The gifts you've been given will lead you to your happy place. You were never invincible, you just had the mindset you were.
Go find that mindset and dominate. You deserve it.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Zues....sweetie....cut yourself some slack. I know that's a foreign phrase to you, it's not in your DNA, but it's something you are going to have to pick up. For 20 years I had a voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough, I didn't look good enough, I wasn't a good enough wife, a good enough housekeeper, a good enough hostess, a good enough mother. My job wasn't good enough, I wasn't social enough. Then the voice moved out and divorced me. The problem is here, Zues, your negative voice is coming from you.
I am finding out that I am smart and funny and attractive and a good friend. I like my job, friends want to have dinner with me, guys want to date me. My kids tell me I'm a great mom. But here's the thing: I was always those things. I just believed the wrong voice. Who are you listening to, Zues? And why?
Hey guys. Just getting back. Interesting weekend. Results weren't good on paper, but I had a good journey. There were some highs and lows. The friend I went to the tournament with won one of the divisions, and there were some large side bets. We split each other's action so I won a large amount betting along side of him. I felt a bit guilty but I won last year so I guess comes around. He played just awesome, including running out the set against the pre-tournament favorite (race to five games, he won the flip for first break, then broke and ran all five racks in a row without his opponent picking up his cue) to win the event in stunning fashion. It was pretty cool to witness. Me, I had my moments, I fought into the cash, but it wasn't meant to be. Very good times though.
Sunny, I thought about that voice. It's the old Indian tale of two wolves. I guess I'm afraid to let go of that voice. Why? If I do, I'm afraid of what will happen if I stop driving. Sometimes I feel like my drive is what is holding everything together. If I stop driving I'm afraid I'll fail in my sales career and won't be able to pay my bills. I'm afraid I'll be some mediocre pool player that drinks beers and falls short and marvels at the real players that can actually get it done. I'm afraid that if I stop driving I'll just stay in bed and never get out again. Maybe I'm deeply depressed and driving is the way I combat completely shutting down. Maybe if I let go I would be happier, and I might find out I'd still have other motivations to manifest my gifts beyond insane intensity. But it's scary because I'm not sure which.
And I HAVE cut back. Shoot, this posting stuff? 2 years ago I never would've posted. It would've been time away from my pool game. That wouldn't have happened. No, I've actually slowed down quite a bit. I think I just fire that up more when I compete because I need fuel to drive me, and that's all I've ever known.
Motivation is a really tricky thing, I could write a book on that by itself. People don't get motivation, they really don't. Sometimes they feel motivated, sometimes they don't, there are external motivators that drive people at times, but those people don't know how to drive themselves when things externally aren't giving them a tail wind. I've seen many talented players (and salespeople) that do amazing things for a year or two, but champions understand that motivation isn't just a component of success, desire is really the name of the game. It is foundational. NOTHING can happen without desire. So learning where that comes from, and how to build it, channel it, and make it work for you...just as important as learning how to play. Otherwise you'll just win when you happen to be feeling hungry. Which after winning everything in sight for a few years is less and less often. That's why they say getting to the top is easy, staying there is hard. There is external motivation to get to the top, whereas it takes more internal motivation to stay there, when the expectations are there, there is no more recognition to be gained for continuing to win, etc, etc.
All by means of saying I'm not sure I have another fuel source in place, and I'm afraid of what would happen if I let go of the voice telling me I have to keep pushing all the time. I've thought about smoking pot just to help me with that. But that voice tells me I need it, and I'm afraid to let it go. I'm sure I don't, I can be ok without it...I've let go more this last 18 months than I ever have. I hear it's echoes, while I am really proud of what I've done, my pool game is off, I'm not in great shape anymore, I should be working instead of posting this, etc. But more and more I am aware of the voice as opposed to being whipped by it.
That's enough rambling for now. Having hard time finding the words.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Piglet sidled up to pooh from behind, "Pooh" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet". "Nothing" said Piglet. Taking Pooh's paw "I just wanted to be sure of you"....
Piglet: "How do you spell love?", Pooh: You don't spell it, you feel it"
Hey JB. I know you need some time to yourself and that it can take an effort to post at times. I appreciate you letting me know we're all still good after my repeated foot in mouth moments. You're always welcome to my honeypot.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm not sure I will feel safe with women for quite a while. Not just because of the whole divorce thing...but I guess I really value the one man/one woman thing to a level that most people don't. I don't want to be one guy in a series of guys to a woman. I'd want to be the one that she let into her life. And visa versa.
I never understood the rule of abstinence until marriage (nor was I, I had a 5 year relationship with a girlfriend that didn't work out) but now I'm starting to really understand the wisdom of it. It's almost like it's cheating on your spouse, because even though you weren't married at the time, you knew you were going to make the commitment someday but wanted to have your fun first. I'm not going to tell people that don't stay abstinent they're devaluing their commitment...but for me I can say that it's important. I don't feel safe or special being just the next guy in line, and after this ordeal those feelings magnified. I'd really be looking for that rare woman that doesn't have any men in her life and has been holding off for the right person. Not the right person she finds by looking through hundreds of guys...but the right person she determines who has the same attitude as her. I don't know if I feel safer because I perceive people like me to have more commitment (whether through the assumption that they're more 'all in' or whether I'm projecting my own commitment level).
But these forums show anything is possible. Jelly didn't date until she was 35 and has only had two partners, so I'm not alone in this. I'm sure somewhere out there there's a match. If not that's ok too. I used to feel like I was missing out by not being in the dating scene, but more and more I realize I'd rather be on my own than have anything less than the commitment level I really desire.
In the meantime it's fun that I can post. I feel safe with this as it's a public forum, but it is affirming to know that good women out there are willing to talk to me. Unless of course you're all a bunch of creepy old men trolling me...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I don't think I let either of the men in my life actually "in". I don't think the absence of physical intimacy determines, true vulnerablity, commitment and intimacy at the level either of us desires.
You're right, and especially since generalizations don't work. For all I know people that don't have a number of relationships may just be really guarded and not good marriage material. I also wonder if it gives us problems with unrealistic expectations. I don't have answers. I just know where I'm at today, which is by myself and unable to picture anything else for the time being. But if there's one thing I've gotten better at it's just enjoying today.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I love your passion and intensity. I feel the same way you do, but I had a lot of "fun" in my teenage years before I met H. I don't necessarily regret it, because its in the past, and I wasn't "in love" with the other men, but if I had to do things over I would have waited for the right guy. (and yes, I believe that is my H even though we are in the middle of this sitch right now.) And I definitely would have wanted him to wait for me.
But as we all know too well, people change. Don't rule people out in the future because of their pasts. We are all on a journey, there could be a woman out there who gets to the same place as you but on a different path. Just as there could be a woman who starts in the same place as you and ends up in a different place.
I love your posts Zues, you are thought provoking and you make me dig deep into my psyche, more than my IC does. Between you and Jelly and V, you can put the therapists out of business. Have a good night.
