Sandi2's 37 Rules

[CWOL]

Hi Sandi,
I don't understand your Rule #10. Why is snooping bad, especially when I'm at the beginning of divorce proceedings filed by my wife? She was gaslighting me, pretending to go along with reconciliation but I felt something was wrong. I spied and it gave me several weeks to:
1. Uncover her secret plans to file, thus I was able prepare and structure finances before she could move any money
2. Interview prospective attorneys and pick one without pressure of having to respond to a filing
3. Learn of her legal strategy and what she planned to go after
4. Throw a wrench into her plans and thus delayed things by several weeks

Of course, there was a high emotional cost to it. It really made me see my WW in a negative light. Her hurtful comments to others about me really hurt, but hardened my heart and enabled me to prepare rationally. I learned she was still contacting OM despite telling everyone she cut him off. Mentally it was extremely stressful. But legally and financially I believe it helped me a lot.

Let me know your thoughts, thanks.

[sandi2]

I believe MWD refers to gathering intel (may not her exact words). What I feel becomes unhealthy is how it seems almost addictive to the LBS. I have seen some that was haunted by the information they gathered, and yet, they would continue going back to read through emails and text messages. They got more caught up in snooping than in working on themselves. The information they received through snooping affects some people after the M is reconciled, just as some LBS's cannot deal with knowing every little detail of the AP's having sex. (However, MWD says they should have all their questions about the affair answered). The LBS is stuck with those images branded in the mind. Each person has to decide what is healthy or unhealthy for themselves. I just know there have been so many who have said they wished they had never known.

These "rules" are just a guideline to give newcomers a place to start DBing. I will just say that each person has to follow their own conscious and do what they feel is right about #10.

[Cadet]

They got more caught up in snooping than in working on themselves.

I think I would add that if you can snoop in a very detached manner that no matter what you find out it does not effect you then go right ahead.

As in my first post - DETACH - is the #1 thing to DO.

Then after learning the above skill - Work on Self.
AGREE.

[sandi2]

It always take fewer words for a man to say it.

Thanks Cadet.




Edit - Yeah I am a man of few words - Thanks Sandi2 - Cadet

[CWOL]

I believe MWD refers to gathering intel (may not her exact words). What I feel becomes unhealthy is how it seems almost addictive to the LBS. I have seen some that was haunted by the information they gathered, and yet, they would continue going back to read through emails and text messages. They got more caught up in snooping than in working on themselves. The information they received through snooping affects some people after the M is reconciled, just as some LBS's cannot deal with knowing every little detail of the AP's having sex. (However, MWD says they should have all their questions about the affair answered). The LBS is stuck with those images branded in the mind. Each person has to decide what is healthy or unhealthy for themselves. I just know there have been so many who have said they wished they had never known.

These "rules" are just a guideline to give newcomers a place to start DBing. I will just say that each person has to follow their own conscious and do what they feel is right about #10.

I see. Fortunately I found none of those types of images, just some fairly innocuous headshots of WW and OM.

It was more the intent and words that really hurt me. But if I didn't look at my WW's phone or emails (which I didn't for 17 years, even though I was the fool that set up her phones!), I probably would not know to this day what happened. I would have had to buy the whole "we've grown apart" speech she gave me.

When I hear WW's conversations now it does hurt me badly, especially when she is plotting against me and refers to me in a negative manner. However, I feel I am justified doing this as in the long run it will help my son and me legally and financially.

The information I gathered in the first episode of WW's EA did affect me after we reconciled. However, I made myself complacent that I blocked out the negative feelings I had then and taught myself to believe in her completely. I trusted her completely, after we had S11 and believed her words that "nothing will tear us apart."

[PatientMan]

Sandi is still here. Amen.

yes, and she has a wonderful new thread named Sandi's Reflections, about why walk away wives walk away. Good stuff.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323#Post2653323

Read the quote at the bottom of my signature

Thank you for the link, ma'am. There are so many helpful people on this site.

-PM

[ReNewed]

Any other rules of tips with was initiates NO contact unless about practical stuff, eg meeting with a mediator to discuss splitting assets? H Won't even tell me what are of town (arrived 3 mo ago no idea he was planing to leave and stay here, we're supposed to leave a month ago together).
I did NOT contact him at all on his birthday this week. It killed me but it was the only thing I coudl think to do. He goes up to three weeks wo contact and never returned my intial email letters or infrequent friendly texts.
We met with a priest three weeks ago and it was basically him rewriting history saying hurtful things like sorry I wasted last six years of your life, we never really dated (lie), cold hard walled off Compeltely. Had me served S papers in church parking lot afterwards.

So I thoguht I should jsut go dark. Thoughts??

[StepUp]

I see that my posts are very scattered, so I do apologize for that. I assumed my situation was so bad that doing a 180 or going dark would be the solution.

@Cadet I don't see where me giving the letter is not a sign of me doing a 180. I really want to make this marriage work, but I do not see how unless I go to drastic measures.

[ahmeds]

I started reading DR a few weeks back. I read these rules at that time, and I just read over them again. Right now, my H has filed the divorce paperwork, and has absolutely no interest in ever recovering the marriage. I've tried implementing the rules, but I feel like a lot of them are easier said than done, and some of them even feel seemingly impossible.
Right now my focus is on ME. I've spent the last year and a half trying to save my marriage, but he continued with the A. I think I made a mistake by moving out, but he made me feel very bad about staying, and we fought in intense manners, this was before I started DB'ing.
I have very major ups and downs, but this up I am on right now is what I am trying to stick with. I just know I will fall back down hard soon, but will try my best to prevent it.
Everything within me tells me this is a HUGE mistake, so I'm trying to follow these rules, but because we don't live together, and don't really speak, I don't know how to apply most of them, and I don't know if he'd even notice. When do I just give up? I've read so much material, and a lot of the things I've read say that the way my H is acting, he will come back when he wakes back up and faces reality, slowly that hope within me is disappearing. Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to better implement these rules in my situation, I would appreciate it!

[sandi2]

Hi Asmeds, thanks for your comments. Yes, the rules are certainly easier said than done. And, I agree they may be more geared for the couple who are under the same roof. However, many S continue to use them after separation and even the initial divorce. They use them as a general base guide in how to interact during pick up and drop off with their kids.

These are pretty much bullet points, without the explanations. If you will tell me which ones you feel you are not able to implement in your situation, I would be glad to expound a little more.