Ghost taking baby steps

[ATPeace]

Hi sandi and RD

I do try to read the replies to my posts I do need to read divorce remedy again I just find it so difficult taking in the information my head is spinning as we all know.

Half the problem is I read information in saving the marriage even when only one person wants to save it and they talk about making a new marriage

I read information on different things I can do or try to make her want to change her mind

I think of my wife as different to everyone else (I realise she is not different0 perhaps it is the love that she has give me over the years perhaps it is me not wanting to and she may find happiness with accept that if we go not separate houses that she may never come back to me

Perhaps it is the though of her going off and being arround other men if this,is what she wants to do and knowing she has never had sonone else love her like I do / should have what if she wants to try a few other men

Perhaps it is me feeling desperately sad for not listening to her when she tried to tell me how lonley she was and knowing that if I had done this then we might stil be together now

Perhaps it is just the thought of not seeing her again and having to live my life on my own

Perhaps it is the fact that our children will not have the same life that thy did have and only having one parent at a time to bring them up is going to make things so much harder.

Perhaps it is the fact that even tho she told me she wants to sell the house ..she is still here co parenting together in the house even tho this is not what whe wants she is prepared to do this .

You ask me if I accept our marriage is over and I want to write and ask is there more of a chance of us working things out if we keep living together 6 more months or 1 year can one turn this around with loving actions.

rD I have not accepted that it is over I wonder how she can give up on 17 years I of marriage I not have any idea how,I will get over her then read that people give up on 25 years together and realise that so many people are in the same situation.

If we go into different houses I really do not know how I will cope with not seeing my W ...even if we divorce

Just the thought of her making friends and Posable becoming lovers with another man I feel so unhappy. I do not know if I could then go back to her if she changed her feelings.

How she feels now is different to how she felt six months ago and is very different to how she felt the day we got married and the day she asked to s so I want to believe in hope that things can change

I am going to have to do child drop off for the next 15 years with my two years old and will be in the kids life till the day I die I wonder how I am going to cope with seeing her potentially moving on with another man.

I sence that she is starting to do and say things that is out of character in the hope that I will find the things she says offensive or upsetting and move my feelings further away from her ...and this is somethg I am fighting.

Is she trying to become the person she wants to be or is she becoming a person that she knows I would not want to be arround so much ?

RD please do not think I am saying it is any less painful if someone has had many partners .....what I am trying to say is I have never been through somone finishing things with me ...where as if I had had several partners then by virtue of having other partners I would have experienced loosing something and then finding out that there are other fish in the so called sea.

In 25 years together with my W I have never had other women come on to me or wanted to build a new relationship with another women I ihave no idea how to date

I am crapping myself over trying to start again with a new partner not being with my wife the mother of our four children building a new relationship with someone else only to then feel how can I spend time with a new partner when I should be spending time with my children.

Here is an example my W is taking about me having the kids 50/50 access with her when we divorce...now two things first I was away for just two days and missed my two year old like crazy more so than my W

Dropping the boys off back at home after just two days of being,alone with them i was.away away from my daughter I am not sure how I would cope if I lived in a different use and would not be,seeing them now for four days ....

[ATPeace]

Calibri

Thank you for your post

I am not sure how I would react if my W had died I would be devastated but I would know she was gone and I would never ever see her again and perhaps this would be easier to accept I really do not know.

All I know for sure is loosing my father last year was much easier than loosing my W even tho she is still arround and I see her every day .

As it has been said one of us moving out me not seeing her might make things easier for me to take in that she has gone however I would still see her on child changeover.

This is going to sound really horrible and

bad do I need to go looking for a new partner to take my mind off my W

Right now I don't want someone else
My W says she is not looking for someone else

I will come off my W I really want to focus in me and not her

Thank you

Ghost

[Rouky]

If you want your W, why would want to look for someone else? I joined a dating website. Met someone but after 2nd date realised that I still love my H, that I would be hurting that person and that I am NOT ready to date as I have few issues to sort out.

You'll be only jumping from one relationship to another because of being afraid on your own, but the problems you had in your current relationship would still be there because they haven't been addressed.

[sandi2]

Okay, first of all, do not go looking for a new partner just to get your mind off your W.
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Now, that is out of the way, let's get back to your old sitch. You have told us you are confused by the information you receive. You have told us, repeatedly, how completely shattered you think you'll be if you get divorced. So, my question for you is how can we help? Instead of you going back over all this old stuff that we have already heard......tell us what to do to help you.

I have asked questions, as well as have others, that never are answered. I am not sure if you don't see it, ignore it, or simply don't know how to answer the question. For example, when on your trip with the boys, I asked you why were you avoiding calling home b/c of the probability of your W answering. I was trying to see what was in your brain about this. What did you think you were doing......b/c I believe you saw this action as detaching, or perhaps something else.

You can help us know how to help you if you will discuss the reason behind your actions.....instead of ignoring the questions and talking about your feelings. Can you do work with us on that, so we will better know how you are interpreting the advice you receive.

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[Fogg]

I've read you and Fogg and while I see your point of only being with one person , please believe even if you have been with lots of ladies , the W is the one you really loved and cherished and it's just as tough for the rest of us.

Rd, I didn't mean to say the loss of our spouses hurts more since we only loved 1 person instead of many. The pain from losing the one we love is crippling for all of us. What I'm referring to is fear and only fear. Just like A's generally have nothing to do with love neither does this. We have no experience with other women so we can't detach our lives from our S. To lose them would be to lose ourselves, we know nothing else. It's an enmeshed relationship.

And ghost, I already see your train of thought thinking you have to find a new woman to remove that fear. You already said as much in another post and that's 100% wrong. It's still the fear controlling you.

Stop worrying about being alone in the future, you are now. Right now you are alone. It doesn't matter if your W is in the same house, that's a false sense of security you keep telling yourself.

Live your own life and find pleasure in it or keep being miserable and taking for granted what you do have.

[ATPeace]

Sandi thank you for your time ....I guess I did not want to call my W as over the two days I had got my boys to FaceTime my W a couple of times and I know I need to talk to her less

She did not msg me at all while I was away if she wanted to find something out she sent a msg to our son rather than to me ,,,,,Wp she is already very distant.

So you ask what can you help me with ok here is a question whilst I am in the house with my W I am finding the conversation beyeen us getting harder to find things to talk about do I work on building this up or should I try and distance myself

Fogg you are spot on it is the fear is there a way to address this

[ATPeace]

Hi fogg

Thank you again for posting

Ok so you make a heck of a lot of sence it is the fear my fear of the total unknown not wanting change or risking that change my actually end up being better.

I guess it boils down to my children are from my W and I and I never thought that she would ever split up the family ...I NEVER ever had her down as someone that would walk away so I guess I took her for granted

I wish there was something I could say to my W that would make her realise that I am so sorry and give her the belief once again that I could be the man she hoped I could have been

I guess i feel if during our marriage she had told me in no uncertain terms ...look if things do not change and improve then I will separate and our marriage will be over Rather than complaining to me ...this was how it felt ...I felt she was complaining when she was trying to tell me ....I feel I missed the signs.

I have fear fogg that my house my new house will be empty without her thighs bits mess clutter

I hear you say I am already alone and I am but as you say it just does not feel like it we do quite a bit together but she will not give me another chance

[Vanilla]

The most important thing for AP is to concentrate on AP and his children. To become the best he can be.

That is your role AP to be the best you can today.

Each day is a new day, and it is to be the best AP.

I have always thought fear of abandonment lies at the root of this and two or three threads back you disclosed some facts about your child hood that might be a causative factor. Your childhood issues and their influence on you today are good topics for an IC.

Like Sandi I would love to hear that you have that additional support.

AP I like the fact you stand for your M and really love your children. That is remarkable in itself.

V

[Fogg]

I wish there was something I could say to my W that would make her realize that I am so sorry and give her the belief once again that I could be the man she hoped I could have been

and this continues to be the problem. All you think about it what you can say or do to make her come back.

but she will not give me another chance

Your changes will never be real because they are only meant to get her back. Fear drives you changing to get something and the second your comfortable again and get it the changes will disappear. Just like 3 years ago.

If you want your W to be gone forever then keep wanting her to give you a second chance without doing any work on you.

[ATPeace]

Ok so to summarise and to set myself a goal or towel for the next week or two

Right now things are fairly stable both in the same house getting along her doing her worn thing and me starting to do a few things for me.

Sandi

On a previous post you talked about respect

You Said respect does not require love and that a woman first has to respect her h as a Man before she can desire him as her husband

And you said that respect does not require love

So I understand that I need to be a great father to my children and I have already stepped up in this department considerably and I am doing so much more with my children than I used to do ...I realise this makes me a better parent .I have to also pull my weight with regard to the house chores not because this was something that my wife complained about during our marriage but because it is the right thing to do in an equal relationship amd I will continue to work on these two areas to become a better father

So How do I gain her respect back ?
If everything starts with this

I do see that my W has gone has left our M I just want to start rebuilding things and I am trying to do this by trying to show her my love as her husband I remember reading somewhere that I would have to do things differently I cannot remember exactly what or how

I still think that it is better to be still in the same house ...I see being in separate houses I would not see her hardly at all so i see this as us getting further apart