apart completely.
Because the more I detach and withdraw, the more I can see she notices. The more she reaches out to me. She asked me if I was seeing anyone the last time we talked. I asked why and she said because I had stopped texting her, and it made her sad. And I honestly didn't know how to respond. I almost wanted to laugh and say you are sad?? I said Ive just been really busy and have to concentrate on me. She said she understood, but I can tell she doesn't like it. But as long as she wants to do what she is doing, then I am going to keep on this path.
She will know if you are still doing things for her. They can sense it, feel it, intuition or whatever you want to call it. And I firmly believe as long as they have this feeling they will not change. And you know what, this may not lead to reconciliation, but I guarantee you will be a better, happier person if you CHOOSE it.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
She will know if you are still doing things for her. They can sense it, feel it, intuition or whatever you want to call it. And I firmly believe as long as they have this feeling they will not change. And you know what, this may not lead to reconciliation, but I guarantee you will be a better, happier person if you CHOOSE it.
Thank you, Havhope! For the longest time I was doing that. And, yes, sometimes I do slip (see my latest for a good laugh). But I am at a place now where I can accept things much, much differently and better. It was a fine line with my W, giving that much space and the more I withdrew, the more she took it as I was fine with her decision to leave.
I really want this to work. But at the same time I am not crying over stuff or thinking about the past. I think her latest message to me which said - "Instead you should be asking yourself why I feel this way so that the problem can be cleared up or corrected and I need to you do as the original counselor stated and let me go."
Guess that was the proverbial nail that told me to batten down the hatches and prepare myself. But, funny thing, I didn't cry or get upset.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
