Thanks tl2 and Fogg. Your responses keep me sane and remind me not to become Chicken Little.
I must have a game plan or I will be thrown off by my affection for my ex-fil. I will stand behind my decision to have NC btw kid and OW and back it with the court counsellor's suggestion.
No to taking the kid overseas without me as well. That would be stretching the parenting agreement too far.
If he asks that I try for R, I will stick to my script that there is no point for a R if OW is still in the picture and the X isn't willing to have NC. Well, the existence of the OW and the X's unwillingness to have NC were why the previous 2 attempts at R failed.
I have to get on with my life. I think the ex-fil finds it hard to understand how I will want to get on with my life if there isnt an OM in the picture. Funny how they are projecting their guilt over the A on me. I tried telling him over and over again that even though I have feelings for his son, and I will love to have a complete family again for the sake of kid, it just can't be. And it's not me, it's the X who has to realise what it is that he wants to fight for.
I have intel that the X was supposed to have married the OW right after the D and move in with her. I guessed as much from his actions and his eagerness to push ahead with the D. That is why I keep steeling myself and kid for this punch in the gut.
The X insists that just because he's seeing her doesn't mean he's going to marry her. He says that just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean I am going to marry him. I told him that I date with a long-time commitment in mind. No FWB for me.
So many lies. I wonder if he realises he's insulting my intelligence.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I wonder if he realises he's insulting my intelligence.
Important thing is that YOU realize it!
I went through a period where my W would look me in the eyes and lie to my face or use half-truths to twist things in her favor. She did that often enough and I became mush-minded enough (which is totally the opposite of how I typically am) that while I didn't believe her I eventually learned how to live with all the vagueness and spin. Took me a long time to snap out of it and she still has a way of getting to me like that if I let her.
No one has ever been able to do that before. I am typically an aggressive, confident person. I somehow rewired my thinking with her over time. Really messed me up.
Yes, tl2, these WAS really have a way of messing with our minds...
Then again, his complaint was that I didn't make him feel like a man. The feminist in me rankles and feels insulted for having to dumb myself down. The best part is that I did ask for his opinions but he would always say that we shouldn't have 2 indian chiefs. And now he says that I have never, the key word is never, asked or respected his decision.
So I am going to do some major mindreading here and infer that what he meant was that he needed words of affirmation and that I could have shown respect in ways that doesnt insult my intelligence but would have built him up.
I suppose this is a big takeaway for my next relationship, whoever it may be with.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
He still sounds like he dealt with you in a very passive-aggressive manner. That could be his personality, or it could be a part of your dynamic together.
Men don't need women to make us feel like men. Men want women to accept our manhood (no pun intended...well, maybe!) and be woman enough to appreciate it and deal with it.
I don't know how things worked with you guys, but we feel like men when we make good, healthy decisions as men and stick to them. Period. When we men diminish ourselves by accepting less from a mate who isn't willing to give it, we all go down an unhealthy road. We end up compromising our manhood away because we don't want to be alone, we think it's the new-age sensitive thing to do, etc.
Then again, his complaint was that I didn't make him feel like a man. The feminist in me rankles and feels insulted for having to dumb myself down. The best part is that I did ask for his opinions but he would always say that we shouldn't have 2 indian chiefs. And now he says that I have never, the key word is never, asked or respected his decision.
So I am going to do some major mindreading here and infer that what he meant was that he needed words of affirmation and that I could have shown respect in ways that doesnt insult my intelligence but would have built him up.
I'll bite on this since (again) this is exactly what I would think about W. I'll start by saying he's going to be stuck and thinking only about the times he didn't feel like a man because of how you treated him. When he said you "didn't treat him like a man", the way I would see W doing that was how she talked down to me. How she would disrespect me and always seem to have an attitude with me. Yes, words of affirmation and there were times when I didn't get them that I would resent her for it. How could she me such a bitch to me all the time? I took it personal and felt she didn't see me as a man. So there's the nugget of truth of how he felt at that time.
The other side of this, since I now realize there's so much more to it. It's very likely this was only a phase and it was because he treated you the same way at some point also, you might have even had the same feelings and can relate to the above. There's also his own insecurities that fed into his actions where he expected you to make him feel like a man but he didn't feel like one himself. He, just like me, didn't act in any way a man should and on some deep down level knew that. We were looking for validation we weren't such a POS and when we didn't get it from our partner it only made us feel worse about ourselves. It's not that you didn't make him feel him a man, it's that you reminded him he didn't feel like one himself. When people scratch those deep wounds we end up reacting anf lashing out. So with all things, what was about him and not you.
So your last paragraph, yes you could have. But you were also dealing with your own internal things so the cycle of lashing out kept going back and forth. Both of you are responsible for it continuing. He's still responsible for his issues and you yours. It's easier not to get defensive and react when we realize things aren't personal. People act because of their own deep issues.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yes, he does have a tendency to be passive-aggressive. Part of him, part of me, and part of our dynamics.
I guess for him, it really is an ego thing. His family dynamics weren't the healthiest, and he was a fat kid. Didnt and still don't have a lot of friends.
Outwardly, I seem to be the more successful one. More friends, more outgoing, more go-getting, more successful in my career.
He always didn't understand why I have this urge to be upwardly mobile. He's had most things handed to him on a platter. Me, I've had to fight for what I want. That's because of my background too. He feels that I am too dramatic, passionate, just too too much for him to handle.
And ahem, he did say something similar to what you said about manhood... And he probably meant in all aspects of it too...
He has a lot of issues to work with and I have always tried to show that I am with him. Not against him. But I can see how I could have been warmer and show the side I show to my kid and my friends.
Because, because I don't always have that biatchy resting face. I can be silly, I can be warm, I can be flirtatious, I can be coy. I can be very loyal and I would have caught a grenade for him, even if I did it with a BRF.
I can be so so so many things but he just never gave me the opportunities to show him this side of me. Or maybe he did and I was too angry with having to juggle too many balls.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
