I joined these boards in October 2012 when I was so lost in grief that I could barely breathe from the pain. I remember finding the boards sometime around 4 a.m. after months of sleepless nights. I think I was curled in a fetal position with grief. I had tried a bunch of stuff to lesson the pain and, here, I found others in similar situations who understood the pain of losing someone to something I couldn't understand. Watching as the man I thought was the love-of-my-life morphed into an insensitive bastarrd who seemed to think only of himself. Causing destruction and breaking my heart/our daughters' hearts in ways I could never have imagined. He became a monster capable of cruelty towards the three people and pets who always were his staunchest cheerleaders. Today, I'm waiting on the final divorce papers.
This journey has forced me to face my deepest fears... The fears that I wasn't capable of supporting myself or my kids. I've had to confront just about every dark monster hiding in my own closet. Today, things I handle daily are things I would consider nightmares a few years ago.
Today, I'm living in my dream place. I'm earning my living in my dream profession. I have a future ahead of me which feels hopeful and, most of all, FUN.
Had I remained married to Matt... I don't know. He has some serious problems and he never had the courage I have to take risks. He liked me being a certain person which wasn't necessarily the person God intended me to be.
He seemed to simultaneously NEED me to weak and strong all at the same time. If I showed too much strength, he got angry. He moved away.
Today, I'm living a life which is much more authentic to who I am. I won't say we couldn't have achieved this while married, because I believe in marriage and I still believe God brought us together for a reason. I also believe Matt boldly ignored all of God's pushing and prodding to face his issues within the marriage. Some people avoid God's will at all costs... sadly.
Main Lesson I've learned, in about one million ways, and only gets validated over and over and over and over as time wears on... IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT NEVER WAS ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT HIM.
Last time I saw Matt, at the final divorce hearing... he looked like death personified. He looked about 10-20 years older than his actual age. Our 21-year-old daughter asked him if he had cancer. My mother who has known him since he was a child, didn't recognize him. This is what "finding his happy place" (something he told me at the beginning he was doing...) My daughter and I walked away from that hearing haunted by his image, realizing he probably won't be around to enjoy the retirement he has lived for... and, if he does, I can't imagine it will be the Utopia he imagined.
We all have issues. These men and women in MLC have deep, hidden issues from childhood which trump most problems in life. They are adept at hiding their problems and their true selves. I think many of them lead lives of a chameleon, pretending to be the person they think they need to be to fit. In our case, I truly believe Matt felt safest with us and felt the closest to his true self with us... and, that was precisely the problem. Ironically, that feeling of safety with us, was the kiss of death for our family. He needs to be surrounded by negativity and unhappiness to feel comfortable.
The love in our family was uncomfortable for him and didn't mesh with the POS he believes himself to be. It was uncomfortable and coping well through life's normal ups-and-downs isn't something these MLC individuals seem able to do.
We married July 6, 1991.
Matt and I were friends since I was 12 and he was 14. After meeting me, he said he was going to marry me someday. We developed a close friendship through high school. Our families were old friends. His dad was the best man at my parents' wedding. He was my best friend when my dad left my mom for his secretary. Matt has a history of substance abuse and a really strange relationship with his very controlling, mentally-ill mom. He was the product of a college fling...at least that's what I've pieced together. I don't think his parents ever actually married. But, his mom married my dad's best friend when Matt was about 2 years old. His biological father left and gave up all rights to his son. The bio. dad remarried and had three more children about 15 minutes from where Matt was raised, but never made any effort to see Matt. The situation is sickenly similar to what Matt has done to our two daughters... although he waited until they were were much older, 9 and 17, to bolt.
I was given my bomb drop in December/January 2012.
Sometime in January, I discovered a phone number on our cell phone bill which I didn't recognize. There were many texts and calls. He insisted he had a "friendship" with a sales rep from work. He said there was nothing to it, just a friendship.
Matt moved out in late January 2012.
In August... my 9-year-old daughter and I were driving to fireworks on July 4 and noticed Matt's Jeep broken down on the side of the road. He was with a woman I knew. The furthest person from a sales rep... covered in tattoos from head-to-foot, a known drug user, on disability for some psychological disorder.
Within weeks, the truth came out and I realized he had moved her into an apartment with some friends and they were essentially living together. They have been together, off-and-on, since.
There was one moment of brief clarity for Matt aroub 1.5 years after he left. He said he would go to rehab for his alcoholism and get counseling for the other problems. He broke things off with the OW and started seeing our kids regularly. It lasted about 3 months. I sensed when he broke away again. He quit his job, took another job about an hour from our home and said he was starting fresh. She followed him and brought the drugs and parties along. He caved and he disappeared deeper into the hole. He went months and months without seeing or communicating with our kids.
A year ago, I forced myself to break ties and accept that the old dream was dead. I took a job in upstate NY and moved the girls and I north. Matt was livid. I knew he'd either snap outta it or moved further away.
He made things a living hell for us and dragged the divorce proceedings to ridiculous heights.
He wouldn't let go. He wouldn't come back.
Now, he has baggage trailing behind him which, I believe, chases him like a shark, constantly circling. He has become the person he fought so hard to avoid... the deadbeat alcoholic, someone who goes years without talking to his kids, has gone months without financially supporting his kids...
Last time I talked to him, he unloaded on me all his anger at my moving to Asheville. He was furious I would move again. For someone who claims to have moved on... he was full of seething anger towards me for claiming MY dream.
The dream I had last night:
We were in the family room of the home where I grew up. It was the room where Matt and I hung out as teens... flirting, wrestling, talking... He looked like the healthier version of his adult self.
At some point, he began unloading on me and blaming me for the demise of our marriage. I remember silly stuff... like he was claiming he had the right to leave me and have an affair because I didn't keep the lawn mowed CORRECTLY after he left.
I took it. I sat and took it while he added more and more shid to my list of "wrongs."
At some point... after a while... I fought back. I confronted the issue which--in my honest opinion-- is the basis of all our problems. I told him his mother was crazy and he felt some misaligned loyalty to her. I told him she was mentally unstable and needed help... like needed some serious help. I began screaming at him and wrestling him to the ground, all the while telling him how crazy his mother was, his family enabled her and how it had destroyed our marriage.
Then, he disappeared. He was gone.
I felt sad. I felt the sadness I always feel when he pops back in my life and then "poof" is gone.
Then, he poofed back into the room, but with all these strange things growing out off his head and chest... like coral. He looked bizarre and in pain and icky. But, I was relieved he was back.
I think I calmed down. I calmly told him how I believed his mother was sick and he needed to face the issues he had with her. But, deep down, I knew he was too afraid.
Then... we were kneeling in front of each other in that family room where we flirted so long ago... I saw his true self in front of me... not the alcoholic... but, the true Matt and I hugged him and kissed him. I begged him, "Don't leave me."
I told him how scared I was for him. I told him how much this hurt and how much I loved him and didn't want him to leave me or go because I was afraid of what he would do to himself.
And, I woke up... but, I didn't want to wake up because I knew I had just spoken to him in a strange sorta cosmic conversation which only happens once-in-a-lifetime and that he was gone and I couldn't recapture the dream moment. It was gone... He was gone.
And, today, I get on with my life.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Now it's time to focus on the current chapter in your life. Life your life to the fullest. I think the house sharing is a wonderful way to go and you and your daughter are now forced to learn to interact w/others and you are doing to see a huge difference in both your attitude and your daughter's.
You have to learn to accept that you did everything humanly possible to save your marriage and you couldn't....why? Because it wasn't about you at all, but about him and he is the only one that can fix himself. He's a broken man and some don't return to earth more mature and responsible. Will he be one of them? Who knows...but I'm going to say this one more time, live your life to the fullest and do not look back...look forward to the horizon and know that each and every day will get better and better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Umm....re: the dream - Remember that dreams are not always as straightforward as they appear. And why this one SEEMS obvious, I want to suggest a possible alternate interpretation:
Quote:
I've kept my distance from my mother and I only reach out when I'm in a good place. I learned she told my daughter, "Don't be like your mother," in relation to setting stiff boundaries from the crazies in my family. That hurt. However, I didn't even bother to address it. I was kind and just filled my mom in on my new life. In our last conversation... when I filled her in on my new home and so forth... I could hear anger in her voice. When things go well for me... I hear my mom SAY nice things... I'm so happy... but, I SENSE the anger underneath. I don't know why. I'm braver than she is. I don't settle for mediocre and abuse and I'm guessing that has created some resentment. Whatever.
What's the possibility that the dream was really about your OWN mother, not his?
I do believe my issues with Matt are very entwined with my mom. Matt is my mom in a lot of ways. Very kind and gregarious outwardly, very narcissistic and sometimes mean to those closest.
I don't know. In the dream, I felt as if I was saying my goodbye or, at least, accepting where he is today. Sorta giving him a strange, painful blessing to make his own choices. I'm not sure.
For now, I'm going to go to Steak-n-Shake. Why? Because I'm NOT IN ALMOST CANADA ANYMORE! Woo Hoo.
Going to go have some Asheville fun ;-)
Please note: This may involve bongos, friendly hippies and street musicians.
Living the dream ;-)
Is it ironic that Matt who smokes weed daily is about the most anal, negative person I could now know and Heather??? She is house-sharing and smiling and laughing and loving life... Go figure!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Sitting on our front porch, deep in the mountains this morning, Louisa looks at me with a big smile on her face and says, "Is this what 'happy' feels like?"
Wanted to share the moment on here.
I have been exploring my money issues and digging deep. I am gaining a lot of clarity around this obstacle in my life and beginning to understand the How and Why and Way Out with some kindness to myself. I see the dance Matt and I played out. I've looked back at myriad of unhealthy messages I received about money growing up... I see a twisted web of addictive behavior, a legit learning disability with numbers which both my daughters have inherited, sweeping/overwhelming anxiety whenever I'm faced with adult responsibilities, past trauma, unhealthy self-value and years of crisis-to-crisis-living which created a HUGE mess in my financial life... Something I'm seeing replicated in my daughter's life. All of which I'm trying to own responsibly and face with honesty. Sorta like an addict reaching through the denial.
It's so convoluted... A mess of memories... A dad who valued buying his next sports car over taking us to the dentist. A mom who took me shopping each time she didn't want to drink, but needed a "fix." My banker dad giving my mother charge of the finances and spending each Saturday morning screaming at her insults... "You are stupid." Then, my dad leaving my mother for someone who could better keep his spending in check by providing strict structure around his overspending addiction. A husband who was a chronic underachiever, but I expected him to rescue me and take care of me because I never really felt valued and cared for as a child... Then, my own unhealthy relationship with money which spilled heavily into my marriage and onto my children.
I had someone relate to me the story of a sibling who could never "get it together" and it was hard to hear, because I have been that person... But, I was able to tell this friend how, the "failure" she called her sibling... I'm certain, suffered from a huge amount of self-loathing, and like an addict, never set out to make a mess of things financially.
Anyway, I feel I have given Louisa and I the gift of time to slow down and recover. Last year, the word "Frantic" seems to define my frame of mind and situation... I was Frantic to keep my job, Frantic to impress my impossible-to-impress employers, Frantic to remain afloat despite the high rent and months without child support, Frantic to divorce and Frantic to avoid the pain which came from divorcing. FRANTIC has been replaced by some much-needed rest and time for honesty with myself and my own part in all of this. For the first time in my life I feel that life isn't a monster ready to pounce and rip me from limb-to-limb. Such a horrible way to live daily... But, that's the reality of the daily anxiety I've experienced since I was child... which, as a side note, gives me the permission I need to forgive myself for all the avoidance. When life is repeatedly harsh and painful, retreating to the safest place, within, is sometimes the best option... until it isn't anymore and causes more pain.
Sent Matt our new address/my new North Carolina phone number. He responded, finally, after 24-72 hours of no response with Thanks. Can I have Cal (our 21-year-old's phone number)... Wha?? He's texted her at that number. I know he has. Anyway. I didn't respond, but related the message to Cal.
Minus the Frantic, I'm feeling some sadness, but not like it was. It's manageable, almost cathartic. Still feel pulled to him/drawn to him... but, without the urgency or codependency... More like I'm pulled in that direction, but accepting that I'm not the one who needs to make the effort. I've exhausted myself on that front. I'm safely away from him and the chaos he brings to my life.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It blows me away time after time you hear the left behind spouse finds themselves and we are happy WE make our lives work..what seemed impossible when the crises started
I too feel the same I have created a good life and MLC was the catalyst
and the MLCer, seems to still be lost, for some many many years later, still in the crises living in a mess of a life sad.
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I am glad to read that you are well and living in beautiful Asheville. I can relate to so much about your situation and how grief and fear are so intertwined at the beginning for those of us receiving the BD.
MLC is a hideous thing and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. The man I knew and loved destroyed/abandoned everything and everyone. You are right that it is not about the marriage. People who end their marriages because of the marriage don't hit self destruct with their careers, children, parents and long time friends.
I am so glad you are healing. I feel a different tone in your posts and a peace.
Sending you love and encouragement as you embrace your authentic self.
{{{hugs}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Just popping in and read your update. Love you, lady. You are amazing. I mean, holy shid. Look how far you've come? Keep going. Your openness and willingness to lay it all out there is so so brave. You are an inspiration to us all.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
