Pho's thread continues......

[gonegrl]

Thank you for all of the support and wise words from my last thread. I want to respond to each of you individually, JellyB, Mutatio, Calibri, Mahhhty, becky, Mona, but I barely slept last night and I am just making it through today. I truly appreciate all of your words, you are all correct, you are helping me so much. But right now, I am so tired that my words are not coming.

I am also hurting so badly, just feel like I am going to collapse from stress. And I do know I need to detach. Lack of sleep is making this hard.

I know what I need to do. Detach, find a job, surround myself with positive GAL. I know all this, I have been doing this, I will do better. I will, these are not just words, I promise each and every one of you who has been giving me your shoulder to cry on that I will get through this and I will do better.

But last night I did not sleep, and today I just need to cry. And curl up under a blanket. I just need to be sad and heart broken today.

Tomorrow I have a really fun party to attend with my women's group. Friday is IC and then a fun weekend with my kids. H is going to be out of town. I am taking my kids to the movies, finishing decorating, taking our Christmas pics, and taking the kids Christmas shopping. Next week is packed with activities. My S9 is home with me (he had an eye appointment and his eyes are so dilated I didn't send him back to school.) So I am making him cookies and letting him watch tv all afternoon.


Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2627182#Post2627182

[SciDad]

But last night I did not sleep, and today I just need to cry. And curl up under a blanket. I just need to be sad and heart broken today.

(((pho))) I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly.

Sometimes a cry is the very best thing you can do. Let go of the pain. Own your feelings. Only then will you be able to breathe in the promise of a new day.

On a lighter note, what kind of cookies are you making? Save one for me to have before I go to bed, OK? :p

[gonegrl]

SciDad, I tried to have a cry but it wouldn't come out! And the cookies I invented last year and apparently forgot to write down the recipe and my memory isn't that great so they are not nearly as good as they were. Last year I had this white chocolate cranberry cookie from Starbucks that was "ok" but I knew I could do better, so I went home and perfected it and turned it into an almond shortbread based cookie loaded with cranberries, white chocolate and sliced almonds. It was amazing.

This batch is a crumbly mess but I am eating it with a spoon. If you come and chip my ice on an icy morning I will give you a spoonful of cookie mess!

I just spent the last 30 minutes submitting counseling receipts to our insurance company, so I feel like I at least accomplished something.

H texted me to see which weekend his parents could visit before he leaves. That was good communication vs. surprise visits. There is only one good weekend- next weekend- before he leaves. I wanted so badly to ask him to go away with me that weekend and leave the kids with the IL's but that would be pursuing. And what fun is it to go away with someone who hates me? I am a slow learner, but it is sinking in.

Maybe I will find a boyfriend and run away next weekend, LOL. That would be GAL and a 180 and detachment all in one. Maybe next year. My life will move on one way or another, we will see what 2016 will bring.

[SciDad]

Meh, boyfriends are over rated. Start dating yourself instead. If someone happens to join you, even better.

I still want those cookies. I'm pretty sure your "bad" cookies are better than anything I've made. I'll be over with an ice scrapper tomorrow

I'm with you on the no pursuing next weekend. I actually wanted to do the same thing when I heard my in-laws were coming. Not so much now that I know things haven't changed much, but I understand where you're coming from. And honestly not pursuing may actually help him in some weird way....

[Mona52]

Pho,

If you want to go away, go. Your life is yours. You can do as you please. His family is not your concern, he is not your concern. The more ACTION you take to make yourself happy the faster you will get to the other side of this mess.

If it makes you feel any better, I was up all night with you last night. Tossing and turning, ugh. It is like torture to me. So this morning I bought myself a silly t-shirt with Yoda on it. I dont need H to make me feel better, I know best what I like.

You know best what you like!

[Butterc]

Pho, I too was tossing and turning with you and Mona. Less than 6 hours of interrupted sleep.

You explain your sitch so well. I feel I should be more detached at this time. (I'm very hard on myself) Yesterday I was sniffly, D16 asks if I'm ok, and I told her sometimes I just need a good cry, to which she agreed.

Not to turn this to myself, but know that it really helps me follow your road. Thanks for posting.

[Dawn70]

So sorry you are not sleeping and having such a rough time. I went through that too and I can promise you it does get better. We all find what we need in our own time, but detaching is a really good thing for your peace of mind. Hang in there and know you have prayers and support.

[Dawgs]

Hi Pho! Hope you are doing well. Been thinking about how things are going for you. Seems that we are traveling the same path and in the same boat due to our spouses' past issues.

I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.

Pho, I know this statement of yours has been talked of before but allow me to weigh in, also. It seems that talking with you is very helpful to me due to how similar our situations are.

As like you, I do not think I am to blame in my situation but I know I had a role in how things turned out, too. It seems that my W's childhood and past has so "messed her up" that she knows nothing more but to escape - and sometimes I feel that is into an almost alternate reality. Like you, I get the blame for everything. Everything. Our entire marriage was twisted to where there really were no good times. Imagine that. Her latest is that I didn't protect her. Kind of hard to do when for 10 years I never knew of most of this stuff, eh? She told me of a recent counseling session where her counselor flat out told her that she (the W) doesn't even know how she feels about things - that her mind/perception has twisted so much. But, I still get the blame. Not fun.

I have been reading a bit on "emotional IQ" as it pertains to relationships. Interesting stuff. Not saying it will help out our situations, but it may help in our understanding. Check it out, sometime. I think that it would do us both good to realize that our spouses' actions ARE a direct result of their childhood. Sometimes those walls are too difficult to climb, and yet sometimes all it takes is the smallest thing to crack those walls. The trick is finding what it is. Adult survivors of childhood abuse require far more understanding than I think we (well, me) realize.

I hope you are doing well. One foot in front of the other!

[gonegrl]

Thanks Spiff. I will read up on Emotional IQ. The conversation your W had with her IC is very close to the one my H had with his. VERY close. And H keeps saying during MC that our problems are "surreal." Uses that word frequently, and I just want to smack him. Surreal? This is our life. It is not surreal. It is normal problems that normal people can work out if they so choose. It is not an alternative reality. People can, and do, come back from worse. H's response to that was "And people don't come back from less." So it will be his choice. Or mine if I decide I cannot do this anymore.

I have been so depressed lately. I thought it was more of the "I am so rejected/heartbroken" depression, the kind all of us DB'ers know all too well and has become my constant struggle in these last 10 months. But I recently realized that its different now. I am depressed FOR him. That this man is so broken. That he seems very likely to stay stuck and that is making me sad. Yes I still feel rejected and heartbroken, those feelings are still in the mix, but little by little I am starting to just feel bad for him.

I think my next step will be determining what is in the best interests of the children. Their father is "broken". He is their father no matter what, even if I file for D and get remarried ASAP to the most wonderful man in the world, H is still their father, and will always be. So how do I make sure that they are stronger than he is, that they do not pick up his depressive and angry thought patterns? That they do not go through life feeling as though they are a victim and need to blame someone- their parents, their spouse, their child, for all of their problems? On one hand I want to model great patience, love and commitment. But on the other hand, what is really the best environment for them to grow up in? I am really thinking this upcoming "break" will give me clarity.

Oh- and another topic. I slept last night! Had the worst emotional day yesterday, and then I don't know why, but I slept last night. Not great, but better than usual. I slept and when I woke this morning the first thoughts that entered my mind were not my marital issues. I wouldn't say I was feeling happy, or peaceful, but I was feeling content. Thinking about the day, what I have going on, what the kids needed for the day. H left really early this morning, I won't see him for 4-5 days, maybe that is why I feel better? I really don't know but I will take it.

[melweb]

Yah pho---you slept! I just asked for some advice on OTC sleep aids, cuz the Unisom wasn't working. Plus I was at my two week max.

I have been trying to catch up on your sitch, but , man oh man!! 10 months!! I have no words as I am new here, and just starting this long journey.

I hope you find comfort in the 4-5 day reprieve. My H travels for biz a lot, and while I used to like the separation, I feel like I pay for it on reentry. I feel like I am starting at square one again--the being cold and distant, and me having to DB like crazy.