I realised that the 2nd outburst happened because we have never resolved the issues from his 1st outburst.
Yes this is how I see it unraveled in my M as well. In my case, my XW was clearly not committed to me or honoring our M (even before she cheated...assuming she wasn't cheating then as well, which she sure could've given the 3 OM I know about).
My role in the circus was to ignore her actions and believe her words because it was what I wanted to hear back then. But I didn't deal with the anger that caused in me. And she was dishonest and manipulative (always has been; I refused to see it back then).
In the end, though, I had to understand that the person I was really angry with...and which was the root cause...was myself for my denial.
The thing about angry people...they/we are really angry with themselves/ourselves for their own choices, and then the rejection, the being out of control, everything feeds back into that just like the inflow of a trop storm or hurricane.
Once that person comes to the point where they truly accept (and not just 'realize', believe, etc.) they are mainly angry at themselves, the inner storm starts breaking up. At least, that's how I experienced it.
We too plodded along. One thing though: I went to counseling and worked on the anger. I apologized to her. I told her I wanted things to be different. And I made them different from my side.
Nothing from hers really except more play acting and biding her time.
When the individual doesn't own his anger first, the couple can't progress. And it's tricky for the non-angry person because if you want the M, then you might even want to be encouraging to your spouse, but you don't want to be taken advantage of or manipulated, feel like you have to appease or walk on eggshells. The lack of stability is counter-productive to the M. That's why the angry person has to own it and calm his a-- down first
Like all life sitches...the anger can be solved by 1 person but it still takes 2 to make the marriage.
Wow, tl2, sounds like you've done a lot of thinking.
At this point in time, the X doesn't own anything- his anger, his issues, his part in the failure of the marriage. The OW, his family, they are enabling him in his self - contained bubble.
I can forsee that in the near future, or perhaps for the rest of his life, he will remain that way.
NMCMNN.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Just realised that the X and the OW started 3 years back, just before my mini-MLC. Now everything makes sense.
He had already bailed out on the marriage. His 2nd outburst was caused by the POS TP/ OW. And to think that I was killing myself all these months.
Ah, nothing like a betrayal to shred your self-esteem to pieces. I feel so so numb by all the lies that have been spun... It feels that I have been living in an alternate reality.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 12/14/1507:12 AM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
It's like I keep waking up from nightmares only to realise that reality is worse than the nightmares. And that I can no longer distinguish the nightmares from reality.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
What makes it even more painful is that it's the same old conversation:
No one in the family dares to tell the X what to do. I am strongly encouraged to wait patiently and put my life on hold for the A btw the X and the OW to run its course and oops if they decide to stay together.
He can see how the OW and the A would have contributed to the failure of the M, yet the onus is on me to stand for the M while the X binges at the dessert table. And oh yes, not to forget that I have not been as sweet and cheerful as the OW. And that kid's tantrums come from my side of the family.
Much as I still have feelings for the ex-fil, I am starting to feel very very weary of having to defend myself. He said that it takes 2 hands to clap in the M but I replied that with the TP in the picture, it's 3 hands.
Would the OW have tolerated what the X put me through? Would her late H have tolerated the type of R btw her and the X? What kind of platonic friend sleeps with a friend of the opposite sex? Oh, if that's not an A, then they are just F%%%_^;/ buddies? And what sort of woman goes in for the kill right after her H has just died? How am I supposed to feel better about all these?
Towards the end of the conversation, the ex-fil did seem to understand that once the divorce had gone through, the OW had won a big part of the war... Even if she just remained as FWB with the X, she and the X have already broken up our family.
And the hurt, did he even understand the hurt that kid and I are going through just so the POS/OW can have a bigger inheritance? That not only do I have to go through the pain of reneged on promises of what the X would financially provide, I still have to go through the pain of knowing that I am plan B?
OMG. Why do I put myself through this?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Grlonfir, yes the movie ended well. But it also could have gone the other way and been a happy ending too. IMO Gale is pretty hot. But the kids are already here so my choice has been made. I also decided during that movie that I want to learn to apply eyeliner the way Katness wore it in the movie. Sorry for the girly-girl talk to any guys on here. Seriously, she looked good. Although I am 46 so it might not have the same effect! My therapist this morning told me I that when H is around I look defeated and crushed in my body language. I need to toughen up, need to watch some more tough girl movies and get that girl on fire wardrobe. You seriously chose the best name for DB'ing.
And your situation [censored], sorry I don't have any advice. I am in an anti-spouse, anti-DB mood today, I just want to punch someone. Maybe after I eat these reese's peanut butter cups.
I am really, really sorry. I've been there. When the curtains are drawn back to reveal not only the deception and lies, but the way they allowed the blame to have been explicitly or implicitly put on you for so long...and to let you suffer with that while they know the truth and keep it from you is some of the stiffest emotional/mental pain I've ever felt.
You will get past it. I did. Takes time, spending time with good supportive people, etc.
And what sort of woman goes in for the kill right after her H has just died?
A broken one who's willing to hurt anyone to fill that void in her heart. Searching for another person to fix her instead of doing the work. I feel sorry for your H, its obvious everyone can see how much he still has feelings for you and yet hes going to continue to [censored] it up over that woman. You see it, he knows it, even FIL likely does also. I'm betting even TP knows the truth since shes trying to look/dress more like you.
Just live your life grlonfr, if he figures things out and comes back then you see where your at then.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
