Good job B. GAL. I love it. You're doing just fine. Take each day as they come. Each hour if you need to. Talk to anyone that makes you feel better because guess what? This is your GAL, not hers. I think you're already starting to realize that although you would love your wife back like it used to be that you are going to be fine if that doesn't happen. Do things that make you happy. You have no one to answer to at this point. She gets no say in your activities. She took herself out of that position. Live my man, live.
And she gave me some pointers on how to approach my OkCupid profile, and she suggested that I try 'MeetUp' and 'Tinder', so guess what? I did.
None of us are the morality police, at least not your morality police, B, but I can see you potentially veering off into dangerous teritory here. OKCupid is a dating site, not a meet up site, and Tinder is a hook-up site. GAL is one thing, dating and hooking up while still married another. I know you do not think there will be any dating or hooking up as of this minute, but you are a hurting vulnerable man, very vulnerable to women coming on to you and fulfilling your emotional needs. Maybe you could consider asking your Divorce Care leader for advice on these two sites? I'm a frigging lot older than you, but in my view, if we date while still married, even if it is just casual, we are no better than our cheating spouses.
Originally Posted By: B
I'm not trying to hook up, or make my wife jealous. I view it as dating, pre-k maybe? I don't know. I have no idea what's going to happen. I know I'm not in any condition for a relationship, and I don't want that. But I think spending time chatting, talking, and possible doing stuff with women will be good for me.
Spending time, talking, and possibly doing stuff with people in general will be good for you. In groups, not one on one with women. Stuff like you mentioned the meet-up group doing, like hiking. Sorry to disagree with TxHubby here, but you are just 11 weeks into this insanity, and are still reeling. We all need to heal and grow before we're ready to start a new relationship, in all fairness to yourself, and the new woman.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I don't think anyone thinks you're a bad guy either B. It's just when someone is hurt and looking for the pain to stop they are liable to hurt someone else also. It doesn't make anyone a bad person, just human like all the rest of us.
Your W is there. She's so damaged and looking for outside validation of who she is, searching for her our happiness from another person that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get there. That includes hurting you. It's just a dangerous slope getting involved with another single woman at this point in time for us. I would be in the same category just after BD, I know it would only be bad for me and thr othet woman.
Everything ele your doing sounds great and I would keep it up. GAL is one of the most important things you can do to get your mind focused away from W and what she's doing. It's also let you find what makes you happy so you can find your own happiness, remember that comes from inside.
Its also useful to read self help books to figure out what you might of done wrong in your R so you can avoid any of the same mistakes in the future. You can't change or fix her but you can improve you and we all have issues we could work on.
Last edited by Fogg; 12/30/1510:43 AM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
We're good now. She says she doesn't even recognize herself during that period. She turned 45 and freaked out. It happens. We endured. The secret for us was that I had to be willing to let go of a 26 year marriage in order to save it. As long as I was the nice guy, the supportive guy, etc. she just wouldn't respond. When I truly started moving on is when she says she woke up and realized what she had with our family and how close she was to losing it for good. Our daughter was only 11 when we found out about her mother's affair. She didn't speak to her mother for over a year. Today their relationship is still very fragile. My daughter lost all respect for her mother. Now she's 14 and wanting to rebel. I lay down the law but whenever her mother tries it turns into a big blowup. Our DD will say who are you to tell me about right and wrong? If my W says I'm your mother then our DD will laugh and say did you think about that when you were laying with him (OM)? Then my wife cries and runs out of the room and I ground our daughter. Repairing their relationship is something that is still very dicey but we're committed to healing and growing. Thank you for asking.
Not much going on today. Feeling pretty depressed actually. But, I haven't contacted my wife. This will be 3 days in a row.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
Whenever you get down then do something to shock your system. Heck, get up and start pumping out push-ups and crunches in a 3-set rotation. It sounds stupid but it'll generate endorphins and make you feel better. Plus, you'll get in great shape. Don't allow yourself to sit and mope.
Well...it's been since Sunday morning since I've had any contact with my W at all. 3 1/2 days. Of course no communication from her. Oh paranoia how I love thee. I am feeling compelled to want to send her a happy New year's message tonight, but maybe I'll just come here at midnight instead. I have a professional licensing exam in about 8 hours, so that's something. I'm kind of excited about it in a weird way. I'm really curious how it will be when the W comes to bring me the kids on the 2nd. Is she going to be really angry? Or is she just going to be her normal fake friendly and detached self? Will she still be wearing her wedding band? Does any of that even matter? I can't control any of it. One freakin' day at a time. Stay in the moment...this moment...right now. Get out of your head. I'm a decent guy. I'll be okay. Please, let me be okay.
Oh...and I think I realised I need to get a bigger place not just so there's more space for me to not get irritated with my kids...but, so that they can have their own place, own rooms, own space here with me when I have them. I need to make sure they have a good secure feeling about me being stable and safe and always remaining their father, no matter what. So, that's something.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
I know that your WW is still in the family home and you're not. I forgot to ask, are you financing her life right now? Financing her extra-marital activities? If so, I'd recommend stopping that. Don't be an enabler. Cake eaters love that.
