I'm new here but I don't really need advice. My situation is mostly in the past and we're much healthier now than before. I've told my story on other infidelity/marriage/relationship boards so if you frequent the other big-name boards on this subject you've probably seen.
In a nutshell: We married at 19. Everyone said that's too young, don't do it, but we did it and it was amazing. I love my wife so much. It was Camelot. A wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. My time in the Marines when we were first married. The missing her as I was deployed and eventually sent off to war. The homecomings. Sharing all of life's adventures together. After the Marines we were flat broke. Two boys at the time, very young, and still madly in love. Of course we were normal and had arguments like any healthy couple but nothing ever really bad. Nobody ever left the house or slept on the couch. We would never go to bed angry.
Life got better. We put ourselves through school with a hellish schedule (full time crappy min. wage jobs, full time school, full time parents). It was hell but we had each other and our family so it was actually fun. We got degrees, great careers, dream house in the burbs, the right cars, the right clothes, the right friends, etc. You know the story.
Flash forward to age 45. We were getting older. We all wonder is this all there is to life? Is there nothing more? Nothing greater? We started what we now know were our midlife crises. I got really depressed. I thought I hated my chosen profession. I definitely hated the company I worked for. I figured it was time to change things up. Took a new job half way across the country and the whole family moved. I also bought a Harley and started a garage band with some other middle-aged office worker guys that wanted to regain some youth. All with my wife by my side.
She had a much worse time. Got really depressed. Crying fits out of nowhere all the time. Started getting nastier with me and the kids. Both boys were adults by then but still close to us and none of us knew what was going on. I tried everything. Hate your job? Quit, I'll be here for you. Wanna go back to school? Wanna go climb mountains? Want to take salsa dance lessons? Whatever she needed, I would be there for her. I even went as far as to say want a new life? It'll hurt but if you need to leave me then I can't keep you. Go have a new life and we'll part friends. She'd say "that's ridiculous, you're the only part of my life I'm sure about."
We went on as is for over a year. She was always upset. Then she'd be nice and sweet, then angry, etc. I was so upset every day but wanted to be strong and support her....continued below.
We continue on that way for a year or so. She's a strong woman and with my love and support I'm sure she'll be ok. She tells me all the time that she'll figure it out and be ok. I just try to be there for her whatever she needs and on we go.
One of the guys in my band was a neighbor two houses away. Around the same age as us. We became good friends with him and his wife. They have adorable kids, much younger than ours.
Now the end of Camelot.
It's Sunday, March 17, 2013. Family dinner. Boys usually come buy Sunday evenings and we have something special that I cook (I cook, she cleans it up, that's always the deal). Anyway it's all normal and suddenly someone knocks on the door. Not really knocks but beats the crap out of the door. Pounds on it so loud that it startles the heck out of all of us. I jump up to go see what's up.
When I opened the door there was no one there. After a second I see someone in the front yard screaming, crying, flailing about. Basically going crazy. Of course I'm like WTF??? I realize it's our neighbor (wife). She's screaming incoherently. I mean really wild. I figured there was something wrong with her medically or some horrific thing has just happened. I go out to her to find out what's wrong. She tones it down enough to scream at me that "my husband and you're wife are f*cking." I'm like what??? She says "they're f*cking!!! I saw them! My f*cking as*hole husband is f*cking your GD whore wife."
Well now I'm made. Of course this is complete horse sh*t. How dare she say something like this. We're not one of those types of couples. We're a Disney Channel couple, not a Cinemax couple. We don't go out to bars, we don't party. We definitely don't have affairs. Not us. We're not like that.
I do my duty as the husband and defend my wife's honor. I don't remember my exact words but it's something like how dare you, I don't know what's going on in your life but shame on you for coming to my house and doing something like this.
My wife is standing in the doorway of the open front door. I'm out in the yard with my crazy neighbor. I'm really pissed. Nobody calls my wife a whore. I turn around to look at my wife to get her nod of approval for defending her honor against these obviously false claims and my life as I know it ends.
I looked into her eyes. They couldn't lie. I can't really describe exactly how they looked but they gave away everything. Everything I had just heard was true. She did this thing that our neighbor was accusing her of. I was in absolute shock. There's no way this could be possible. Our eyes were locked. I guess she could see what was happening in me because she screamed/cried and ran back into the house. She locked herself in the bedroom.
In the meantime most of the street are in their front yards watching this circus of horrors going on in my front yard. About that time two police units come down the street with lights flashing. They stop, get out, draw weapons, and order me to the ground with my hands behind my head. They assumed I was some kind of domestic abuser and figured the lady in my front yard was my beaten wife. This snapped her out of it a bit and she told them what was going on (they didn't care what I had to say). They let me up. I'm an educated man in an upscale suburban neighborhood and I'm living out my own Cops episode. Wonderful. The police follow me into the house to check on my wife's welfare. She has locked herself in the room and won't come out claiming she's going to kill herself. They tell her they're about to break the door down which also snaps her out of her craziness.
They leave and apologize to me for everything that is happening. Tell me to keep a level head. I'm still in shock so I haven't reacted in any way yet. That was to come later.
What followed was about 2 years of pure hell. Alcohol (I had never been a drinker and now I can down a bottle of Jack with the best of them), drugs (I have chronic pain from a service-related injury so the VA hospital gives me an endless supply of Vicodin), suicidal level depression, separation, crying, screaming, sadness, hate, etc. It was pure hell.
For my MLC I bought a motorcycle and started up a band. For hers she had a PA with our neighbor for about a year. I have the entire truth now. They did things that she and I have never done in our entire married lives. Not because I didn't want to but because she thought they were disgusting and degrading. I loved her and respected her so I never pushed it. To me marriage is about compromise. Give and take. You can sometimes want things your way but not everything. You have to be unselfish. At least that's how I feel.
Well, it's two+ years later. We're still in counseling. Never did divorce. She lost her career over this. He lost his career and family over this. His wife hates my wife with every fiber of her being. I have been close to divorce many times. I just didn't know how I can get over this. I've never really believed in God (was raised in a purely atheist house) but I think I do now. When I was teetering on whether I can forgive (and forget, you have to do that too), I was leaning more toward D. She had moved back in for the sake of our daughter (the A crushed my wife and D's relationship, she hated her mother for two years and my D put on close to 40 lbs in that time). I was feeling limbo. I knew I couldn't trust her. The A was long gone. She never had real feelings for the guy. Always loved me with all her heart.
The A was an escape from a life that she wasn't sure she really wanted since she had never been single and willing to explore everything. She figured she'd get it out of her system and they'd both move on and their spouses would be none the wiser. Oops.
I've evolved from hating cheaters with ever fiber of my being to trying to understand what was going on in their head that would allow them to break the most sacred vow I think a person can make in their lifetime...
Maybe it's silly to base this on what happened but the sitch was my WW was back home. We were going to attempt R. I could barely look at her and definitely couldn't touch her.
She was remorseful and willing to do whatever it took to help me. I doubt she'll ever know how bad she hurt me. I would have walked through the fires of hell for this woman. If hell is real and she was to go there because of this I'd have to ask St. Peter if I could give up a spot in heaven and join her. I love this woman with all my heart. She knew that too which is another reason this hurt me so bad.
Anyway, I'm on the fence about D or R. Leaning toward D. Felt like I was really detaching. Envisioning myself moving on and eventually meeting someone else and not feeling bad about that. Just a little earlier this year she goes to her normal annual health screen. Mammogram comes back with something suspicious. Test come back positive for breast cancer. My heart felt like it exploded. All my doubts disappeared in a microsecond. I realized one undeniable truth. I still loved this woman with all my heart no matter what she had done. I was crushed by this news and went into full on supportive husband "we'll get through this mode." Well fortunately for us it was very small and localized. Surgery then some routine chemo/radiation and a clean bill of health. If it was God it was a horrible way to snap me out of my funk/indecision but I do think him for it.
It showed me how I really felt. It hit me like an epiphany that I loved her and she loved me. That is all that matters everything else is just the noise of life. Noise that can sometimes be deafening but is still just noise and can be dealt with.
Although this thing almost killed us both I still think I got off lucky. I became a junkie of these sites and books and movies about infidelity. If I ever seem like I have any wisdom on this subject it's only because I made every single mistake you can make but I learned from them. Camelot never was. Nobody lives Camelot. Marriages have to be maintained like everything else in your life (house, cars, lawn, your body, etc.) or they will break.
As for feeling lucky I say that because my wife never had plans to leave me or run off with her OM. I didn't have to deal with that. I've read so many of your stories about that happening and I couldn't feel worse for you. All I can suggest is get counseling and coaching. The experts here are very good. When I started to make real progress was when I swallowed my pride (I always thought I could fix anything), surrendered myself to the process, accepted there's a higher power, and let the process work. I knew that either way I was going to survive and for us it worked out. Is Camelot back? No, and it never will be. I don't want it back. It was an illusion. Today can still be rough but will get better. We love each other. That is all that matters.
I'm here because you are all my peer group now. Many of us have been through emotional stress worse than going to war. I know, I've been to war. I thought I should cover my own story before I start responding on other people's threads. Good luck to all of you and remember if you love your SO and they love you then anything else can be fixed.
So much to be learned in your story. Thanks so much for sharing. You stopped by my thread once and gave some wonderful advice. Things have taken a turn for the worse since then, but I kind of think it was meant to be.
I need to spend some quality time focusing on me; healing mentally, physically, emotionally. My husband is emotionally/verbally abusive and doesn't realize it. Our marriage will never be reconsilable until my H discovers a lovely thing called remorse. Unfortunately, I think we'll be officially divorced before that can happen.
I don't believe in D, so will continue to DB to the best of my ability for as long as I can. I plan to pray for him daily. My hope is that while I work on myself, God is able to work on H. When he wakes up and is ready to do the work needed, we can reconcile.
I anticipate that this will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I still love the man, though. I'm willing to do what I need.
Thanks again for your encouragement. It really meant so much to me.
TXHubby, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have so much respect and admiration for you, and I am sure that your story is helping many of us DB'ers.
