Update, he got really upset at me today and said I have been inconsiderate and not clear about where I have been going and not taking into consideration his time and his plans. He was angry at me and said it has been inconvenient for him as I'm vague about when I will be home etc. I stayed calm and told him I wasn't aware that he was feeling this way and that I would be more mindful in the future of this. I walked away and he came back in the room I was in and apologized and said he overreacted and that he's still angry and probably needs counselling for himself. I listened and said that it sounds like a good idea and then he hugged me anaaaaannnd.... kissed me on the lips! I smiled and said goodbye to my kids as I have a coffee date with a girlfriend. And left. He followed me to the door and said bye....is this progress???
I would try to keep posting here in newcomers rather than the going dark thread as you will get more responses
I think you did well with detaching and yes it sounds like you are making some small progress. Try to lower your expectations on him just snapping out of this, this is a marathon not a sprint.
I am not finding much support on this forum. Is there anything I can do to get my posts seen more? I do appreciate the valuable advise I've been reading on here though through other's posts
Welcome. Sorry you're hear, but hoping you find as much here as I have to help you through.
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Am I expecting results too quickly?
Cadet has answered this one. There is a saying- prepare for the worst and hope for the best. This is triple true here. As long as you're unable to accept one outcome (divorce) you will be a disaster because it is making your well being conditional upon something you can't control. This is where people start being a nervous wreck, controlling, and emotionally all over the map. This brings out the worst in people.
Instead the goal really has to be to detach, let go of expectations, and learn to find a way to make your life positive with or without your H.
This sounded impossible to me in the beginning. Marriage, having a partner that would stay through thick and thin, commitment unbreakable by the stress of the world...this was what I wanted more than anything in the world. I couldn't picture accepting life without it, and indeed struggled because I felt being ok with a divorce was somehow supporting the decision to get divorced.
One thing I realized and clung to daily that helped me was this realization: I realized that if I couldn't be happy with my life without my spouse...if I looked at the sky and said "God, you've given me a wonderful family, my health, a good job, many talents and gifts to share with the world, good friends, and the miracle of life...but without the marriage I feel I need I think the world is horrible and it all stinks!"...if I was truly that unappreciative and entitled and ungrateful...then God giving me the marriage I wanted wouldn't change anything anyway.
The key that has really helped me through the most was fighting the negative feelings with appreciation for what you have. There is no silver bullet, but if there was, it would be this.
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I am not finding much support on this forum. Is there anything I can do to get my posts seen more? I do appreciate the valuable advise I've been reading on here though through other's posts
You'll get a following shortly. It helps to post on other people's threads, they will often look yours up and some will start following along.
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Did I jump the gun on the going dark method? Should I be a friend back to him?
I think going dim is a very good idea in the beginning. Here's why: For the first 30 days, virtually everything you do will be wrong. I am joking, kind of, but not entirely. The problem is until you reach a point of detachment from the outcome through appreciation of your life as it is, you will be an emotional wreck. Your emotions will be bouncing around for the first 90 days like the needle on a scale you just jumped on. So while going 'dim' has some merit to it for many other reasons, the main thing is it keeps you from making the situation worse. When you're in a hole, quit digging!
My best advice for newcomers is to avoid making big decisions. Slow down. DO NOT believe your feelings, they are changing and out of control right now. DO NOT believe your thoughts, they are rationalizations to justify your out of control feelings. DO NOT believe family or friends, they are biased and short sighted and not many people will give you advice that aligns with your core beliefs. So if nothing else, slow, slow, slow down, and don't do anything. Damage control. When things feel horrible the urge to do something, anything, to change the situation feels overpowering. But you must resist that.
Ancaire used a Bambi example, of the hunters in the woods, and the birds hiding from the guns. One bird couldn't bear to sit still and wanted to fly away. The other birds kept warning it. Finally it could take no more, gave into the flight instinct, took off into the sky, and was shot. This is so true. Read AUBob's last thread in it's entirety for an example of what happens when you don't follow this rule.
So yes, go dim, and do NOTHING. This isn't a long term strategy, and doesn't mean your sitch won't change, and you'll feel bad forever. This is just your flight instinct. Resist it and be still.
Also, a DB coach is a super, super good idea. The first thing I did after BD was get a counselor, DB coach, and lawyer. I did NOTHING without consulting all three, pretty much. No matter what spew I got, or how things worked out, I could sleep knowing I was acting consistently with the advice of professionals that had seen my sitch play out THOUSANDS of times, literally. I don't think you'll ever look back and regret spending the little bit it costs.
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I make double his income and I'm wondering if I should set some boundaries. His truck is insured under my name as his insurance would be 3 times the am if it were under his name. He is asking me to continue insuring the vehicle. I don't want to feel used at the same time I don't want to be vindictive and push him away... thoughts?
See above. Do nothing. Now's not the time. There is some validity to your question, but you can't trust your motivation right now. You will be contending with controlling behavior, punishing behavior, righteous indignation, etc. See my post to Inpain on parenting schedule. Don't do it. Breath. Post. Validate your own feelings. Vent on the forums. Did I mention do nothing?
Keep posting...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My husband is set on separating and eventually divorcing. He is however still living at home and is being a friend to me. He helps around the home and with our kids. I am struggling on how I could proceed with divorce busting strategies and how to interpret his response to strategies I use as he is being pleasent with me. He has told me he sees us divorced but says he is not a psychic and anything is possible. I constantly check in with him which backfires everytime as he shuts down. He is happy with our current arrangement. He is in and out of the house as he pleases, doesn't have to answer to anybody about his whereabouts and is enjoying life as a family at home. He still sleeps in the same bed as me most nights and says he is not interested in dating anyone else. We don't go out together or with the kids in public. He even still calls me honey or babe sometimes and even tried to be intimate last night. What do I do? How do I implement DB strategies? Do I set boundaries or is now not the time? I feel very hopeful however when I think things are going well and I initiate a convo about our sitch my husband tells me he hasn't changed his mind about the separation. Our kids are oblivious to what is going on. I am desperate to keep our family together. Please help
Please stick w/one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. The reason for this is to allow posters to follow your story and when you post more than one thread at a time, it becomes confusing for posters as to which one to post to. Also, by doing one thread at a time, it will help you to keep track of your progress better.
Cadet may come along and merge both of your threads into one.
YUP - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 01/21/1601:46 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No need to apologize. You are very new to the forum and probably wasn't aware of the thread count, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I finished Michells book and I feel so inspired. My one question now is to figure out if I am at the last resort technique or if I should implement the other techniques first. We are separated living in same home he's sleeping in our bed we have recently become physically intimate again..yesterday he even joined my daughter and I for lunch. Up until then we didn't go out together... I am hopeful
Why not treat him as you would a roommate? Answer questions if he should ask and go about your business as you have been. I do hope that you are using protection because there is no telling if he's been w/someone else. Even though many will swear that they haven't, we find out later that they had been intimate outside the marital relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
