Pho's thread continues......

[Ancaire]

I've got a weird one to add about OW and Facebook. I deleted my Facebook account months ago. My H had blocked me, because I kept referencing information I found on his page, and he finally figured out how I was getting information.

This behavior was unhealthy for me. The constant checking on H and his group of thugs. I just quit Facebook for the time being. It's certainly helped with my peace of mind.

However, my daughter contacted me a month ago saying that the OW was now openly on H's page. She was posting about things they were doing together. My daughter sent me screen shots of the account.

My first reaction was absolute shock. My H is no troll, but no way should a woman as good looking and young as that be interested in a middle-aged, pot-bellied, married father of five. I wondered what was wrong with her.

Then, as I kept getting forwarded more screen shots, I noticed the language was a little similar to the 28 year old girlfriend of my H's best friend. The OW was supposedly a law-school student in her mid-30's. The postings just seemed a bit TOO obvious.

I finally used google to do an image search of OW's picture. I was right to be so confused. The profile photo was an actress. The exact same photo appeared on multiple sites. I then looked at the friends. They were all somehow connected to the 28 year old troublemaker! Then, I noticed that almost as soon as "OW" made a post, the gf or one of the other thugs would post almost immediately after, using very similar language.

This GF, who apparently hates me for no reason, was fabricating a Facebook page for the sole purpose of torturing me...and H was in on it! I finally told him I was aware of the attempt to play games with me, but he should be aware one of our kids found the page first. He was furious, wondering how they knew the name of OW. I just stared at him.

The page was gone five minutes later. My H is 50 years old!!! What on earth is he doing playing games like that? That's just being petty for the sake of being petty. My H is under the influence of his 46 year old best friend's way too young girlfriend, who apparently has nothing better to do than involve herself in someone else's marital problems. I asked him how he could let them do that to me. He had no answer.

I was stunned to my core by the very meanness behind the action. I believe it was an attempt to get my focus off the real OW...who I identified months ago. He said something about it wasn't nice of me to make everyone hate her before they met her. I told him I had no sympathy or kindness to extend to a homewrecker. And my kids better not like her, after she had a hand in wrecking their parent's marriage. That just made him furious. I'm supposed to endorse his relationship with the skank? I think not.

I ran a background check on all his new friends, just to amuse myself. Boy did I hit pay dirt! Not one of them has a clean criminal record. The woman he's most interested in has over 30 arrests for thefts, burglary, bad checks, and bail jumping. He, who is so paranoid about money is dating a professional thief. I almost died laughing. I did not way a word.

All these crooks were so critical of the night I freaked out because my feelings were crushed by my husband's revelation of multiple affairs and had a wreck. The police didn't want to arrest me, and they didn't. They were forced to at a later time when his friend called to complain because he thought insurance wasn't going to pay. After my release from jail, my husband and his friend attempted to extort me into agreeing to favorable divorce terms for my husband by offering to drop the charges in exchange for agreeing to his insulting terms. I got that on audio, and now my L has it.

I've been placed in mental health care for 2 days, spent a night in jail, had my booking photo posted in two large cities on the nightly news and newspapers; according to my attorneys, my charges will likely be dropped. I will be able to expunge my one brush with the law. Everyone on the law side seemed to think H got off really easy, and my punishment was unfair. I also had to undergo an interview with my insurance company to clear the whole thing up. Insurance was satisfied I didn't do it on purpose and paid for the repairs resulting from the accident. His friends? His friends were having a field day at my expense. Considering they all did hard-time, I can kind of understand it. But...what hypocrites! H has no idea all of his friends have a record. I'm going to be mean and let him find out on his own.

I am losing all respect for H. He's chosen this route. He loves his new group of thugs/friends. He's chosen them over his family, and seems to be fine with the decision. Even if this is MLC, I don't see how he can live with himself. I'm guilty of hoping the thief/skank causes him great financial harm - as long as it doesn't harm me, too...LOL

I realize that is mean. I'm not always a good person. These people went out of their way to hurt me. I don't even know them well. I've never even met OW, but I know who she is thanks to my one day of snooping. She's 48. Her best friend is the 28 year old girlfriend. What on earth?

I'll be happy to be away from this trashy group of characters. It hurts me that H seems to be so happy with them, but he's already lost for now. His childhood must have been so much more awful than I realized.

So...that's my contribution to the snooping/evil Facebook section of your thread, Pho. LOL

[JksD]

Hi Pho, been reading up on your sitch for this thread and your family dynamics sound so similar to the 1 I had with the X.

It was a very crowded marriage... And I didn't last long enough. Funny how I thought the M imploded because of the outburst and the OW, but somehow it has become a digging up of mil's past hurts/ grievances against me.

[JulieH]

Ancaire, They are bullies. I can't believe I'm reading this. I feel like you are dealing with junior high school kids, who's brains are still developing. Your attitude is awesome and you have maintained your sense of humor. You will come out on top Just give it time. Sorry you have to deal with all this though.

Pho, my mother had to deal with a passive aggressive MIL. Not as bad as yours, but pretty bad. (I heard nurses had to kick her out of the hospital when I was born) My mom basically did not encourage us to have a relationship with her and often complained and made fun of her to us (I know, not the moral way to go and very spiteful on behalf of my mom but I could see why she did it). We ended up never taking her seriously and just laughing and rolling our eyes when it came to her. It was almost like an us vs them situation and my dad just kept out of it or probably did know. Me and siblings would end up using grandma to play practical jokes on each other. We dont go out of our way to see her now but my poor dad trecks Across the belt 3 x a week to visit.
MILs only have power when you allow them to have it.

[gonegrl]

Georgia Bulldogs. Thank you. I am going to reread your post and think on it some more. I feel like my opportunity to spy on H has passed, but I have not ruled it out. It would be the healthiest thing for me to know the truth, and at this point I am feeling this is all taking a toll on me- my jaws hurt all the time, I am fatigued, getting chest pain. Something is still wrong, my body is telling me this. I also don't think I could stand to hear H talking to ow or even to his parents about me. I heard enough. I don't want to hear more, I just want to know if it has stopped. If I do decide to record him, I think I would ask a friend to listen to the recording so I don't have to hear it. On the other hand, if he is still doing these things, I believe it will eventually come out. So there is part of me telling me to wait and time will tell. I will think on it a little more.

I also agree 100% with what you say about the IL's. I have tried to remove myself as much as possible from them, however I have 3 children and this would be a lot easier if my children were grown, or even if they were just a little older. Ironically, SIL, who has been in the family for maybe 6 or 7 years now already does this. She avoids family events and her interactions with the IL's is limited to maybe an hour or two every few months. She does not have their grandchildren though, so its easier to maintain a distance. And the SIL prior to her also did not attend family events. But my kids are still little, and most of the visits are at my house, I can't just leave.

I went to an individual appointment with our family therapist this morning. It was very interesting. She told me that my body language when I am with H is "defeated" and crushed. She said I need to look him in the eye and be assertive. She said I need to do the same thing with MIL, and then she role played for me some examples of things MIL does to me on a regular basis and how I should handle myself. For example, MIL will lean across the table and take a sip of my drink, and then "oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was mine" and put it back with a smile. She must have done this to me 100x over the years. I usually act like its ok, I know she is doing it on purpose, but what can you say in a situation like that? The therapist said I am colluding with her and "letting her own me." She said to put the cup next to MIL's place setting and say "It's yours now." And look her in the eye. She said to do this in every situation, do not "fight" but use eye contact and a calm assertiveness to not let these things slide. Another example, MIL doesn't call me by my name, she calls me "the mother". As in "The kids and the mother are doing xyz now". The therapist said look her in the eye and say "I have a name." Why is it so hard for me to figure these things out? And also, these incidents happen one after the other, over the course of a weekend I would say there could easily be 20 or more of these types of slights.

She also said if H chooses MIL over me then let him go. I said I still love him and this is not the man I have known for 26 years, he is completely different now. She said sometimes that happens. People change. You have no control over that, he might come back, or maybe this is who he is now. If this is who he is now, you don't want him.

I am on a tangent now. Thank you GB for the time and effort you put into my situation. I really appreciate your perspective and your help. You have given me a lot to think about.

[gonegrl]

Gmum, I started to respond to you with a long list of their complaints about me, and then realized that is exactly the type of post that would get me into trouble if they stumbled across it, because they would go down the list to argue every point. Lets just say when I met H he was 20. He lived with his parents, they supported him. They knew every detail of his life and he was very involved with aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc during holidays and family events. Well, then he met me. And moved, and got a job (actually has always worked 2 jobs) and got 2 masters degrees, and had children, and moved again, and guess what? He went from a 20 year old child, to a busy adult man who no longer had time for every single family event (although went to most of them), no longer had time for long chats with mom every day, no longer did whatever mom and dad told him to, mostly because he was living his life, not out of rebellion. However the blame is on me- I "stole" him and changed him from sweet and family oriented to a distant non-family oriented person. Makes no sense at all. Not at all.
Ironically, his brother also got busy with life, all of his first cousins got busy and made lives for themselves, people do not stay the same as when they are teenagers or 20 year olds- sometimes they get busy with life. Not uninterested in their family of origin, or not even necessarily disconnected, but in the normal course of life you pull away and build your own life. And my IL's do not see this, they see it as I stole their son. They have said as much. I stole their son from his family. He is not the same anymore as when he was 20. They literally say this time and time again. The fact that I gave them their only grandchildren? Not even taken into account.

[Mona52]

It would be the healthiest thing for me to know the truth, and at this point I am feeling this is all taking a toll on me- my jaws hurt all the time, I am fatigued, getting chest pain. Something is still wrong, my body is telling me this.

DB'ing rule # one, focus on yourself! You see your body telling you that you are not doing this enough. You are no good to your children or H if you get sick.
From the sound of some of your posts, you should immediately employ activities that bring you some kind of pleasure. Watch a comedian on TV. One that makes you belly laugh.
Go eat a sundae BEFORE dinner.
Get your hair done

Do not stop, under any circumstances, until you feel better.



I also agree 100% with what you say about the IL's. I have tried to remove myself as much as possible from them, however I have 3 children and this would be a lot easier if my children were grown, or even if they were just a little older. Ironically, SIL, who has been in the family for maybe 6 or 7 years now already does this. She avoids family events and her interactions with the IL's is limited to maybe an hour or two every few months. She does not have their grandchildren though, so its easier to maintain a distance. And the SIL prior to her also did not attend family events. But my kids are still little, and most of the visits are at my house, I can't just leave.

I did the same with lots of my family members. Just leave the room. It is beyond the point of you worrying about their feelings. They can come and see the kids all they want. But you have things to do, in your private bedroom.

This may take a few tries until you got it. But just do it. How different would your life be right now if they disliked the fact that you left the room each time? It may slightly bother you, big deal. How upset is your life now that you must deal with those people? Leave the room, then forgive yourself.




I went to an individual appointment with our family therapist this morning. It was very interesting. She told me that my body language when I am with H is "defeated" and crushed.

This wont do! Never again. Starting now keep that head held high. They all owe you, not the other way around!




She said I need to look him in the eye and be assertive. She said I need to do the same thing with MIL, and then she role played for me some examples of things MIL does to me on a regular basis and how I should handle myself. For example, MIL will lean across the table and take a sip of my drink, and then "oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was mine" and put it back with a smile. She must have done this to me 100x over the years. I usually act like its ok, I know she is doing it on purpose, but what can you say in a situation like that?

"No, I think you knew that was not yours."
Then shut up and wait for her to apologize. SHE OWES YOU, you dont owe her!

The therapist said I am colluding with her and "letting her own me." She said to put the cup next to MIL's place setting and say "It's yours now." And look her in the eye. She said to do this in every situation, do not "fight" but use eye contact and a calm assertiveness to not let these things slide. Another example, MIL doesn't call me by my name, she calls me "the mother". As in "The kids and the mother are doing xyz now". The therapist said look her in the eye and say "I have a name." Why is it so hard for me to figure these things out? And also, these incidents happen one after the other, over the course of a weekend I would say there could easily be 20 or more of these types of slights.

She also said if H chooses MIL over me then let him go.

[gonegrl]

Mona thank you. I was more assertive with H pre-BD. Never with MIL. I just don't know how to handle her, mostly because she lies and if I say "that is your drink now" or whatever she would probably deny that she even touched it and accuse me of lying. This is the type of thing I am up against. She lies about EVERY THING. Anyway, since BD I have been so non-assertive with H because I am terrified that he will leave me. I have been GAL, 180, positive, etc, but the truth is I am scared of losing him. And in therapy it is even harder to "fake it" because of the topics being discussed. She told me to fake it. I try, wine helps! Music helps, if I play "tough" love songs, for example, that helps. But the truth is that I am so heartbroken and I am positive that this reflects in my energy. Trying so hard not to have puppy dog eyes, but then I end up withdrawing. I could never play poker, I could never be an actress, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That said, there have been days or hours where I "acted" and there have been days and hours where it was genuine. So I can do it, I just need to do it more consistently and better. Only 2 more weeks until he is out of the house, I can do it for 2 weeks.

And Mona, I do avoid them now during visits. I go out, take a walk, run out to the store, visit a friend, I am in and out and not sitting still for long. It helps a lot.

[Zues126]

I love Dr. Joy Browne. She always preaches 'cheerful and stupid' with people like MIL, like you don't understand that she's being disrespectful.

PS- You could always play poker online

[Georgia Bulldogs]

he is leaving in January.

I read he was leaving in January but not why or where.

What is WH's reason for this?

Where is he going?

What did you counselor say about this?


Two weeks.... put on your best show. Just fake it. Make the house smell like cookies and home cooking. His last memories before he goes should be peace and tranquility and lots of home smells.

You've got time to retreat and go dark after he leaves. You'll have all the time you need to GAL after he's gone.

You may even be able to get WH on board with this by saying "If you are gonna go anyway we both have to be prepared that this may be our very last Christmas together as a family so I don't want it to be about fighting or arguing. Let's make this the best Christmas we can".

He doesn't deserve that and if he's leaving for "space" then I can just about guarantee he's leaving for his continuing affair (they still work together so it's "continuing" in my book). The worst thing for his mental state would be if the last couple weeks were actually good. Leaving is so much easier when it's a bunch of yelling and crying. Don't let him make you the villain.

After he's gone - then you pull the rug on him, go dark, GAL and try to make a good life for yourself while hoping he misses home and has second thoughts about his chosen behavior.

I'd also make sure to bust him cheating (documented) and tell his kids & parents and then go dark but DB isn't a big fan of any exposure so probably not a good idea.

[gonegrl]

Zues I don't know who Dr. Joy Browne is, I will look her up. I was thinking more along the lines of dealing with her Lizzie Borden style.