Husband has never been jealous type. Not at all. He just does not think like that. He actually rationalizes this sort of stuff in very healthy way. I really do not think trio would make him jealous. He might be upset about money though. " she files for cs because she has no money and now she is travelling" just like I was mad. "He won't pay for cs but he went on vacation for over week? "
In past, once kids were born I never spent money on trips for myself or makeup or clothing or hair salon because I was saving for kids. Now I am being selfish with my expenses. I do feel horrible for it, but it has helped me get through this. I am going to ask advice in future regarding work and hope I can ask on someone else's thread.
I also feel very guilty about going anywhere without kids. What if there is a plane accident? They will have no mom because I had to have a weekend away. I was always reluctant to do things for myself because of similar fears. Some sort of anxiety I guess.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, feel free to ask on my thread if that helps you.
I wish I could go on a trip! It sounds great. The guilt is normal, but really, you could get hit by a car in front of your house if you think of it that way, life is risky. Go and enjoy your trip, your boys will be fine, and you will come back with extra energy and a smile on your face that will go a long way towards being a good mom.
I've been in a weird mood. Husband seems responsive to me calling and texting, but I just don't have skills or mindset to really handle our differences in perceptives. I get really mad when he complains about my parents not doing enough. My mom and best friend tell me I will never win with him. The only way for it to work will require me to just sit there and nod my head and apologize for everything. He thinks so differently from me. I have to learn a way to effectively validate, communicate, but without being a door mat.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Hi Julie, when I figure out how to effectively validate without being a doormat, I will let you know. For now I am do not have any real connection with H, ( he is avoiding it with me, but I am not pursuing) our texts and talks are very short and logistical. It is hard feeling so distant from someone you love.
I feel like the more I GAL and PMA, the wider the gap. It is hard.
Take me on vacation with you? LOL. Have a good night Julie.
What I am about to say is likely way off base and potentially not Dbing at all. And I would never want to steer you wrong. There are far more trustworthy posters than me. You know me, and my little addicty ways!!!
With that said, I do wonder if now is not the time to experiment a little with different approaches of how to connect and engage H.
I find that out fear of doing the wrong thing, it stops us from being fully engaged in the moment and so we tend to tense up and I think we send out a feeling that we are scared of what is about to happen.
Part of dating and becoming attracted to someone is anticipating the positive experience, anticipating, fun and excitement.
I bet that if you bumped into some gorgeous man in a cafe and he asked you to sit down and talk, you would find a million things to talk about and discover. The difference with meeting H, is that everything feels so tense and every topic feels like a potential minefield. We don't feel like that when we are dating everything is a possible gem about this person.
Another thing is we forget that we get turned on by ourselves when we are enamoured by someone. We think differently about how dress, how do our hair, we feel generally differently about ourselves more positive, more assertive, more engaged with who we are, we find ourselves more interesting. We want to show off our best selves to the men we want to attract and that makes us feel sexy and excited.
This is the feeling you need to have about yourself and meeting with H. Friendship sure I get it, great starting place. But what about wanting to get him to also slowly undress you his eyes and you him.
As far as I can see Julie, you have nothing to lose taking a few risks. The way you write about your sitch, presents with a level of enevitability, that things are doomed anyway, that basically your never will "win".
Well my sweet gorgeous sexy, amazing fabulous woman, throw caution to the wind and experiment with being amazing and flirty and fun. If that is the case, then f**k it!! Be yourself. Stop being so careful. Bet it all on black - black lingerie is super hot - I have a draw full - we need to get you some!
Julie, lets bring sexy back!!! Lets work on you building attraction and connection with this man of yours. Your man is sending out some cues of wanting to connect in some way. Maybe its back to basics.
Just a crazy suggestion, I could be completely wrong.
Hi Julie, wrt to validation without being a doormat, I can empathise with you. I am either way out aggressive or lie-on-the-floor-door mattish passive. It's hard for me to find a nice balance.
But I realise that when it comes to the issues in my M, I have reached the point when I can tell the X that 'I can see why you feel that way' because I really do, even when I don't agree with him. If I don't agree with him, I don't say that I agree with him.
What MWD says about validation is that it is the acknowledgement that other perceptions of reality exist. And each perception is valid to the person that holds it, whether or not they are justified. This is perhaps what having a beginner's mind is all about?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Yes. It is hard to be distant with someone you love. Especially when I want so much more and he has rejected me. I hope I am making right move by doing some initiating. If roads are not too bad on Sunday im gonna ask him to meet up somewhere so we can spend afternoon with kids together. I think I just have to keep away from reconciliation talk. He needs to initiate that.
I am looking fwd to wild bachelorette weekend down south. Come along, I think you would be a lot of fun to party with! I am going with some very wild people so it will be interesting. Im really not much of a drinker. I've been out drinking twice last year and that's only because husband walked out on me! Only Good thing is I am literally buzzed with 1.5 drinks and then I stop there, so my evenings are inexpensive. But when I was younger I used to love to go out for the dancing and excuse to get dressed up.
To be honest though, I would love to just be going on an active trip anywhere with my family.
I love traveling. We should Organize DB weekend somewhere! How surreal that would be.
Good night!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I think you might be right. To be honest, I think that's what kept husband around for a long time despite our fighting..,he was attracted to me. Moving in with my family made him lose that totally. I can tell because I lost my "power" (I know it's a horrible word to use but I don't know how else to describe it).
The problem is, I don't have those feelings for him anymore. I am angered and betrayed and it comes out. It is hard for me to be flirty now because it is not authentic. I don't know if he is still attracted to me for same reasons. He might be though.
Arguing my point is not attractive or flirty..it's petty and makes me unappealing. Just like him doing it to me is. I have to first remember that at a time when I am emotionally charged.
But what else?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
jellyb.. I bought 3 inch heeled black boots. What would he say if I wore it with a knit mini skirt or fitted black dress when and if he asks me on that date? Is that too much? I could just smile confidently like in a shakira video. Lol. Or would it make me look sad and desperate. That should probably be a 3rd date.
First things first, he has to actually ask me on that date,
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Grlonfr...you described exactly what I do. I am either too agressive or a door mat.
Saying "I see why you feel that way" would have been the exact thing to say today. I need that tattooed on my forearm.
Or I could have just agreed with him, made a joke about how of all days they had to lend there car away and then just threw in something like, "well they do so much I have a lot to appreciate them for". That would have worked! I just get so heated because I am mad at him for leaving me.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
