6 years to get this photo...the patience of a DBer
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/11/1505:58 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
NB it aint my photo and the guy took 720,000 photos to get the perfect one !
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi, I'm glad this week is behind me. I allowed history to effect the present moment. Anyway, we really are running in parallel. Your husband is away and my wife leaves tomorrow for a business trip. I will miss her but feel like a weight been lifted off me when she's gone. Do you feel anything like that?
I google mapped the gorge you recommended, it's a 30 minute ride. You'll like this, from 2006 to 2013 I worked 9 miles from there, in Long Valley. I will go after New Years, I like cold sunny morning hikes. I've wanted to go hiking for a while but my mind over powered my heart. 2016 will be a better year.
I wanted to respond to your comments about my anger. I carry some baggage in regards to anger as you know. I thought I had it under control but never felt I tested my coping process thoroughly. Yesterday I had that spontaneous test and unconsciously used my new coping skills and moved through the anger to a emotionally balanced state. Like booze, I have had enough anger in my past for a life time. I except it when it arises like yesterday but now move through it much quicker and much less often. Do you believe anger has therapeutic benefits?
You asked "How do you feel most days? Are you depressed? Are you content? Somewhere in between? I worry that you are very hard on yourself, and living in this situation for another 2 years is really going to wear on you. I am not encouraging you to give up, just trying to get a feel for your general well being."
I am slightly down each day. Quite honesty I am to hard on myself. I can't forgive myself. It's a heavy weight on my heart. I carry it around with me all the time and nobody knows its there. The weight pushes out everything else so there is an emptiness to me. I did this. I destroyed my marriage by not being good enough. That's what I feel like everyday.
I must do this for the next 2 years. This is what my son needs, today he was begging his mother not to work so much. My son is much closer to my wife then he is to me. I don't think I will ever have as close a relationship with him as he with his mother. That's okay, I am happy to support him and help him when I can. It doesn't have to be about me.
I came by to say hi and I hijacked your thread. Please forgive me.
Hi, I copied and pasted parts of my last post to my new thread. I did not want your thread to be consumed by my issues. I am glad I posted what I did because it was an aha moment for me. I look forward to your wisdom on the new thread.
How is the incorporeal part of pho ? Has the absence had some positive effects? Any new insights about your upcoming 6 months of emotional exploration?
Thank you for posting. I was posting on your thread and then saw this, so we are in parallel today. I feel a weight off my shoulders while my H is traveling too. Although he has been staying in touch more than usual during this trip, calling and texting and really making an effort. Just a couple of months ago I would have been so excited about that, now I am seeing that I have made some progress with detachment. I am happy that he is reaching out, but it is not affecting my mood as much as it would have back then.
I used to go to the Long Valley Brew Pub frequently, it was one of my favorite places before we moved away. My cousins live there now (not at the pub!) and it is such a pretty place. I was there this summer actually. If you do go hiking, my boys always find arrow heads and cool rocks along the banks of the river there, your son might be a little old for that but it is fun to look.
As far as anger, I am learning to control mine as well. I find that when I control it, it can be therapeutic, when not controlled it just spirals out of control and makes me feel worse. Pre BD and in the months afterwards, anger used to make me feel victimized and panicky and desperate, now in the last couple of months as I have learned to manage my emotions, I feel shorter bursts of anger which leave me feeling like I have more clarity on the situation if that makes sense? I haven't thought of it before, I am glad you asked, because it has changed. It is helping me detach. I have stopped digging the husband sized hole in my yard, and stopped looking for sharp objects to throw at him, so that is progress at least. Now I feel anger and then no need to act on it.
Now that I am thinking about it, the gorge would be a great place to hide a body. LOL. You know in all the years I lived there, I think H only went hiking with me at the gorge once? And that was my happy place, I would go maybe once a week and asked him at least a hundred times.
I have been so depressed lately. I thought it was more of the "I am so rejected/heartbroken" depression, the kind all of us DB'ers know all too well and has become my constant struggle in these last 10 months. But I recently realized that its different now. I am depressed FOR him. That this man is so broken. That he seems very likely to stay stuck and that is making me sad. Yes I still feel rejected and heartbroken, those feelings are still in the mix, but little by little I am starting to just feel bad for him.
I think my next step will be determining what is in the best interests of the children. Their father is "broken". He is their father no matter what, even if I file for D and get remarried ASAP to the most wonderful man in the world, H is still their father, and will always be. So how do I make sure that they are stronger than he is, that they do not pick up his depressive and angry thought patterns? That they do not go through life feeling as though they are a victim and need to blame someone- their parents, their spouse, their child, for all of their problems? On one hand I want to model great patience, love and commitment. But on the other hand, what is really the best environment for them to grow up in? I am really thinking this upcoming "break" will give me clarity.
Hey Pho. I haven't had much to say but wanted to let you know I'm following too.
Lately I'm not sure if I'm feeling pessimistic, or if I'm just accepting reality and that it doesn't match the idealistic way I've always felt the world ought to be.
Idealistic says that there is a way people should be, and since H is depressed and angry that he is broken right now. Realistic/pessimistic says that he is just a regular guy dealing with a ton of pain and confusion at the loss of his relationship. Idealistic says he should be able to handle this better by going on forums and getting counseling, realistic/pessimistic says that this is how people in this world operate. Remember, you stepped up your game motivated by the fear of the loss of your M, he doesn't have that fear and may not be as motivated to be at his best right now.
Idealistic says that if you DB well you'll either recover your M or improve yourself and your ability to be a better partner and find a better partner and you'll have the M you want. Realistic/pessimistic says that WAH is actually a good guy, and that this is just how guys act and relationships work when things get hard, and that the vast majority these days fail.
This has been hard for me to stay balanced on. Part of the reason I was so depressed for so long was that the world fell so short of my ideals...but I've learned that positive ideals that generate nothing but negativity aren't really a good thing. And that accepting a less sugary reality can be a positive if it allows us to be appreciative of the good that does exist, even in a world that is imperfect. Of course I am dealing with pain as well and can easily let the scales swing to pessimism. For me the key is to not be conclusive about anything, to just realize I'm going through a lot, my vision is fogged just as much as a WAS's, and that I need to hold my grip on how I view the world lightly. Open minded. Less judgmental (ok, I've struggled with this one).
XW (first time I've used that, I think my D was final yesterday!) is drinking heavily, smoking cigarettes and pot, having guys spend the night while my kids wonder who's in the house with them, and frankly has shown them that when the going gets rough just tear apart a family and selfishly do what makes you happy. Horrible examples. After reading this board for 18 months I think less harshly of her, and I just realize this is how the world works. We can't change the world, we can just change our part of the world. We get to show the children that's not how OUR part of the world works. And that we get a choice on our role. And that choice is important.
WAH will be ok, he'll suffer and find his way through the way all people do. Focus on making your road an inspiration to your children and all of us. Thanks Pho.
Last edited by Zues126; 12/12/1503:11 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you Zues. I am thinking about what you are saying. I actually have a lot of empathy for my H, more than is probably healthy for me. I am not in an "abusive" situation now - and I hate to use that word because I don't think H is an abuser, but for 4 months he did abuse me while he was spewing and drinking heavily. I "let" him abuse me and I "let" this happen in a home with my children, because I felt so bad for him. Sometimes now I think about the men who "snap" and kill their families. I never felt physically threatened by my H (well except for a few times when he blocked my exit and screamed in my face but I never thought he'd hit me and he never did) , but he was completely off the wall crazy for months and I stayed in his path, and let my children be in his path. There were nights he was so drunk that he was literally falling down, screaming FU at me and saying all sorts of terrible things that he has absolutely no recollection of.
I think my H is a good man who broke down. I think he is slowly healing, and I think he is pretty close now to where he was when he broke down. So after an entire year of therapy, he is now back to square one. Its up to him if he continues healing or if he stalls out at this point. Which means I don't want to be near him when things get rough again- and with 3 kids, things will get rough again. There are going to be bumps in the road.
I have been perceiving this entire ordeal as "I am modeling compassion, love and patience and commitment" for my children. And I still do perceive it that way. But at what cost? I am hoping the 6 month break will bring clarity to the situation. I am hoping he will use that time to heal and I will use that time to move forward in my own life in a way that is beneficial to my children and myself.
