Falling forward, not back.

[Elly4]

Hi BT! Thanks for the update. I love how you are trying to have a flexible mind right now about your outcome. Over last summer, I went to this amazing seminar and one of the norms was that we be open to not knowing everything and being in the moment. It is truly hard to do, but we can keep on practicing.

Thanks for being you!

E

[JulieH]

Hi BT13

My intuition tells me that you are going to come out of this on top. You are really the one that has it all...great job, a lot of interests and things you are involved in, and the ability to buy out your husband. You are AWESOME!! And the perfect example of being the spouse only a fool would leave. (No doubt your spouse is looking foolish)

Please keep posting. And best wishes for the new year.

[V2pt0]

Zeus, Elly and Julie, thanks for such positive posts.

Z, thanks for continuing to follow me even though I know I was frustrating you with my early DB efforts.

E, I have to say that your saying, "thanks for being you", really struck a chord and brought me to tears. As positive as I often seem on here, I still have moments where I am really down on myself. I know I have had to stop stinking thoughts like maybe I am this horrible person my H described. That something is wrong with my personality. That I am not enough if a person. It just made me feel really good to read those words and gave me a bit of reaffirmation of who I am. Thank you!!

Julie, my intuition tells me I am (actually ALL of us) going to be ok as well. I wish that my H would sto long enough to see it, but if not, it is his loss. I am by no way perfect and I know I have made lots of mistakes throughout this whole process, but I am just trying to learn from each of them and keep moving forward to a new and improved BT.
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[Zephyr]

Z, thanks for continuing to follow me even though I know I was frustrating you with my early DB efforts.

Nonsense, i get frustrated when my kids do their homework and dont turn it in, o when my teams blow a lead late. Not so much when i see someone learning and finding their way at their own pace. i am glad you are finding your groove!!!

[Elly4]

BT, I think we all have that problem. It's hard to see the good through the process. Just the other day someone made me tear up when they said I was strong. The outside doesn't always reflect the inside, especially when we are acting as if.

I'm glad my reminder of who BT really is helped reaffirm your value.

*hugs*

E

[Sotto]

Hi BT - I haven't been keeping up with your thread lately - but I'm so pleased to see your recent update - you sound really good! I read updates like that and think - yep, she's gonna be just fine. I know it isn't easy (I'm at a similar stage in the D process to you) but I've come a long way too...

Good for you and take care xx

[Painter]

Hi BT, it sounds like your are coping really well!

What do you think about H not moving forward with the D now? Do you feel it's necessary for you to push ahead? What is his living situation now?

[V2pt0]

Painter, I have no idea. I am afraid to start getting my hope up that maybe he is having second thoughts, but it has crossed my mind. I then make myself stop that thinking. I sent him a pleasant but business like email right before Xmas about approving an appraiser I found and he ignored it. I started working on the appraisal because his L emailed mine the same day about the status of the settlement proposal they submitted. She could have taken that initiative on her own without prompting from my H. I have no idea. My L also thought that I/we should get on appraisal asap. I made the decision to try and communicate direct for a change up. I sent a follow up TM about a week later and he said he needed to talk to his L about anything dealing with house and would get back to me soon. I still have not heard. I am thinking about arranging appraisal and sending him details.

Also, for my trip in March, I am concerned about kenneling our dog for almost two weeks. That just seems like a long time and I feel bad for the dog. Our dog has some aggression issues with strangers which makes trips a bit if a worry. I can't just have someone stay with him. Considering he is still both of our's and in many ways was more attached to H, I sent TM to see if he would be willing to stay at the house with him. He ignored that email as well.

I have no idea where or with whom he is living. I have not asked and he has not shared. He literally does not communicate with me in that regard. I have not seen him since our last discernment session on October 8 and I have only received a few TMs since then. One about wanting to watch dog over Thanksgiving and finish the bathroom himself. I pleasantly agreed to both and then the one on Thanksgiving about hiring someone to finish the bathroom. I said no to that one, which I am sure he was not happy with, but he never responded. There was no communication on Christmas or NY, but I was not expecting it.

I am just trying to keep moving forward as the last I heard was D was what he wanted. It is just odd. Before BD we were never really angry a lot at each other. We might have an argument, but we would eventually both get over it and we never stopped talking to each other. So the last 8 months of very little communicating, anger, and silent treatment is all still hard to comprehend. He was really holding in a lot.

Thoughts?

[Painter]

Yes, that is odd. Especially about your dog, it's not a matter you'd expect he would want to leave to the Ls.

I have no idea what could be going on with the lack of replies, I'm a communicator so not my style to go dark!

I would probably send an e-mail to ask about the dog again - because that is a real concern. Maybe a solution could be to establish a relationship with a housesitter now to get to know the dog, someone who can stay at your house when you're gone?

[V2pt0]

Yes, I thought about the house sitter route. A few days ago, I actually signed up for an Angie's list type thing to get connected to someon.

He just responded to the dog text which he read on Monday (He turned his read notification back on. I know this is mind reading, but part of me thinks he did that on purpose to show that he is delaying in responding to me. He had turned it off after BD and it has been back on and off since Thanksgiving. Just odd). Said he has to wait and look at is schedule closer to trip to see if he can accommodate as HE has some potential work trips. Glad to see he has worked his way out of his selfish stage (yes, that is sarcasm). I know if he wanted to he could plan his work trips around this. again, this is the same person that could not stand being away from this dog and would be very concerned about kenneling him for two weeks.

Should I contact him again about the appraisal? Thinking about just scheduling it and tellIng him if my appraiser does not work for him that he can pay for his own.

Also, your signature quote just reminded me of something H said multiple times after BD. He said I was not committed to him, but to our marriage vows. That cared more about the idea of him rather than actually him. Your quote was the first thing I thought of when he said it. Yes, the way you are acting right now, I am more committed to our vows. Otherwise, I would just totally give up. Most of our M, I was committed to him specifically. I mean I think I understand what he was getting at, but then part of me is just dumbfounded.

Any thoughts on his remarks?