Julie, Jellyb has great ideas. Make the routine pre-swap as fun and comfortable as possible. How do you feel pre-swap? Your S might be picking up on these vibes from you. If so, you need to act as if.
I always feel like strangling the X whenever I see him, but I always fake it in front of kid. I put my RBF away for a while. Kid is not the enemy. Your S is not the enemy. Like what jellyb said, put aside the LBS persona and put on the living mum persona.
These difficult exchanges won't convince your H that divorce is terrible. Because your S actually has a great time with him. The convincing will have to come at a time when your H can be convinced.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
my son does like to be in control and seems to have a lot of anxieties ( he is also extremely bright and funny and sweet and cuddly) I used to always tell him what his christmas and birthday presents were or else the surprise would be too overwhelming for him. We no longer have counselor for him because he is no longer approved for special services. Which is a good thing because it was not felt that he needed it. But I think I need to find a family therapist like Fo suggested even if it's just for me and son.
I do have to prepare him for everything. And I try to give him forewarning regarding going to dads. I talk about it positively and tell him they will play together and grandma will make cookies and daddy wants to see him. He is very resistant and then would just keep saying " I'm not going"
I am going to try asking him "what are some ways and things we can do to make going to dads easier?" That might work better because he will feel like he has a bit of control that way. Thank you for that suggestion. I think it might work.
Neither of us wanted to carry him out of house when he was in distress. Husband expected me to and I think when he does call, is going to be upset with me because he feels like by me not doing it I am making him look like bad guy.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
This is tough. You're right about not wanting to carry a bawling kid into the car.
Don't let H being upset upset you. Like you said, he has to own his part in this whole affair. You shouldn't fix this for him, though you do have to fix this for kid.
See weekday he has to say about this?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
He might be picking up on my emotions. Today definatly. But there were also many times when I was pretty ok with it or my parents were doing the hand off and he was having hard time. We thought he would get used to it and it just got worse.
I never bought books about divorce because At first husband never said he wanted divorce just space with goal of reconciliation...then it was up and down. 6 months later and still nothing definitive. Limbo is unfair to me and to kids because what do I even say to them? I will definatly have to find a family therapist.
Writing and figuring out how this will affect the kids is the hardest thing for me. I am at loss. I am constantly doubting my ability as a mom
They have a program at his school for families that are divorced or separated but counselor said until it's definitive and we talked to him about it it's not appropriate for him. She cannot be the one to tell him what's going on and I have no idea what is going on.
Limbo is just not good.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Ok. Husband and I talked calmly about how to make transition easier for S. I let him lead, and stayed away from the blame game.
Then I did everything your not supposed to do and said how awful it is for me to give up kids every other weekend. He said for him too. He said its a product of us and its not fair to blame. This led to other stuff and I thought it would get negative. But it didn't. He had been doing a lot of reflecting and talked About himself and our past and why it didn't go well. We joked a bit too.
I talked about how hurt I was when he left. He said he knew and could understand that. He talked about how stressed he had been and how he needed to get himself healthy. We talked about how things were bad before we moved. I talked about how I was unhappy in past because I couldn't appreciate what I had. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I told him I loved him. So basically all the stuff your not supposed to do. It was my old pursuing self but it went well.
I think now from here, it sets stage for me to be flirty. It will be easy to now because there is an opening. This is how I was when we first met. Because he is not completely blaming me and taking ownership I don't feel as resentful right now. I am trying to do same. But can't push too much either.
Thanks guys.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
If husband and I are to reconcile, I am going to have to work on accepting husband for what I see are his flaws. I am going to have to forgive him for leaving me with my parents. I am going to have to stop wanting what I don't have and start appreciating what is in front of me... A healthy family. I am going to have to stop blaming things on him and play an active and effective role to make things better but without criticizing.
I am going to have to trust him with money... This would mean, doing what's best for family despite the advise of lawyer and my mother and take on some extra work while kids are in school. It would also mean pooling our savings so that we can budget and become a team instead of 2 separate unities...the way we functioned in past.
Husband was not with other woman. He was in crises. Things were not good between us and I played a big role. When he was living here the stress was contributing to trips to ER for him. He was having trouble handling everything. I'm sure he was humiliated because we were living here. I did not make things easier. He was afraid for his health (and has good reason to) he is not my enemy, he is my husband.
Yes, I did not have things easy either and he said hurtful things to me but I will not focus on that... The things he said to me never attacked me personally nor were they about my character. Even at his angriest, He never said "you are selfish" he said "you did nothing for me". He never said you are not attractive he said "you never bothered to dress up for me" he never said "ILYBNILWY". I need to remember this.
My mother is so angry, she would not even respond to him when husband came in to pick up kids yesterday. Luckily my dad was there to respond with hellos and small talk. I am so greatful for my dads maturity level. I am sure my mother sees Attempts at reconciliation and she has been commenting more and more about him. Reminding me of his selfishness every chance she can. Today when I remarked how bad I felt about my son and that I was told he screamed the whole trip her remark was "husband made his bed, let him lie in it". I am just ignoring the comments. I see my own thoughts in her words and I know where they come from.
Has anyone seen the movie "white oleander"? My mother has a similar character to the mom that michelle pheiffer plays (but without criminal activity and without ever leaving us) she also frequently reminds me of miss havisham. I don't know how my dad deals with her. I know she saw me suffering though and saw husband at his worst so of course she wants to protect me by villifying him.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
