Falling forward, not back.

[Painter]

BT, how are you doing?

[V2pt0]

So things are going well for me other than this annoying cold that will not go away. I have been keeping myself super busy with GAL.

*Last Monday agreed on grant funding for some wonderful art projects for the public schools in the community.
*Hosted my 4th Meetup on Thursday. My Meetup group is up to 70 members!
*Went out for HH on Friday with some girlfriends.
*Did some fall yard work and cleaning over the weekend.
*Last night went to another Meetup to listen to some Bluegrass in a pub and met some single women I would be keen to be friends with.
*This afternoon Unstart my art class and have a committee meeting.

Have not initiated any contact with H other than sent TM about some necessary finance stuff and about requesting that he please communicate if he is taking things from house. So I am pretty much in NC right now. I also responded to an email from him about wanting to watch the dog while I am away for Thanksgiving and work on the bathroom. I said happy for him to take the dog and that we need to discuss bathroom further. Mostly because I think we still need a few supplies to finish the job. I was pleasant but firm in all exchanges. No response back about the dog or bathroom. He really does not try to communicate with me at all since I filed, which is sad. Kind of hard to work on showing changes when there is virtually NC.

I do miss him and still think about him each day. I have a hard time with the fact that after 14 years that he treats me as if I don't exist. I know absolutely zero about his life right now and I don't ask. I mean I know I had my issues for sure, but to walk away with no effort. I don't know that I will ever understand how someone can do that. While I have made huge strides since BD, I still have some really sad days. For whatever reason, especially the past two weeks.

One of the women I meet last night who is divorced, told me about how her H cheated on her with her BF. Double betrayal! They divorced and he married her BF. That ended up in D too. He did eventually express regret and remorse to her. I wonder if I will ever get that from my H. He is pretty stubborn, so I don't see him having a change of heart and trying to work on M after he has been so adamant it is over.

Other than that, I finished my financial disclosures. H's lawyer said to my L that H was going to come in this week to start working on settlement proposal. Not sure how as we have not done appraisal on house. We also still need to go through home items. H is making no effort to start process. Should I start pushing this since I filed or let him take initiative? He seems to bring pushing through on D paperwork, but nothing that involves dual work/ communication.

[Zephyr]

Looking Great BT on the GAL!!!


Wish you luck with the rest.

And yes, he WILL regret losing you. period. how or if he ever would express it to you or in any way is a matter of his pride / shame.

[Painter]

You certainly know how to GAL! It's good to keep busy, but I'm not surprised that you hurt and have bad days.

I can't understand how people can move on like they do, either. I'm in a place where I'm feeling ready to let H go, and it *still* hurts terribly! I guess running as fast as you can is another way of trying to cope with the pain? Maybe he's thinking that NC and rushing the D will bring him out on the other side faster. There has to be an element of denying one's own feelings in there.

When it comes to what to do or not to do on your part, I guess you should just look at what benefits you the most. If it's in your own interest to let more time pass, let him do it.

[V2pt0]

Wow, I has been almost a month since I have posted. To be honest it has been nice to spend some time away from being so focused on this. Seems as though time has been flying by and can't believe it has now been eight and a half months since BD.

Very little to report about H. It has been a month and a half since we have had a conversation and that was at the last counseling session. Any communication has been by text, which has been very little and all initiated by H. His last text was a couple of weeks ago asking about whether I took care of the sprinkler system. I was pleasant, but to the point that I took care of it. I have thought about trying to reach out on a couple of occasions, but always end up opting not to, so I am still in NC. I am pretty detached at this stage, but it is hard not to be when there is zero interaction. I have been fully dropped by H as if I no longer exist, and if I am honest, it does hurt if I think about it too much. It does cause moments of questioning my self-worth and I have to fight against those feelings and remember this is about H and his crisis more than me being a horrible person. I just don't understand why he does not try to talk to me at all. Even to discuss D stuff.

As for me, I am doing ok. I was sick with a lingering cold that lasted about 5 weeks, so that put a damper on GAL. I also fell into a bit of a depressive state during that time, but I am starting to get out of my funk. I just did not feel like doing anything. I think it was a mix of the bending holidays, being sick, winter like weather, and work challenges. I went to a fun party this weekend and had a great time. I have had multiple people say that they have noticed that since all of this happened I have more light in me, am more fun to be around, that I am looking great, and my personality is showing more. Thank you DB!! Other than that, I have been working on some deep cleaning of the house, purging some things, organizing, and rearranging furniture. Must say things look great.

H's L sent over a settlement proposal to my L today. Just made me irritated looking at the numbers. My L said we can delay until after the holidays, which I agreed to. I don't want to deal with it all now since the added emotions with the holiday might make it hard to stay rational. I am sure that will not make H happy, but I need to stay focused on my mental and emotional well-being.

I have also been debating what to do with inlaws and the holidays. I opted to do the nice/right thing and put a Thanksgiving card in the mail today even though I have not heard one word from them since I filed, which I find hurtful. I have known these people for 14 years. We were not close, but we were friendly. I guess that is what D does.

I'll try and get caught up on everyone's threads this week. Off to Indiana on Wedneday to see my parents and brother, so looking forward to spending time back at home. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

[Zues126]

Good to hear from you BT. I'm not posting much right now either but am still following some sitches even if I'm just lurking. Definitely wanted to say hello.

It takes time for sure. Wow, I am 17 months in now. And while I've been detached from STBX for quite a while now, there is a difference between being detached and reaching acceptance. I have still been fighting through an awful lot of pain, sadness, regret, disillusionment, anger, fear, stress, and cynicism. The good news is that I'm making progress on those fronts and am much closer to the point where I am truly ok where I am. Not faking it until I make it. Not choosing to be positive and appreciative while I'm bleeding inside. But actually being good with where I'm at. Not being glad for the D either, I didn't say that. But just ok with the life I've been given.

Check out my post. I'll have to update it and tell people about the outcome. But it was a pretty cool experience. Very profound. The funny part is that my hypnotist had some scented oils I could choose from for our session. She said I should try one called "forgiveness" and that it would be good for me. I asked her if she had any bottles of "burn in hell". It was pretty hysterical. Maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, keep on this road. I know 9 months in it got easier for me to cope...but it gets easier to actually heal. The hardest part for me was that part of me wanted to hold on to the pain because I thought letting it go was endorsing divorce. Now I realize they are two different things. Glad you're feeling healthier. Hang in and check in again.

[Painter]

Hi BT, good to hear from you! And glad you're finally over the cold, wouldn't be surprised if it had a lot to do with the stress levels you've experienced.

I think your decision to postpone the paperwork and money discussions until after the holidays is a good one, not just in itself, but because it shows that you prioritize yourself and your emotional well-being.

Enjoy your time with family, it's a good time to have those who love you most, near.

I'm on a slow rollercoaster with H, it seems. Every time I think it's over and that he has no feelings for me and is just cake-eating, he seems to sense it and makes an effort to get things back on track. Still not sure if this is the kind of R I want, but I'm giving him every chance...

[Concept]

It seems that the gal is so important I am still putting way to much time and effort into trying to save my marriage and time and effort Ito my wife I think I should call her my ex wife

[V2pt0]

I hope everyone in DB land had a great Thanksgiving. I have been having a wonderful time with my family. Lots of eating, shopping, conversation, etc. very little focus on my H, which has made getting through the first major holiday without H fairly bearable.

Just before Thanksgiving, H had sent me text question about watching dog. I had some questions for him as well, so opted to try something different and called him to respond/ask my questions versus texting. I needed to know about his car mileage and a couple of other things. He seemed annoyed with that decision and was combative. I stayed pleasant and ended call before he could get to me. He made a comment to the affect of "you called for that?" Sent text to him afterward that I was sorry that asking some simple questions seemed to bother him. I should have ignored it. He then asked follw up question in text about why I asked about mileage, which I did not bother to answer.

So, if you all recall, H decided that over Thanksgiving while I was going to be away, that he wanted to watch the dog and finish off the bathroom that he tore apart over a year ago while he was unemployed. I received text from him on Thanksgiving pointing out that I did not respond to his previous text the evening before and then asked me about bid I had received for someone to finish off bathroom. There was no acknowledgement that it was actually Thanksgiving, so I responded by first saying I hoped he was enjoying Thanksgiving with his family and to tell his parents I said Happy Thanksgiving in the event they had not received my card I had sent. He completely ignored this and did not bother to make any sort of similar gesture toward me and my family. Also, have not received any acknowledgement of card from his parents either. Nice. Apparently, H still has lots of anger and hostility towards me by the way he is acting.

Anyway, later on Thanksgiving H sent text asking if I will now split cost to have someone finish bathroom. Clearly he is still too busy with his career and OW to finish like he proposed a few weeks ago. I sent response that I would get back to to him when I am back from my trip. I am torn on what to do. I really to don't want to spend more money since I already paid for the $2000 plus in supplies and materials since he was not working when theses things were purchased. He has been given ample time to finish (soon to be over a year), but opted to focus his free time when he was not working on having affair. Plus, this will affect appraisal that could work in my favor to afford keeping house/buying him out. Any thoughts on how to deal with this latest request?

[Pax_luv]

Hello BT,
I am in no way experienced to help answer your question about the bathroom remodel... Just wanted to pop in and say kudos to you for making it through thanksgiving! It was also my first holiday without h and it was tough, but bearable too.

Actually, from a newbie perspective, I think it was brave of you to try something new and make the call vs text. To me it shows confidence! And it changes the environment a bit! I think you are right though... Following up with the im sorry text may not have been necessary. Anyway- keep on keeping on! Have a great rest of the day.