DB vs DR

[rich4j]

I bought the Divorce Remedy book

Are the concepts the same as Divorce Busting ?

[sandi2]

Yes, the DR is the updated book.

[CWOL]

I wish the books were available electronically. Still waiting for snail mail to deliver...

[Cadet]

Did you read the first chapter, online?

[CWOL]

Did you read the first chapter, online?

Yes, read it last week. Not enough information to create an action plan or to unders the rationale behind DB concepts though.

[AndrewP]

I'm just about finished with the Divorce Busting book. It took until chapter 6 for me to hit stuff that applied to me. The earlier chapters discussed the theory behind the philosophy and then conflict resolution. I carefully read everything because I wanted to be sure I got all the help/resources I could. It's interesting because I've been on these forums for a while now and reading the same message in the book had a somewhat stronger impact than the forums but perhaps also reinforced the message from the forums.

W and I "never" argued or had conflict over the last 20 years of our M which is why the conflict resolution tools didn't resonate with me. Unbelievable perhaps but we've always been open to each other doing their own thing. Even in my most codependent I would enable/encourage W and she would always support anything I would want to do even if she wasn't originally keen on it such as when I started wearing bow ties. In the early years we had occasional blow-ups but always treated each other with respect. In our parenting we always presented a united front to the children and even when our finances went for a crap when she was running them, there was no blaming or shaming, just working together to fix things. It's a shame that she gave up on our M without trying the same way she did on other things.

Is it worth also going through the Divorce Recovery book? I understand it's an updated version but is there a lot of new stuff to explore there as well?

I think I've turned a corner personally. I feel more "myself" than I have in a long time. Unfortunately that "self" is also scared and confused. The GAL journey has gone on for almost a month now and I think is going well but I know I have a long way to go. I also think that W has at least started to look around the corner and started to see me again with new eyes. I want to be sure that when/if she's ready to turn towards me that I'm ready to stand on my own two feet in proud possession of my own balls at that point.

One thing that has also been commented on is to keep the book "secret". The book itself mentions that it can be used alone or with your spouse. I've kept the DB book in my nightstand under my e-book reader and I don't "believe" that W has gone poking but it's not impossible that she's seen it. She's even more resistant to "self help" books than I am and I'm thinking that as long as I don't shove it at her that it might do good for her to know that I'm doing what I can to heal our marriage - which is what the cover of the book says even if the insides are more about healing yourself. It would make it easier to find time to read it as well.

This is perhaps a bit OT - but I know that MWD and the team do provide coaching services. Other than the cost (which when converted to $CDN would be substantial) there is the issue of keeping this quiet. We still have joint finances with everything open and always tell each other about each and every charge we do especially on our credit card. Are there alternative payment methods? Does MWD perhaps take a spare cat as payment? Like most families, money is tight and W is already annoyed that I've spent almost $200 already on counseling and my insurance coverage only covers Canadian licensed psychologists (my first IC was a psychotherapist - not covered). Also - I know everyone's sitch is different but would one or two phone sessions be effective in pointing me in the right directions and perhaps opening up paths that I don't know about?

Thanks.

[Drew]

In my opinion:

DB explains the philosophy of MWD.

DR goes into the strategies and tactics to use DB.

[Drew]

So yes, it's worth going through DR.

[Sotto]

The lack of arguments/conflict is something to explore further I think. Mine was a low conflict M to a 'nice guy.' I always thought he was easy going, but actually he struggled to voice his needs and resentment built. I'm also pretty conflict avoidant, so all in all not a great mix.

Since being on this site I've read that not being in conflict actually isn't good (as I thought it was..)

Hope this provides some food for thought anyway

[AndrewP]

The lack of arguments/conflict is something to explore further I think. Mine was a low conflict M to a 'nice guy.' I always thought he was easy going, but actually he struggled to voice his needs and resentment built. I'm also pretty conflict avoidant, so all in all not a great mix.

Since being on this site I've read that not being in conflict actually isn't good (as I thought it was..)

Hope this provides some food for thought anyway

Thanks Sotto. I'll give that some more serious thought. I think that a lot of how we avoided conflict is that (until that last couple of years) we've been comfortable in our own separate identities and had well defined roles and expectations. All the men in my family tend to be quite easy-going except around matters of honour and respect and just appreciate whatever good happens in their lives and don't tend to worry about the bad. We are pretty low maintenance and don't have a lot of needs we can't take care of ourselves through our various hobbies or by just going off to do what we feel needs to be done ourselves.

In the last couple of years conflict was avoided by me becoming codependent trying to "help" a W who I felt was depressed and I would bend to whatever whim she might have in an effort to make her happy. That is part of my GAL plan to stop and I think I've made good progress on that. Through this journey I've struggled with the respect issue. Despite what some people may think about my WW and her affair she "has" treated me with respect and courtesy through this as I have her.

Sorry for the thread hi-jack away from the books but I appreciated Sotto's question.