Fogg, you are speaking like my X. This was actually what he told me in many of our R talks leading to the D. Yes, it's that 'tude again and the BRF. Maybe I should look into plastic surgery? Sigh.
No, don't feel that its something you need to change. The BRF is fine in a healthy relationship. Its when the dynamics are bad for both that its not so much, but thats on him and you.
Originally Posted By: Grlonfr
But I can see how I could have been warmer and show the side I show to my kid and my friends.
Because, because I don't always have that biatchy resting face. I can be silly, I can be warm, I can be flirtatious, I can be coy. I can be very loyal and I would have caught a grenade for him, even if I did it with a BRF.
I can be so so so many things but he just never gave me the opportunities to show him this side of me. Or maybe he did and I was too angry with having to juggle too many balls.
He knew the good sides of you. I seen all of those things from my W, they were what drew me to her and made me fall in love with her. I love her smile and the way her eyes light up when shes really happy. The creases that come out of the corners of her eyes that show how much someone smiles and laughs. It just makes me melt to see it. Her flirtatious side, I would do anything to have that toward me again. It drove me crazy in the best of ways.
What your H was complaining about and what I complained about also was later in the M things went from mostly those other good sides to the RBF. I would see them when she played and talked to the kids or when she interacted with her family/friends but when she turned to me it was like a switch went off. Early on I didn't even mind her flirting with other people because I knew that was how she was. Later on I became resentful because she still flirted with everyone, other than me. She smiled and laughed with everyone, other than me.
Sorry, letting out a little of my frustration. This was the way I thought before and only 1/2 the story. I hated she gave all her affection to others and only had me as the punching bag. The truth is I contributed to that happening just as much as she did. I was a jerk in the M and not the kind loving man she seen in the beginning. Not the helpful man who would do anything to relive come of her stress. When she looked at me she likely seen the same thing, someone who stopped doing thing. As time goes by both sides stopped doing what they did when they fell in love and blame the other for things breaking down. We just don't see it at the time, we like to ignore our own faults and focus on our partners instead.
Just like you, my W had so much on her plate that I let her do, I didn't help to take some of that burden. I justified not taking it because when I did it for a short amount of time I still got the attitude. I just looked at it like why bother. This was the mistake, I only did it to get her love instead of doing it to show my love so it never lasted long enough to mean anything. She wasn't the climber at work like you were and I never had things handed to me, so that's different, but the dynamics are still the same.
Theres a story in someones threads about dealing cards in a M. I think its in Zeus's thread but I could be wrong. I would try and remember/explain all of it but I would just end up tying a whole lot of nothing and slaughtering it.
Don't beat yourself up too much over the RBF and attitude, I don't want you to feel that because I mentioned it and talked like H that you were to blame. The dysfunction in our M's are the result of both partners, not just one. All we can do is learn our own roles in that breakdown, change it so it doesn't happen again and hope our S's do the same.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Sweet Fogg, you don't have to worry about me carrying too many monkeys on my back. I have decided to carry only mine and even then I will eventually shoo them away.
I can see how it was like for the X. And perhaps like your W, I had shown that nice side of me to everyone else but him. But like you said, he had his contributions to my RBF. Hindsight is such a bitter pill to swallow. If he or I had just perservered just a little longer, we would have met each other in the middle. Or is this wishful thinking as the OW was already in the picture?
When you channel my X like you do, I just miss him so much. I loved his cheeky smiles and his gurgling laughter.
For me, it probably is too late for the X. But Fogg, you have done so much work on yourself that you definitely are a much better Fogg.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Waiting played out well for me. The X did inform me of the change in his plans to pick up kid. So crisis averted.
I can't help but wonder if there was something different that I could have done the past few weeks? Maybe I shouldn't have called him, even if it was for kid? Maybe he felt that I was pursuing him?
It's this ambivalence that's killing me. He would ask me if I had anything else to say to him; what was it that he wanted me to say? And why when things seemed to be improving did he have to run back to the OW?
I guess I will never know and will just have to get on with my life.
Skated for 2 hours today and fell only once. Not too bad. Caught a movie with kid.
Regretted not going on a trip for the holidays as this was what we used to do. Would have been good to get away for a while.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I can't help but wonder if there was something different that I could have done the past few weeks? Maybe I shouldn't have called him, even if it was for kid? Maybe he felt that I was pursuing him?
I've gone around this particular merry-go-round a few times this year
I can tell you...it's good to evaluate what works and what doesn't, but I don't think there is any perfect combination of choices on your part that will produce the results we want with our spouses and ex-spouses. Ultimately, all of the DB choices are for US to continue growing and moving through life with strength and dignity.
So...it's good to learn from our choices, but no need to second guess. All you can do is release them to the paths they choose, and release yourself from feeling like you have to pull just the right strings. In this situation, the future we want with our WAS's has to come from their accepting responsibility and moving back toward us, and from our recognizing that it can't truly happen any other way.
Tl2 nailed it. Learn from our mistakes. Better ourselves and don't shut the door to our S possible return. They have to come to us now. And when/if they do, just think of what they will find, version 2.0 of us dbers will be amazing!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Funny how I thought of Taylor Swift's Style when I read your response.
And yes, I have gone round and round a few times like you. I need to stop feeling like I am responsible for everything. I will do what I can, GAL, have a PMA and get on with my life, regardless of whether anyone wants to join my ride.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You're funny.